Relationship anxiety

[EarthAngle]

1. Not sure where to start, I’m usually the one giving advice and comfort. I am an empath, I feel incredibly deeply and usually know how to deal. Though I’ve been experiencing rather painful emotions brought on by my own emotional pain which is caused by anxieties and insecurities. Not so much physical insecurities but more so deeper insecurities such as (not feeling worthy, not good enough, a thorn in my partners side) all that jazz. Let’s say some relationship anxiety. Though this has caused me to go into a downward spiral of unhappiness, and I am a very bubbly person. My significant other is most of the time in defence mode so every time I bring up my feelings or emotional needs he gets defensive and says I’m being insecure and needy. It’s causing a lot of heartache… a lot! I feel like it’s all my doing that he gets defensive, I’m no saint, I think sometimes I make it hard on him by sounding like a broken record. Anyway I needed to get this out and off of my chest. 
   
   

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Empaths are complex, we arent just in help mode for other people but a vast array of feelings and as these feelings basically run our lives we cant help but feel non empaths lack feeling hence it leads to expectations. We can identify our feelings are extreme and acknowledge non empaths are more "normal" but that doesnt mean we dont feel a giant trench between us and them.

When it comes to expectations, therefore, we try to not have them but our "constantly wagging tail" reminds us that others tails only twitch. Our differences are too different to bare leading to us criticising our partners and friends in a kind of silent yelling "I need you, I want deep and meaningful discussion but if you turn your head or take it wrongly all the time then... what is the good of you to me".

Add to that in your case (and common) is the childhood environment/parental deficiencies that led to us feeling insecure. Sometimes as adult we can get therapy, meds for associated illnesses and if we talk to others forever it wouldnt all be enough. A bottomless well of need.

In terms of our partners we have options-

• Seek out group therapy or forums to talk about our issues and leave our partner alone in terms of filling that hole.
• Break the defence walls of our partner by different approaches. Eg Telling your partner gently that you have needs of conversation that leads to things like reassurance and that he can opt out of caring for you at that level (although quietly you accept that this will distant you from him). If he agrees to talk with you about topics then ask him not to fly into defence mode. Also "darling can we talk about a problem not involving you"? Then ease into the conversation BUT a big absence can be you not asking questions which leads to him feeling he is just a ear to you not the solution. "I'm feeling I need more affection at the moment as I'm thinking a lot about my childhood, what do you think"?
• Move on and seek a more ideal listener
• Fix our insecurities by repairing the scars long since inflicted.

Some people need their partner as a sounding board for our emotional well being. This can be taxing, is it really their role to hear us out all the time? Well, not really but showing care and understanding with some affection and we usually feel great. Such absences of those qualities often doesnt cut the mustard with empaths.

In a 90/10 person (90% empath 10% normal) having a partner 10/90 is a miss mash. My first 3 long term relationships were all- less than 10% empathy on their part, my now marriage of 12 years is 90/90 and its wonderful. 

Whatever your future being an empath is unique, something to be proud of and can be channelled into some meaningful past times.. like I am doing here. So embrace it, you are special because of it.

I hope that helps. 

TonyWK