First of all, I can acknowledge that I have come a long way since
hitting the depths of rock-bottom a few years ago. And this forum
helped. I sought therapy, got some life managing tools, turned a corner
when I left a toxic job and since then, have e...
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First of all, I can acknowledge that I have come a long way since
hitting the depths of rock-bottom a few years ago. And this forum
helped. I sought therapy, got some life managing tools, turned a corner
when I left a toxic job and since then, have experienced a healthier
mental headspace and over body shape. My problem is....how quick I
spring back to hating myself, blaming myself for everything,
highlighting my failures and being uncomfortable with any positive
validations - I feel dishonest like I'm fooling people. Am I addicted to
anxiety? Is the daily effort, to ignore the self critic in my head, for
the rest of my life? Because thats too much work. I get acknowledged at
work or someone praises me, I list things that I do wrong instead. And
I'm such a friggin dweller. Cannot move on from a mistake or a comment I
made even though noone is bringing it up and hasn't caused consequences.
I can't sleep. I can't function. And I have a great network of family
and friends around me but I feel selfish to burden them with I'm not
coping with Life. I feel like a failure at everything. I hate myself. I
annoy myself. I'm surrounded by a network of supporters but I feel
selfish to lean on them. Why cannot I feel joy, be grateful...why is it
easier to accept I'm a waste of space, im fooling everyone that I have
my shit together .I'm not house proud, don't do enough homecooked
dinners, I'm on the phone lost in cyberspace where I can be helpful or
liked, instead of cooking and cleaning for the family. I always make a
good impression and then I retreat. Like I'm going to give you reasons
to not like me. This affects Work. I come in as a social butterfly and
then I start second guessing my ability to do the work, start thinking
I've disappointed everyone and I just spiral. My Manager said last year
"you're not the same person we interviewed". She didn't mean it in a
negative way at the time. She was encouraging me to be kinder to myself.
I. Have.Not. Let.That.Go. I feel guilty like I started working there on
false pretenses. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing so many different
roles that when I'm alone I realise the real me is the one I hate the
most. Pathetic, lazy, unorganized...I've convinced myself that whatever
anyone else sees is an illusion. So that being said what do I need to do
to feel better about myself? How do I switch of that inner self critic?
And do I just embrace I live with anxiety and whatever tools work, yes,
I'm going have to use them every day for the rest of my life? I need the
second phase of my life to look different. I don't want to be a burden
to myself and others anymore. I want to feel lighter. I want to see the
positive and lean into it. Most of all, I just want to be able to say
"Oops. Noted. Moving On." I hate living in my head. I hate that I know I
have plenty to be grateful for but feel unworthy of it. I hate I didn't
pursue my dreams because I wasn't good enough so I seek impossible
perfection in everything that I do - deliberately I guess, to remind me
I failed to be successful. I hate that I've taken up someone's time
reading this rant when they probably have bigger problems than me
feeling defeated by Me. All I know it is a horrible feeling to close
your eyes and feel nothing but hate and anxiety towards yourself. I've
been told I'm a good wife, mum, friend, colleague, relative....instead
of feeling joy, I'm devastated that I've duped them somehow. If I'm
destined to live like this just please help me with the spiraling? How
do I stop the negative cycle in my head from snowballing? I want to
sleep. I want to proactive around the home. I want to give Work the
hours it requires and switch off and go be present with my family. I
want to be more present with my family and friends. I want to feel joy.
I want to look around me and everything and everyone that I love is
around because I deserve it. That's it, I guess. How do I feel worthy of
my life?
Hi! Check out this post if you're not sure how to start
