People gossiping/talking about you

[Flowergirl97]

Hi there,

I'd appreciate your thoughts or suggestions on what to do about knowing people are talking about you behind your back or if you suspect they are talking about you behind your back. There have been times in the past when this has been overwhelming and confusing because, what are you supposed to do in this situation? It can bring on a sense of dead and insecurity and I'm not sure how to respond to it. I'm the sort of person who avoids conflict but I've also noticed this is very common in today's society where everyone is comparing themselves and using social media, which has increased the amount of gossip, misinformation, and dare I say it 'bitchy' behaviour in general. Sometimes I have overheard people talking about me in a way that they have clearly misunderstood my intentions or who I am as a person, but I also want to keep the peace and not confront anyone. Anyway, I'd appreciate your thoughts!

[Morning]

hi  , 

I have had the situation of being a topicof gossip and  untruths. I've found there is no way to combat it. People wil do it regardless. It's human nature. 

For me   the best thing I can do is to.know my own truth. To be certain of who I am.and what I stand for. Of what I've done and the reasons for it. Because what other people think.of  me isn't really any of my business. So trying to change it or show it to be different is a waste of my time and energy. And they don't deserve it. The people who know me are the only ones who matter. 

So let the gossipers do what they do. Hold your head up and give them.a big smile. !

[Flowergirl97]

Thank you Morning, that makes a lot of sense!

[therising]

Hi Flowergirl97

I think gossipers face a lot of challenges. Some gossipers will meet these challenges and overcome their gossiping nature and some won't. With the ones that won't face the challenges, technically we'll feel the side effects of their choices in a number of ways.

People can gossip for a whole variety of reasons

• Their life is uneventful and they need something exciting to talk about
• Their life is sad or depressing and they find some sense of joy in gossiping
• They want to feel a sense of belonging to a group, so they join the only available group (the gossipers)
• They find it a way of venting their frustrations
• It's a habit they've never managed to get out of

and the list goes on. So, you could say their choice is to develop more excitement in their life or not. Face the challenge of seeking more joyful ways of living or not. Confidently accept the challenge of being on the outer (free from gossip) or not. Express their frustration productively and thoughtfully toward the person they're frustrated with or not. Develop new habits that replace gossiping or not. For some, it's so much easier to do none of that work. Definitely hard to not take their laziness or poor choices to heart.

When it comes to slander, that's a whole other story. Perhaps in this case the challenge is to set clear boundaries, such as 'I don't mind if you gossip about me but telling straight out lies is something I can't tolerate'. There some people who manage to have fun with gossipers. They'll set an amusing rumor in motion about themself and have fun observing it spread. In other words, they'll rely on gossipers for a form of personal amusement.

[Flowergirl97]

Thank you therising for giving some insight into why they are gossiping in the first place. I agree with what you have said and the boundary of not tolerating lies being spread is a good way to deal with this situation. I feel that when gossip is partly truthful it can be the most painful to deal with, in that case, reflecting on what you have suggested, maybe it is necessary to confront the untruthful component in the story even if some of it is true. Thank you again for your thoughts!

[therising]

That's a good way of looking at it, some gossip containing certain elements of truth (with the truth being a challenge to hear and face). 'Is it true, am I challenging to work with?, 'Is it true, do I have a RBF (Resting B**** Face) that appears as a glaring filthy look but is actually my daydreaming look?', 'Is it true, am I as intolerant as people suggest?'. So the quest to be more conscious begins to trigger significant questions on the rise to greater consciousness. Before we know it, we're raising our self with 'How am I challenging?', 'How can I be more awake in the presence of others, as opposed to daydreamy?', 'What leads me to not tolerate certain behaviours from others? Do I have certain boundaries I'm not entirely conscious of?'.

[Morning]

Flower girl 97,

id just like to say that out of all of the people that we meet , come into contact with or  walk past, the only people that we need to assist have an honest and considered view of us are the people we love and care about and those who love and care about us. We don’t have to examine ourselves from an opinion given by an acquaintance or an onlooker. We have only to be the best we can be to our own circle. If one of them brought an issue to you , you would rightly consider whether there was truth in it and maybe make a change if you felt it was warranted. But that really depends on the situation and the route taken. 
For healthy boundaries and in the view of not taking on what isn’t yours, others opinions or gossip about you is theirs and therefore not at all helpful or healthy for you.q

[amd1953]

Hello Flowergirl97,

I would offer the following thoughts and suggestions for dealing with your problem.   Firstly, you should realise that these people will never change and that to deal effectively with their behaviour would be to ignore them particularly as you dislike confrontations.   Secondly, I would recommend that you avoid anyone and everyone who shows an inclination to put you down in any way, shape or form.   Thirdly, be strong in your own convictions and live your life the way you see fit.   Don't worry about what other people are doing or thinking.   I have spent the greater part of seven decades worrying about the very same thing.   If someone does not enhance your life, then there is no reason to give them a second thought.   Let them be and you become what you wish to be.   Hopefully, free from worry and stress for the rest of your life.   

Kind regards

amd1953

[Flowergirl97]

Thanks amd1953, 

I really needed to hear that after having a bad day today. I've had to make some big decisions recently and today someone gave me their very honest but insensitive opinion and made me second guess myself just when I was starting to feel confident about my decision. But you're very right, I just need to live my life the way I want to. Sorry for the late reply btw.