OCD and depression

Bond007 · ‎12-04-2018

First of hello and thank you for your time. Its great to see some support..

I am migrant in Australia who came nearly 15 years ago. Did all my studies, worked hard..etc etc. Somehow managed to get stage 1 testicular cancer 10years ago. Perhaps I didn't get much help and was pretty isolated after being diagnosed to cancer and fell into mental issues. Wasn't married either. I just blamed myself too much for cancer and engaged in lot of self loathing. Obviously the result was I got lot of anxiety and depression out of this. Quite right to say that I didn't laugh for number of years due to my mental situation. It's been difficult to forgive mydelf. I literally punished myself by creating or manifesting intrusive thoughts and being very harsh on myself.

I have seen psychologists,psychiatrists etc. with some success. Currently working on self compassion, being gengle on myself etc. but sometimes it seems too hard. Engaging in some mirror work so I can learn to accept myself without any judgements.

When my OCD is bad I worry about getting addicted to drugs like ice, harming my family etc. Also doing some ERP as that's proven treatment for OCD. also taking some meds which causes lot of drowsiness.

Now my questions are and if someone can answer please..

1) How do I engage in self compassion more? I have never been gentle to myself before. Self love has been foreign suject to me..

2) How do you manage work, career and drowsiness? Its difficult to get out of bed even sometimes.

3) I don't feel motivated towards my career anymore. How do you manage such situation? Once I was highly motivated. I am worried about career and finance/money.

Tia

Chloe_M · ‎12-04-2018

Hi Tia,

I understand that having cancer, or having to watch a loved one go through that, is horrible. My dad had bowel cancer 9 years ago- he was told he had a 30% chance of survival, and I am very lucky to have him here. I am currently fundraising for this year's Relay for Life.

Intrusive thoughts are also horrible. I get them sometimes- about harming myself and not being loved, and also simple things like missing the school bus and worrying about what people thing of me.

I do not have a diagnosis, but I am very depressed and very anxious. I have violent mood swings- one minute I'm on top of the world, the next I'm curled up in a ball on the floor. Its tiring. I get what you are feeling.

So, to business- your questions.

Self compassion- indulge and treat yourself. It might sound weird but I like myself more after I do things I enjoy, like shopping, dancing, hanging out with friends etc. And try and not be so hard on yourself. I try and do this by being lenient with myself e.g I get 80% on a test and I was aiming for 85%. I think 'what can I improve, I'll do better next time, I at least got a B+, I'll try harder next time' etc. Also try and feel sorry for yourself sometimes. Self pity is okay sometimes.
I don't work haha, having a job would be too stressful, but I do study a lot. I try to balance my life- making sure I have time to study, read my book, go to my dance lessons, and time to hang out with my friends. When studying, I think 'how long should this take? Is it being assessed/marked?'. That helps me figure out how much effort I should put into it. Also coffee is a good wake up call 😉
Is your career starting to bore you? Or are you just lethargic and fatigued? I try to make goals to work towards, but I'm not really sure on that one. Sorry.

You mentioned meds- I'm guessing you are eithe currently seeing or have seen a psych? You could talk to them, they would be much more help than me!

All the best,

Chloe

Bond007 · ‎16-04-2018

Thank you very much Chloe and apologies for late reply.

I've been formally diagnosed with OCD/Anxiety. Basically emotional trauma due to stage 1 testicular cancer has got better of me. I didn't had much emotional or physical support when I was diagnosed with cancer as my family was overseas and I wasn't married. I kept loathing myself whole day pretty much was in very bad shape. This has left me with anxiety, obsessions, self destructive behavior etc.

So yes I am trying to be bit more gentle with myself which I have never been in the past. Always been bit rough and tough on myself. I am engaging in some laughter therapy now. As far as career is concerned I've become pretty disinterested in my career for which I had passion before. To add meds does make me fatigued and drowsy lot of times.

Overall it's pretty awful at times and OK other times. Trying to do the best I can..lol

Chloe_M · ‎16-04-2018

Hi Bond007,

You seem like you are going through a really though time. But it will get better. Laughter therapy sounds good- i could do with some of that. That's really unlucky that your family was away when you were diagnosed- If you still don't have enough emotional support, just remember that you have us. We are always here.

Have a good afternoon,

chloe