Not sure what is happening

[Suzi]

I don't know what is happening...

Just feel like everything is working against me at the moment.  Even myself!  Like I am sabotaging my own peace. 

I'm so tired and when I say that to people they say I should rest more or sleep but it's not that kind of tired.  I can't explain it! It is a feeling of exhaustion from deep within that doesn't seem to go or lessen at all, no matter how much I rest/sleep.

There is something not alinged in me and flaws that I not only don't recognise but never thought I would have.

I think and hope that I am just going through peri-menopause. It is as if my entire belief system, sleep pattern, mood and thoughts have changed. I don't even recognise

myself anymore!

Others have seen the changes and like to tell me that I am no longer the nice person I was and to try harder, asking when is the old Suzi coming back.   I feel alone and I don't know what is happening.  

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you Suzi

I think it depends on which camp we come from when it comes to how we're going to view peri menopause or a change in life. We can view it as 1)purely a physical/chemical transformation with some mental/psychological challenges involved or we can view it in a more traditional sense as 2)'peri menopause and spiritual awakening' in some cases. It's a topic well worth Googling. With the latter it's about the physical elements and changes, the mental elements and the soulful or natural elements. It can involve the trifecta when it comes to who we are, including who we naturally are. Btw, in certain cultures, it's said we go through 7 year cycles which coincide with significant shifts in our nature and identity (7, 14, 21, 28, 35, 42, 49, 56 etc). I turn 56 this July😁

From an energy perspective, the chemical energy related to estrogen is pretty amazing when it comes to what it's responsible for and how it regulates so much within the body. The mental energy that can be involved in facing certain challenges at this time in life can be intense and exhausting. From a natural perspective, developing a sensitivity to a great variety of energy shifts can present both minor and massive challenges. From sensing or feeling the slightest of temperature spikes (internal or external) all the way through to sensing what someone's really saying to us and everything in between, all can be felt. Sensitivity overload can become exhausting. 

People can be strange, hey, and incredibly triggering. They can either say 'Gee you've changed. You're no longer the nice person you used to be. When's the old you returning?' or they can say 'I notice you're really struggling, down, stressed and upset. Let's sit down together and work out the way ahead toward finding the new you'. They can either remain an observer and critic or they can become a support and guide at one of the most challenging times in our life. 

While some things can be lost at this time in our life, such as a solid sense of identity, high functioning levels of estrogen and other forms of chemical energy, a solid sense of direction etc, I think it's important to make sense of what we're gaining at the same time. Gaining increased sensitivity means becoming more awakened to intuition, more awakened to all the stuff we've been tolerating for years, awakened to the nature of others (including the really triggering people) and the list goes on. Btw, while our developing intolerance may be labeled as our 'fault', I like to consider it as somewhat of a super power. You could say to people 'Now that I'm fully developing the ability to feel what's intolerable, I'm no longer going to tolerate the insensitive things people say to me, the lack of action people take when I need their support, the questionable things people do and so much more. I'm going to challenge and question just about everything that feels intolerable and if that earns me the label of 'challenging' or 'difficult', I'll wear that label as a badge of honour as I honour and learn to love myself at this time in my life'. Going from 'people pleaser' to 'warrior princess' is quite the transition and one that can be felt.❤️

[Suzi]

Thank you so much for your kind post and really encouraging words.  Now just have to try put them into practice.  

[therising]

Hi Suzi

I've found it's about picking one thing at a time and practicing it or putting it into practice on a daily or weekly basis or whatever timing works. Building up each practice amounts to creating a new structure to manage (with some flexibility). One step at a time, hey. I have to follow my own advice and start doing more of that myself. I can feel a major turning point in my life at the moment and my inner dialogue sounds like 'You have got to change, otherwise you're going to suffer more down the track'. Whether that's my inner sage chatting away up there in my head or something else, never a wiser word was spoken. I have some highly questionable practices, emotional eating included 😊

[Suzi]

• Thanks it just hard to pick which thought to listen too, so many going through my head.  I know what you mean about emotional eating lol.   It's strange how if a friend was going through this I could reasure her and help her see that it will get better but my internal dialogue does not believe that or tell it's self that, the opposite actually.  Thanks for your message. 

[Guest_82671445]

Hi Suzi, My name is Shani. I’m 20 years old and I also don’t know what is happening. 
 

last year my dad/best friend killed himself. With no circle of friends and a very very small family support system I am left to realise I am alone. 
 

I have a boyfriend and a sister whom also went through the tragedy of loosing my dad, however yet I feel so alone. You might suggest speaking to them and explaining how I feel. With my sister it is difficult because we are most merely surviving on our own and it’s hard to bring it up to each other, but with my boyfriend and even my mum or my boyfriends family it is evident that even though they may acknowledge what happened they will never understand or really care. 
 

I am still so young with my whole life ahead of me, yet I feel like it’s over. I feel like my life has corrupted and I am now just existing.

since I lost my dad, I have got a job then fell pregnant then got fired for taking sick days (for being pregnant) then got an abortion because I’m not ready to raise a human in my mental and financial state and now I am mega stuck. 
 

my bill are piling up, I’m getting more and more left behind and more and more stuck. 
 

the other day my mum came over and started drilling me about why I haven’t done some online forms and paperwork, it was when I turned around and asked her why she never helps. Her fast defensive response was all I needed to hear to validate the statement again that I stated. I TRULY AM IN THIS ALONE. 
 

no one understands, no one REALLY cares. It’s all on me to push through and make someone out of my life from what it has been. 
 

but I will tell you the hardest part of all, it is the days that I am trying to get my life together and on the days that I don’t and may be a bit down everyone forgets that last year my dad/best friend killed himself and to me I think about it every second of the day but for them it’s old news and quote “get over it” “you can’t get down your whole life about it”. 
 

so I say forget everyone else, the old Suzi is still there she’s just not feeling safe, supported or emotionally understood AT ALL.  
 

I don’t know if you’ve ever had your person Suzi? The person that gets you, that when you may be a bit angry or cranky instead of getting mad they ask you if you’re okay, the person that can read you like a book. But I have, and that was my dad and I don’t know if I will ever have a person like that again. What I can say, is for everyone else that isn’t like that, that isn’t thinking about what I’m feeling or what I’ve been through and just judging me or my life’s choices. They are no better then all the things they judge or comment on us for. 
 

the people who care won’t tell you they care, because you will know and everyone else doesn’t really care so don’t care about what they have to say. 
 

mentally I don’t have much tools to help you right now with what you are going through, I am sorry that you are struggling right now though. But I do know that even on my worse days a run/walk and some water and journaling does make me feel refreshed mentally and physically. 
 

I hope you feel seen and heard. 

[therising]

Hi Suzi

I get what you mean when it comes to being able to see for other people or even hear for other people but not for ourself. Through our mind we can see the best possible way for a friend or family member to go or we can hear the kind of inner dialogue that sounds a little like 'If they do this, everything will work out perfectly...' and it does. I've heard it said before that even the best of seers can't see for themself, which is why they have their own personal visionary, someone who can see for them. So, apparently it's a thing and it's said to be based on emotional interference. The stress or grief or confusion or whatever it is we're experiencing can get in the way of clarity. The emotion/s create blocks. The opposite is typically the case when we're on a high and there are zero emotional blocks. Everything is completely clear and we can be powering through life based on what we see ourself needing to do and how our inner dialogue guides us, leaving us without a doubt.

I said to someone just the other day, after resigning from my job, 'I feel like I've become completely unblocked. I can see my way ahead much more clearly now'. Up until I resigned, a lot of the inner dialogue was 'You can't resign. You're a deserter, leaving your friends to manage so much stress without you. You can't resign, it'll mean less money coming into the household (with only my husband working). You can't resign, it's selfish' and on and on it went. Sounds a bit out there but I decided to conjure up a vision in my mind of my mum, who would have been my guide in such a case. With her no longer being here, I imagined myself sitting with her and in my imagination I asked her the question 'What do I do?'. What came to mind was her saying 'What are you waiting for? Resign but don't waste time sitting around. Do everything you need to do and see where that leads you. You'll have enough money to be able to afford this, from your share of my estate'. She was very chatty in my imagination 😅. I should add, my husband fully supported my need to leave that job. I finish up there in a couple of weeks. 

It can be so hard to find the right vision or the right advice. Sometimes such things can be found in the most unconventional or questionable ways. Doesn't matter how they come, what matters is that they do.