My boyfriend hanging out with girls makes me uncomfortable

[maya7895]

I know it is bad to go through peoples phones, but I had the urge to do it with my boyfriends phone. We had a fight a week ago because I get uncomfortable with him hanging out with girls he’s friends with (especially because most of them he’s liked or had a thing with). My previous relationship I was cheated on, and I feel like this trauma has followed me into this relationship and I don’t know how to work on it. My boyfriend and I came up with a compromise about him seeing this girl he wanted to hang out with which was to see her once a week maximum in a non-suggestive environment.

Later on when I went through his phone I went into the conversation with his friend, while we were still fighting he was confiding in her about how he feels etc, and he said “do we still have that pact that when we turn 40 and we’re still single we are going to marry each other” and she agreed. Now I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve read, and I can’t bring it up with him because then he’ll know I went through his phone. I feel like I am so easily replaceable, and my self-esteem is so low. I need to work on this but I don’t know how to become comfortable with him hanging out with girls he used to like or had a thing with.

[blues23]

Hi maya7895

im sorry your having a hard time with this situation, can u discuss it with your boyfriend? The context of that your uncomfortable with him hanging out with his friends( previous attraction to these friends ect ) i think you should be clean about going thru ur boyfriend phone from my experience you can’t base a relationship on hiding things or trying  to control his interactions with this girl and the amount of times he sees her ect that also but boundaries on him and he will naturally rebel against those boundaries ( such as he’s hiding these conversations with his friend Re : his relationship status at 40 & your worrying cause he’s talking to these friends in this context) also can you ask yourself Do you see yourself in this relationship when your 40 ? Or in the near future? As it seems a few trust issues are at play regardless of your issues with being cheated on in the past As in you can’t trust him & he may or may not be making you uncomfortable with him hanging with girls he’s been attracted to / been in relationships with.  It would be even weirder if you were say to date a man with no female friends that would be red flags everywhere, if possible you can look at it this way too . From my perspective he should be honest about his feelings/ future with u , and u in turn be honest with him about your needs , there should be some understanding : compromise between you both .self esteem is hard to achieve especially in relationships where u may not feel as valued , respected as you should   .ask yourself is this relationship working for you and him and go from there but first always is to be honest with ur boyfriend and yourself as this is the basis of a healthy relationship honestly, respect, understanding, friendship.