It feels like my last shot.

[razzledazzle]

For the majority of the 19 years on this planet I've struggled with mental illness, I couldn't tell you what life altering moment happened to me that caused any of it to happen because I'm still trying to figure that out myself. The last 2 years have been the worst mentally and physically for me, but when I say out loud what seems to be the centre of my problem -university and separation anxiety- it sounds so small and insignificant. It started in 2021, fresh out of high school and I was planning on taking a gap year, but my parents were very against the idea. Very long story short I went ended up going to a university in a different state, that I had never been to, living by myself, knowing that 5 years prior I was too scared to even sleep in my own bedroom without my parents. 5 days at the new state, after I had faced a lot of complications, I moved my luggage into my new studio and thats when something triggered. I had what I didn't realise at the time was a panic attack of some sort. I was so scared, all I wanted to was go back to my parents. Nothing could calm me down I had no one near and nowhere to go. There wasn't a moment in that studio where I didn't feel fear. Waking up to the same panic and anxiety and knowing that it would follow me for the rest of the day was unbearable. I couldn't eat, move myself, I was constantly crying, the back of my head would start to heat up and tingle almost like constant goosebumps and that when I could tell that it was going to get worse. That lasted for 4 days before I could drop everything and book a flight home because border restrictions were lifted and I wasn't trapped anymore. I didn't care that uni had already started, or how expensive the tickets were, or that my parents weren't exactly sure why I was coming back. I didn't/couldn't even tell my parents why, until a year later when I thought I should enrol into a uni a bit closer, in the same state but still a flights away, and do it online for a year, but that same feeling, came trashing back and caused me to drop out of it. My parents don't understand, they are very religious and mental health is quite taboo, they don't like the idea of me getting therapy and like to down play and complain about my situation to relatives.

So now I am enrolled in yet another uni for midyear intake but this time its at home, and I can drive there. Its no way near as prestigious as the other two, and it starts in a few days and I'm so scared I'll mess it up.

[Sophie_M]

Hi razzledazzle, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time over the past few years. We think sharing here is a great step towards feeling better.  

If you want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online here. It’s ok to reach out when you’re feeling anxious or upset, they can talk you through some ways to find a bit of calm, and then help you to figure out some options for further support. 

We’re sure we’ll hear from the lovely community soon who are friendly and super supportive, but in the meantime, here’s some strategies you might like to have a look at it: 

• Another thread where the community have shared some strategies for managing anxiety 
• Beyond Blue Article: When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 

Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[ecomama]

Hi razzledazzle, great name! 

Welcome to the forums. It's great you're sharing here in this safe space. 

Congratulations on gaining entry to Uni, even 3 of them! Well done. 
And well done for persisting. 

I can see "my parents" mentioned many times. Clearly they've been a great source of support for you, it's clear they've also put a tremendous amount of pressure on you also. 

Herein lay the dichotomy you're feeling. The tug of war going on mentally for you. 

Sometimes our parents do such a good job of protecting us. that this is possibly "overdone", to a point where teaching you how to be independent is left aside, then it's not easy to feel safe without them. 
No parents are perfect, just as no one is perfect. 

My parents were also extremely religious, Missionaries overseas and all. I get it. 

So ridiculous imho that our parents' view of mental health issues is taboo... Jesus meditated after all. He also became frustrated numerous times and shed many a tear to God! Not saying Jesus had MH issues lol, but he was certainly strung out at times. 

Due to your age, I believe you would be able to access e-Headspace. I don't mean to go against your parents but I DO want to support you to get help along your journey. You're an adult now. You can do this without your parents' permission. 

Also you needn't think that people here would judge "Uni and separation anxiety" as small things. 
They aren't! 

It's vitally important for you to get support asap, because many MH issues in young people have their onsets AT UNI! So believe me, you're not alone. 

And if we can't support our Youth doing the very best they can in the most challenging of times? 
Our society should feel ashamed. 
Not you. 

I have full belief that you will do so well at this Uni, I KNOW you will. It won't be easy, hence the departments are called "Disciplines". It takes discipline and knowing what you need to get through. You've truly got this. 

Love EM

[james1]

Hello razzledazzle,

First of all, well done in enrolling again. You said that university was the centre of your problem, and tackling that the way you have done is a really big deal. Honestly, even if it doesn't work out, that would take nothing away from what you've done in simply giving it a go.

I understand you struggle a lot with being away from home and generally being away from your parents. It sounds like there is a lot of anxiety there and you don't feel comfortable speaking to your parents about it because of their cultural views. Still, it is a very challenging thing for you to deal with and while they don't like the idea of you getting therapy, I understand you are looking for a bit of support.

If you don't mind me asking, have you gotten any support in the past, before you came to the forums here? E.g. have you ever spoken to a GP, or even any of the phone lines like the one Sophie M mentioned?

James

[nskye]

Hi razzledazzle,

Welcome to the forum and share your story with us 💙

I felt your struggles as I read your post, and I am sorry to hear about how you feel. I hope you know that I think it is an admiring thing for you to continue your study despite the anxieties throughout your experiences. It shows how much courage you have, thriving from the unpleasant situation that you have been in your life. 

Coming from a similar background as you with parents who do not like the idea of me getting therapy, I understand how alone you must have felt, considering how much it meant to have their support and be around them. It must have been tough for you to study from a place away from your home. It is natural to fear what might go wrong when things haven't been easy for you since you moved out.  One thing I find helpful in this situation is connecting with others (just like what you are doing by sharing your thoughts on this forum). I moved to a different state from my family when I finished high school and the first period was truly difficult for me. Still, I started enrolling in some activities/volunteer programs to meet people, and it did help me a lot to find a community where I feel I belong. If your anxieties get worse or out of control, it would be ideal to contact the Beyond Blue Support Line that Sophie provided. Have you also ever thought of setting an appointment with a counsellor at your university to discuss some ways of coping with your anxiety better?

It seems that your parents contribute a considerable part to your life, but at the end of the day, you are allowed to seek the right help regarding your wellbeing. Please continue to be brave, stay safe, and I hope you will get the right support you need! 

All the best,

n

[Banksy92]

Hello razzledazzle,

I can relate to the struggles of adapting to moving away for school a lot and understand first hand how triggering it can be to be away from all our comforts, fending for ourselves as we come of age. 

Given you were already dealing with some struggles in the home sleeping independently, it is not surprising to hear that moving away on your own triggered such a strong feeling of panic. Throwing ourselves in the deep end like this can be extremely distressing.

If the end goal is to be able to live independently and pursue your studies, I would suggest breaking this up into much smaller steps. Gradual exposure is a helpful tool to help build confidence and resilience. Working with a psych or counsellor would be a great help in this process for professional guidance, but if you feel you cannot do this, that's okay too.

If you have any more questions about this just ask away, we're all here for you.

[Petal22]

Hi razzledazzle,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand anxiety can be so hard to deal with.

I understand that moving away would have felt very isolating for you not to have your parents close by for comfort.

Have you thought about having a chat to your gp about the way you are feeling?

I understand that your parents find mental health conditions taboo and I’m sorry that they complain to relatives. But that is a total reflection of your parents.

razzledazzle this is your life and you are your own person mental health may be taboo for your parents but it doesn’t have to be for you.

Seeing a psychologist can be really helpful for you they can give you many strategies so you can learn how to manage your anxiety.

You really can learn to manage it.