My partner doesn't understand my anxiety

[riddle95]

Hi,

I love my partner with my whole being and it pains me to say that we are polar opposites when it come to our mental health. I consider him to be the lucky one because he is so care free and comfortable compared to me. I have GAD and take medication for it daily. I've been diagnosed for about 8 years now and until 2 years ago, I was battling severe bouts of anxiety and depression daily. Panic attacks, no emotional regulation, suicidal ideation and was just not in a good place at all. I have come so, so far and I feel happy with myself. I am working full time and living a productive and relatively healthy life. 

But here is my issue: My partner does not understand my anxiety. He is so care free and makes comments that are really hurtful because whilst he is just "joking around" sometimes, he goes too far and too often he does not validate what I am feeling. He does this because his mind functions differently and he cannot fathom someone getting worked up over something so "simple" when to me, it could feel like I am about to die or it is a big deal. Often it is fine and I get over it. But it has gotten to the point where he doesn't even consider what I am feeling because I am being "unreasonable" or "ridiculous" because it isn't an issue for him. He makes jokes about my reactions and it is fine when it is actually something that is unreasonable or minor that I am genuinely over reacting to - but my issue is the big stuff where I cannot help feeling like I am going to die. Being in the car is one of them and he won't even recognize how I interpret situations or experiences because if it isn't "scary" or "dangerous" to him, then it mustn't be at all and anyone who thinks that is "wrong." 

I have tried encouraging him to learn about my anxiety but he is so damn resistant and when I try to talk to him about it he just says that he "doesn't understand." He even says "it must be hell living inside your mind." And I say... "well, yes. That's why I take medication and had severe depression until I learned coping techniques."

I don't know what to do. I am incredibly sad and frustrated and don't know how to talk to him. How do I get him to understand my anxiety and how he can help me rather than setting off my triggers and making a joke like it isn't a big deal if he does set off a trigger? I hate how this creates arguments some times. I feel like my anxiety ruins everything. 

[therising]

HI riddle95

My heart goes out to you while you face the incredible challenges that can come with being such a deeply feeling person. While the ability to feel so deeply and so easily can be such a blessing at times, at other times it definitely feels like a curse, that's for sure.

Being a gal who's a real feeler, I used to wonder 'What's wrong with me?'. That was while looking at feelings/emotions from one perspective (suppress to please others, 'keep your feelings to yourself', 'toughen up and stop being so sensitive' (grrr!), 'just get on with life and stop dwelling or over thinking things' etc etc). In other words, it was wrong to feel so much. Only a few years ago, at about 49, that I came to see feelings from a different perspective. Then it became more so about having a sort of 'super power', waking up to 'I can feel just about everything. Wow!'. Problem is this includes feeling what you don't want to feel. You can feel your own internal dialogue and whatever comes through your imagination, feel what your nervous system's doing, feel other people's words, tone and body language, feel how stressful other drivers on the road are (definitely feel tailgaters), feel what's depressing, feel what shut downs and put downs feel like, feel other people making (their own) 'fun' when it definitely doesn't feel like fun to you, feel other people in stress or deep sadness etc etc. The kicker is...when you're with someone who chooses what they're going to feel it can be frustrating. I'm married to a guy who's like this. He chooses what and how he's going to feel. Not a problem 'til it becomes a problem. Eg: I can feel my children's sadness, frustration, lack of a sense of direction, stress etc. It's one of the things that connects us, our ability to feel for each other. If my husband doesn't want to feel such emotions, he switches off. As a consequence, the 3 of us feel the disconnection. Used to be upsetting 'til we decided we'll simply feel for each other. When there's a problem to be solved, the 3 of us will sit and get a feel and vision for the best solution/way forward. Took a long time to get to this point.

A friend put me onto a book called 'Sensitive is the new strong' by Anita Moorjani. Very insightful.

[rhombusslope]

This is very relatable - it’s hard being with someone who is a good person but they just don’t speak the same language. Please know that at least one person (me!) totally accepts what you’re saying as very valid and real. I can’t handle teasing very well, so when my partner does it and my feelings get hurt, it feels even worse when he says ‘it’s a sign of affection’ - if it was, then you would know I hate it! Similarly, he’ll beep people when I’m driving and I have a big fear of being attacked by strangers or put into a confrontation, and he just can’t see why I get so stressed out. But I don’t need him to understand it, I just need him to accept I have those feelings about it and not do it (regardless if the feelings are ‘silly’ or not). I have found that taking a breath and calmly explaining that his actions hurt my feelings is enough to get him to see it. I try and say ‘I’m not saying I think I’m right and you’re wrong, I’m just saying this bothers/upsets/hurts/stresses me out’. I also try and give myself space after a weird interaction with him so I don’t make it worse by arguing or saying something aggressive or rude back. Also, while it’s fair enough for your partner to say something you think/feel is ‘ridiculous’, he should know that choosing those words makes it sound like he thinks ~you~ are being ridiculous - he definitely could work on rephrasing. I want both of our partners to still express themselves, and I’m trying to work on being more resilient. I find opening up the dialogue and expressing my feelings straight away is better than letting it bubble under the surface for days/weeks/months. I hope you are doing well, thank you for sharing and making me feel a little less misunderstood 🙂

[riddle95]

I really appreciate your support. I've been feeling very disconnected recently and I am finding things hard. It does make me feel a little less alone about it though. So thank you and I hope things can go good for you too.