My workplace ruined my life

[MissCambridge]

Where to start...

Well, I finished my diploma and entered into the workforce confident, strong and enthusiastic. Unfortunately I don't remember that person particularly well. I'm now a shadow of my former self and I despise myself every day for it.

I didn't believe people when they said it was a terrible place to work. I should have.

When I started to hear whispers about all the disgruntled ex-employees I didn't run. I should have.

When I watched people get bullied out of the place one after another I didn't stand up, I didn't leave. I should have.

Now I sit here a totally different person with a much shittier view of life. It just passes me by and I wait for each day to finish hoping that the next one is better while I swallow my medication and hope to feel nothing. It doesn't happen.

I worked for a short time as a case manager; helping people get on top of their problems and support them through their trauma. Funny that. After 6 months I was given a promotion as a Team Leader and I stayed there for 2 years. In my 3rd year a new worker started. As we expanded they needed a second Team Leader and she was it. We got along well at first; she supported me to learn as she had years of experience that I did not. I welcomed it and looked to her as a mentor. But, that passed. One day I questioned her about her method of case noting and decided that my team would do it differently; I declined taking on an extra client she asked me to. Shortly after I was getting cornered in offices and yelled at, threatened, intimidated. I attended the police station as the bullying was that bad. Senior managers that were her long time friends were trying to get rid of me. The rumour mill was turning like crazy; I was apparently having affairs, drinking in work cars, you name it! That was a horrible year. I watched all my friends either get fired or asked to stay away from me. I was alone.

Now, I know this sounds like a bit of a far fetched story - but I assure you, it's all true. My work ended up investigating and substantiating the whole lot.

I turned up to work and read an email in the car that she was given a promotion; she was not only in charge of me now but the whole organisation - you thought she was getting fired too, right?! I didn't go to work that day. I didn't go back at all.

Every day I fight to be my old self again. One that doesn't struggle to go to the supermarket or take the garbage out. I am crippled with anxiety and I cant fix it.

[white knight]

Hi MC, welcome

If ever there was a post I can titally connect with, its this one.

Briefly, 1987 as a dog ranger council worker I was directed to give preferential treatment to a state politician. I refused, the fight was on. In the end I list my job and my healtg deteriorated. Anxiety etc.

So, how did I survive? Well accepting that some people are cruel, manipulative and cunning is a start.

The following threads are selected to help. If you like just read the first post of each.

Google

Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue

Topic: bullying- beyondblue

Topic: how I eliminated anxiety- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: back to basics- beyondblue

Maharaji prem rawat sunset

Topic: distraction and variety- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Please take heart that time is the best healer. Be proud of yourself. Once you can position your mind to a place of comfort things might improve.

Repost anytime. I'll keep a lookout for your posts.

Tony wk

[Croix]

Dear MissCambridge~

Yes it sounds as if you have hit a lot of the less desirable things out there in the workforce. Without going into detail my occupation was such that I was invalided out so I can relate to a lot of your feelings.

Frankly I think you were outmaneuvered by a cynical bunch of people who wanted the status quo and looked after their friends. It may seem obvious to say this but it was learning experience, as it was for me. I'll never go back into the same sphere of occupation, but opening my eyes and giving me experience has most definitely helped in other areas. I protect myself more, can anticipate better and have a more realistic idea of what advice to give others.

You said you are crippled with anxiety and can't fix it. I found I could not fix myself and had to have outside help. This was both medical from doctors and psychiatrists and from my family. I kept getting worse until I had the right treatment.

So may I ask if you are currently under treatment? If you are and there has been no real improvement maybe your regime needs altering. Of course if you have never been to a doctor about this then now would be an excellent time to start. You have come here, hopefully finding those that can relate, please take it further and book a long appointment with your GP.

My life has gone from hospitalization to a pretty good state, I was a complete mess. If I can improve as much as I have then I'm pretty sure you can too

Croix

[MissCambridge]

Thank you so much for your response. I find it incredibly valuable to know that you have been able to find some way to deal with it because at the moment I am just feeling at a complete loss as to whether there is even an end to this.

I will be sure to check out the threads you have suggested 🙂

[MissCambridge]

Hi Croix,

I have been to the GP and getting the medical help I need - best decision I ever made. I am also seeing Psychiatrist and Psychologist regularly and like you, I would strongly encourage anyone reading this thread who hasn't taken that step yet to do so.

I've known for a while that they were out to look after their friends but I just went about my business not realising at the time that I was in the target area as I had never caused any drama for them. My mistake was that I assumed management would put professionalism first and play by the rules that are there to protect people/staff - but they disregarded them and despite my best efforts I was unable to use them to protect myself because they didn't care about the rules!

I'm optimistic that one day I will be able to look back at the lessons this phase of my life has shown me. At the moment though, I still have a lot of pain and issues to work through. I am sorry to hear that you got to the point that you were hospitalised and I am glad to read that it seems you are well into your recovery now. Thank you deeply for sharing because at the moment I feel like I'm in a really deep hole I can't get out of and its consuming my life. Everyday I challenge myself to do something. Today I didn't do so well but earlier in the week I was able to go to the movies and that, for me is huge!

[Croix]

Dear MissCambridge~

Thanks for your reply, I'm glad sharing did a bit of good. I can't help noticing your saying

Every day I fight to be my old self again

I know you mean more than what I'm about to say, but I think it is still worth saying anyway. I started aiming that way until I came to realize that original me was naive and vulnerable, and to go back would be to disregard all the suffering since. You will no more be the same person than I am. I'm more able to cope with the horrible things life throws at me, and I'm sure you are getting there too. There is value in experience no matter how terrible it may be. Without it I would not be taking to you, I'd not understand:)

Very sensible moves to have that medical team, it sounds as if they are a good one. Going to the movies is excellent, that - along with books and other things - is one of my methods of distraction and self-reward.

It's worth mentioning. My strategy has been to have each day something that I enjoy and takes my mind away from everything. It was extremely hard to do this to start with but became a lifestyle. Looking forward to a reward each day is good - and builds self-regard (which sounds not related but works for me)

Exercise when the mind is racing, I can only manage slow walk but that helps a lot, gets the body and mind from being frozen in an undesirable state. The free smartphone app Smiling Mind is excellent - after a fair amount of practice I'm afraid - can change a stubborn racing mind too.

There are lost of practical tips in this thread, I've found it very helpful at times:

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

Do you have anyone in your life to support you? Talking with someone who cares, even if they do not realy understand, can be a relief.

That deep hole is very real, but I'm sure as I said before if I can get out of it you can. There really is an end to the purgatory.

Croix

[MissCambridge]

That's certainly a better way to start to perceive this experience and I hope it wont be long before I can use this negative experience to build on my resilience and it will make me a stronger person.

I love that strategy and when I'm in the right mind frame I also try to make a daily target that I do something just for me; that I enjoy. It does work really well. I used to be the kind of person that was out doing things all the time and I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be like that again; I am seeing each time I don't do something the 'old me' would do as a failure and I didn't realise I was doing that. Perhaps embracing some of the changes of the new me wouldn't be so bad.

I have a very supportive family and amazing friends. My friends understand really well what I'm going through because they also worked at the same organisation and both have left there now. 2 out of 3 of us are on Work Cover for bullying by the same person and the other was fired by the place for a BS reason.

I had a great day today and that's all I can aim for right now, I'm happy with that 🙂

Again, thank you so much for your response and sharing. I really do appreciate it x