My anxiety is winning

[Danni554]

Hi

I'm 24 and I've suffered from anxiety problems most of my life but I'm feeling very defeated right now. I just started my first full time job at a really great place after graduating and I feel very lonely and stressed. Every morning I wake up I instantly feel anxious and like vomiting and that I'm unwelcome at work. Every day I sit at my desk and thoughts of I'm a failure and that everyone wants me gone run through my head. I'm constantly told what a great opportunity I've been given and not to mess it up but I'm pretty sure I have.

I'm the youngest at work and am struggling to make friends with most of them, its a small team of people and I do think they are all lovely but it feels like most of them aren't interested in talking to me unless they need to. I go out of my way to say good morning which most don't do back and I'm feeling left out and isolated, when I go to join in conversations most of them will stop talking and turn away. Sometimes they will stand as far away from me as possible so I don't even get the opportunity to say hi and start a conversation. Two weeks ago I had to leave work early because I was having an anxiety attack and started crying from being overwhelmed with stress and loneliness and feeling like I'm failing at my job, as soon as I got home I regretted leaving because I felt defeated that I couldn't fight through it that morning. I still try every day to make a dent socially but sometimes it feels like I go miles for the smallest response. I'm always wondering if it's because I'm bad at my job and no one is telling me or if they just want someone else more outgoing there. A few days ago I found an article about being the newbie in my field and it said it'll be really lonely for a long time while working through the grunt stuff and learning the ropes, which I am struggling to accept because this anxiety is starting to affect my life outside of work. I'm struggling with doing things I love and my relationship is starting to take a toll because I'm so run down from fighting internally with myself at work. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear and would greatly appreciate it, I've worked hard to start a career for years and don't want to lose this. I'm determined to fight but it's getting harder each day.

[blondguy]

Hello Danni554

Welcome and good on you for having the courage to post on the forums

I understand you as my anxiety started when I was 23 and it took a while to realise that fighting the anxiety only makes it worse

You are doing your best with your career and take a lot of pride in it....thats excellent!

If I can mention what has worked for me.....really frequent counseling. I started seeing my GP when I was 23 and she really helped me give me my life back. I had anxiety attacks when driving...at the office.....the list was endless.

I also didnt know at the time that the sooner the symptoms are treated the better our recovery is. I was a dill and didnt get it treated early. Anyway....I didnt know any better at the time...unfortunately

You are a proactive person Danni. You have buckets of enthusiasm and are career focused too. Nice1

If I can say...you are also very hard on yourself. 24 is a difficult age when we have colleagues to compete with as well as 'our overthinking' about our own performance too. This is very common....you are not on your own

Just my humble opinion but if you make a double appointment with your GP and have a good talk I am certain that you will feel a lot better. Sometimes we need our GP to vent to about what we are going through

You have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose 🙂

I do hope you can stick around the forums as there are many gentle people that can be here for you

Please post back when its convenient for you. The forums are a judgement free and safe place to post 🙂

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Danni554]

Hey Paul,

Thanks heaps for you kind words 🙂 I have a few years ago tried treatment and the GP and psychologist I saw said there wasn't much they could do to help me other than to be there to talk to and they would listen, which is of course is better than nothing... Normally I manage my anxiety with gym, yoga and a few other things but I'm constantly feeling run down and mentally strained at the end of the day to do anything, and now my sleeping is starting to get disrupted by either being woken up by an anxiety attack early in the morning or I can't get to sleep because I've got adrenaline from an anxiety attack, so this makes me physically exhausted on top. I've been looking into group sessions at community health centres but wanted to see first if anyone had any other advice I could try that might help.

[blondguy]

Hey Danni

Thanks heaps for posting back. Anxiety does vary in its severity as mine is a different level to yours...

If anxiety begins to effect our day to day well being........then we need someone to vent/talk/cry to. If the anxiety is having a detrimental effect on your day to day life then it needs some TLC from a counselor

Just another tip....anxiety is also our system letting us know that we have way too much on our plate......

You are a legend with the workouts and being 'aware' of the anxiety. Constantly feeling run down and mentally exhausted is very common but is best revisited with a doc (sorry I know you have tried this before)

You are spot on about the adrenaline effecting our sleep. You are well versed with this awful disorder.The overload of adrenaline will leave us exhausted....physically and mentally

Anxiety is best treated as a physical issue as its partially chemically based. I was super fit and career focused when my first mega anxiety attack happened. I had no idea what was happening and didnt have the support that is available now

I had a counselor ask me about my childhood and I just burst into tears....I had no idea that frequent counseling (even with a GP) would give me my peace of mind back.

May I ask you if your anxiety is impacting on your day to day well being? (only if thats okay of course)

You have an amazing attitude Danni and you are always welcome to post as many times as you like. I am ex corporate management and human resources just fyi

There will be other people on the forums that also have a similar situation Danni...

I hope something here has been of help to you so far. Any questions are welcome!. I am only a volunteer on Beyond Blue with experience re anxiety/depression

Paul

[Danni554]

Hey Paul

Sorry to hear you've gone through all this too.

My day to day is ok, if it's a weekend I can do most things depending on how upset I was throughout the week, if its been a hard week then I can only do basic things like shower and eat and watch movies, but during the week its hard to do things. I'll either be too busy trying to get my adrenaline down at home after work or i'm too exhausted to eat or unpack my bag or do anything other than go straight to bed.

If you have any advice to help me with my coworkers and managing anxiety at work I'd love to hear it. Whenever I'm given an new training task its always terrifying for me, I get so nervous everyone is thinking how bad I'm doing or that I'm not good enough to be there. A couple of them are very encouraging and very nice but it doesn't help the rush and thoughts I get when something is given to me. Something that does help me is when I have a good interaction/conversation with some of them but as I said most avoid me or sometimes it feels like I have to run a marathon to get a sentence or two. It's crushing some days mentally and physically to be persistent and as polite as I can throughout the week to get almost no responses back and at the end I'm so tired I can barely make a conversation with my partner. I'm hoping career wise it'll get better as I get older, it'll be easier to talk to people and I'll have more experience but right now its hard to push myself when everything (social interactions, tasks) feels like I just swam from on continent to another to get something done or talk to someone.

[blondguy]

Hey Danni

Thanks for posting back again 🙂

Being 24 and in a career can be a difficult place for more people than you know. You are more proactive than others by having the courage to talk about it and kudos to you!

Most of the strategies for anxiety at work are related to how we process our thoughts. Just for me I had low esteem in my 20's and saw my GP to help me out. I can say...'try not to worry' or 'dont take work so seriously' but that wouldnt be of any help.

Co-workers can be a pain sometimes especially if we feel we arent as 'good' as they are.

Can I ask you if you have a supervisor or manger at work that you can have a talk to? Even managers get really anxious about their career responsibilities too!. As a senior manager for many years I would be sad if a staff member didnt come to me for help/counsel if they were feeling uncomfortable or anxious in any way

As you said in your post Danni the anxiety does lessen when we gain more experience and knowledge in our role. I really admire your work ethic. Please let me know your thoughts about having a talk to your manager

Your career is important for sure...but shouldnt be a cause of stress or anguish

You are not alone here...This is your first full time job. I understand that you are doing your best but you are also being a bit hard on yourself...We all need time to grow in our career/job/vocation!

Im sorry for the slow response Danni....I am usually pretty quick in getting back 🙂

We are here for you

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Danni554]

Hey Paul,

Thanks heaps again for your advice, its much appreciated!

I honestly wouldn't know where to start that conversation with my supervisor. There is one supervisor for the department I'm in. He's nice and he does care about everyone on his team but I wouldn't be comfortable going to him because I don't see the conversation going well for me, he would care but he wouldn't have many options to help. He's supposed to be giving me more work and increasing the pressure to make sure that I can push through crunch periods, so if I go to him and say that I'm very anxious all the time I'll be let go, that's been made clear from the start because the job can sometimes be very high pressure. I'm always told I work great under pressure but it's at the cost of my mental health. There aren't a lot of options for him to help me. I get most anxious when starting new tasks at my desk because everyone can see what I'm doing early on when they walk passed me and I'm anxious they are judging my early mistakes and not know that I'll fix those issues later. He can't move me away because there isn't room and that would make me more isolated and lonely and I think that everyone else would get more uncomfortable with me if I suddenly sat in a different department.

I don't mean to come across as fighting you on this, sorry if I have, I'm just too worried about going to my supervisor and having that conversation with him. It doesn't seem like a conversation that would go well for me in the end.

[blondguy]

Hey Danni

Thanks heaps for posting back. If we didnt have new posters on the forums then I wouldnt be a volunteer here anymore so I am rapt that you are part of the Beyond Blue Forum family 🙂

You are not fighting with anyone at all Danni. We are here to provide the best non judgemental support we can..no worries at all

I see two options (just from my experience in corporate)

• Keep going as you are....except for the anguish and anxiety..ugh....Doesnt seem like a good idea...
• There is nothing 'wrong' with you...Some job performance anxiety is to be expected....Can I ask how you feel about booking a double appointment with your GP? You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by having a really good vent to your GP. They have the training to deal with job performance anxiety without seeing a counselor 🙂

Please let me know your thoughts when convenient 🙂 I used to see my GP for a 'fine tune' when I was really worried about my performance at work....I always felt a huge sense of relief and happiness when I left my local clinic after having a good vent

You are not alone here Danni

Paul