POCD - worried Ive done something inappropriate - any mums that can relate??

[ThelmaLo]

I've recently been diagnosed with 'pure O' OCD which seems to go through different themes. Since my daughter was born it's focused around her 😞 I'm constantly worried Ive done something inappropriate, and with therapy I've managed to get some separation from some of these thoughts and realise they are rediculous (like worried I cleaned nappy area too thoroughly)

But one thing I can't get past is this. I had a horrible thought that I somehow touched her wrong and didn't remember and the more I thought about the more I was convincing myself I had. I ended up deciding if I had then it would be obvious so I checked and all was of course normal so that thought no longer plagued me. But then I looked again 2 more times... There was nothing sexual about it at all and I didn't touch her but now I feel like I've done something wrong.... 

The thought that I could have done something inappropriate to my baby girl is breaking me 😞 I love her more than anything in this world. I'm avoiding baths and nappy changes now because of it. (my husband is super supportive thankfully)

[Soberlicious96]

Dear ThelmaLo,

Firstly I do feel the need to tell you that I am not a Mum, so I don't know what it's like to be in charge of a tiny human. But what an amazing experience you are having!

And also perhaps quite a scary one, even for someone without the mental health issues.

I just mainly also wanted to say that it's great the you are reaching out and sharing your concerns. Maybe talk to you doctor about your own anxiety in relation to caring for and changing your baby's nappy.

Having and raising a child though is a big deal. Probably one of the biggest ever, so please don't go thinking that you have to 'be brave' and 'go it alone' because I can tell you now, the reason I don't have kids, is because i don't think I would have coped with all the fears and anxiety. My mental health was very messy when I was younger and I just knew I would not have coped. So go you!!! Well done. And just take it each step at a time.

And I am sure that there are other parents out there who may be able to give you much better advice and understanding than I can.

Take care. xo

[Quercus]

Hello ThelmaLo and a warm welcome to the forums.

Soberlicious is right... It is great that you are seeking support and speaking out so honestly. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist too. Be assured these forums are a safe place to voice your worries. Noone here will judge because we all have issues.

Right. To the difficult subject. I have two kids (4 and 5 years old now). But I remember the baby years and all the awkward and uncomfortable feelings it brought out in me also.

From my experiences and speaking to close friends I believe what you are feeling is actually pretty common. It's just people feel too ashamed/scared or awkward to ask about it.

My firstborn was a boy and I wondered constantly if I was being inappropriate. It helped to ask for reassurance from the community midwives or friends. I was told every time what I felt was ok and normal. It helps to ask the midwives openly if they can tell you how thorough you need to be.

It IS strange to go from only being responsible for your own hygiene to having to care totally for a baby. Probably too much information but baby poop gets everywhere and they do need you to make sure they are clean and dry. I'm sure your husband can relate caring for a baby girl probably feels weird for him too.

We found that if you are very uncomfortable what helps is a warm bath. My husband felt more comfortable giving our daughter a bath if she needed a more thorough clean. We bought some Cetaphil which is moisturising and a very gentle cleaner to add to the bath. A soft cloth and water is enough. Nappy free time if it is warm enough helps her get well air dried. What I'm getting at is you are doing just fine. The fact that you care and are being protective of your baby girl even from yourself just proves it. Please try to trust in yourself.

I also wanted to ask if breastfeeding is also an issue for you? Bottle or breast doesn't matter to me by the way. But I found breastfeeding made my feelings a thousand times worse. Noone seems to mention that just because you are now a Mum boobs aren't just practical things.

I remember blushing beetroot and stumblingly asking if I was peverted for finding the sensations and feelings around milk let down so deeply confusing. I was gently told that just as you might find let down embarrassingly happening during sex, breastfeeding can also feel arousing. It happens unfortunately. I hated it and it made me feel revolting.

By the way congratulations on your baby girl 😊.

Nat

[ThelmaLo]

Thanks so much for the encouragement, I really appreciate it and think I really needed a pick me up today. It's nice to know I'm not the only one to go through the awkwardness.

I have gotten a lot better with ignoring the intrusive thoughts now and recognising when they are just those thoughts. I think what's got me stuck with this is that I actually did something rather than just a thought if that makes sense? Like I looked down there when I didn't need to, and I feel like I've somehow invaded her privacy because I shouldn't have looked down there when there wasn't a reason other than seeing where everything was and what it all looked like 😕 do you think that's weird?

Im not breastfeeding, had trouble putting on weight so we ended bottle feeding her so I didn't have any issues of thoughts or feelings around that (thankfully) although it would have been nice to be able to.

[Quercus]

Hi again ThelmaLo,

It was nice to get home from work, get the kids to bed and then see you had replied and my response had helped you. It's always a good feeling, thank you.

Nope. You're not weird. I think it is normal to question everything we do as new parents. What matters most (in my view anyway) is that your daughter's privacy is a priority to you.

You said yourself you looked to see where everything was and check how it looked. That sounds pretty normal to me. You're her Mum. She is dependent on you to make sure she is clean and healthy and safe. Part of that is knowing what normal looks like for bub so that later if something changes you know to take her to the GP. I do think you are being very hard on yourself.

Perhaps in the future you'll get an opportunity to breastfeed if you decide to have more children and still want to. I'm glad to hear this isn't an issue for you though.

Nat