Hi to anyone who actually reads this,
So I think I'm writing this not to actually get help or advice (although i would still love it) i think I'm just kinda writing to get it all off my chest. With my anxiety, I go through what I like to call "episodes". These so-called episodes started in my first year at high school- year 7. The first couple of episodes started with me really intensely worrying about one certain thing. I remember the first episode was me worrying about Suicide, like really worrying myself sick. I would cry every night to my mum and dad scared of this certain thing, worried i might do it or something. Which is silly anxiety, is what I call it. But eventually, as i kept on living and thinking of other things and just doing life again, I'd forget about it and then look back and think " Yep that was a silly thing to think about". And then I would have another episode, this time i worried about being a lesbian. Silly i know that now, because there would be nothing wrong if i was a lesbian, in fact i think i might be attracted to women and of course that doesn't worry me at all now. I had a couple more silly anxiety episodes after that, about two every year i guess, but they would only last up to a month max. Some that i remember where ending my life, being a lesbian, having cancer (that was a reoccurring one), identity crisis... i just never felt like myself during the silly anxiety episodes. I always remember every single time i was in an episode it would always end up with me crying my eyes sore on my bedroom floor and sobbing to myself, "Why cant i just feel normal" every. single. time. But they where never debilitating worries, it never stopped me from going to school or having fun with friends or worrying about anything else other than that specific thing. THEN, i don't think i will ever forget this episode, it is something like i have never experienced, they only way I can describe it is this- You are in a test and you getting that flighty panicky feeling when you forget the answers and you searching trying to find it but you start to panic your head gets light and you feel the walls start closing in. This feeling is how i felt everyday for just over 3 months, there was never any break. I felt like i didn't sleep the entire time. It was the scariest time of my life, scared that i was gonna be in this panic mode for the rest of my life. (continues to next post)
