My anxiety is getting worse - overthinking

[Nat345]

Hello 

I will try not to waffle on with my story and boar you so here goes.

me and my boyfriend  have been going out for the the past two and a bit years, now our relationship has been wonderful, he is a loving caring boyfriend. But like any of us he has his faults , but most challenging sometimes is our age difference, there is an 8 year age gap, me being the older one 33 female and my partner 25 male . Always tell my self that sometimes that it is our age and emotional maturity that makes us differ in opinions and the way we see things.  But but lately he has been going on about living abroad in Germany. Now we have talked about this before, but being young he is very spontaneous and wants to go next year . Now I want to and and would love to go next year for about 6mnths but There are several things that worry me.

money

him leaving with out me

not managing in a foreign country 

not having a job go back to 

i have tried to talk out a plan with him, but every time we talk about it, he either dose not know what his plan is or if he is even going, and he gets frustrated when I get upset .  I get very upset and anxious and we get into huge fights sometimes because of it. He can't understand why I get so upset over something that is ( to him, so far away). But being a woman and having anxiety I tend to plan and overthink everything. but these thoughts tend to spiral out of control sometimes with suicidal and self harm tendencies. Mind you that is only on really bad days.  

Sometimes I get so upset with him because of his lack of compassion and empathy I don't even want to talk to him. I have even said that if he goes with out me, I won't be here when he comes back. Which really kills me, because I love him.

We have  talked about a plan were  I would join him a few months after he goes, but then the negative thoughts start again, " can I live with out him for a Cretan period of time?" "what if he meets another woman?" " what if he has an accident?" " what If he dose not want to come back?" Omg these thoughts make me Feel sick!. 

I am getting to the point were I don't even know where we are heading anymore. My thoughts are killing me and, I am sick of being the one who is the crying mess every time we talk about it. Sometimes I wish I could jump into his head and make him understand what I am feeling. 

I really don't know what to do HELP!!, if anyone has any positive feed back. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story 

Natalie 

[JessF]

Hello Natalie, I can understand your anxiety but I wonder if you are missing a key piece of the puzzle here in letting your thoughts run away with you: it sounds like from what you are saying that your boyfriend actually has no plans to go to Germany, he is just entertaining the possibility.  Is it worth getting into fights and letting your anxious thoughts run wild when every time you bring up the topic, he seems no closer to actually booking a flight?

[Nat345]

Hello jess 

It seems like it will be on the cards for next year, because we have talked about how he wants to do this before he buys a house. But you are right it has been talk up until this point. He has the means and money to go when ever, as with me, I have to save. 

it seems really mediocre compared with some things in the world that go on. But I'm terrified being left behind , and when I try to communicate this with him he sometimes gets frustrated.

[leo232]

Hi Natalie

I have similar issues with my partner. Not in the sense of overseas travel but in the sense that he has things in his life he wishes to do that make me quite wound up. I found that everytime i tried to talk to him about what my concerns are he wouldnt understand me. At first I thought that he was just refusing to even try to see things my way, after a while I realised that while I thought i sounded rational and was explaining things sensibly, it didn't make sense to because my version of rational and sensible is based on the day to day life i live with anxeity. I had to realise that he couldnt possibly just understand my argument or train of thought because he didnt understand the driving force, anxeity and hes never experienced anxeity to level or consistency i have. The problem was he was seeing things objectively in black and white and while I thought i was too, what i was really looking at is the grey areas and the feelings and the way the train of thought developed was that without realising it the anxiety had built up an argument of its own. In these instances I turn to him and say (in a sweet tone) "Im not in the head space for this would you mind if i took a moment to gather my thoughts" 
from there I was sit and think
1. What are we arguing about? eg; he's upset with me because I'm so wound up
2. What is his main message? eg; why worry about something so far away
3. What is my main message? eg; concerns for money, unfamilar places, leaving without me
4. Why is that my main message? Are there other triggering factors?eg; because I'm most concerned we will be seperated and other triggering factors could be the idea of him meeting another woman, no money, long distant relationships are hard
5. How can I calmly communicate, point by point, my fears?

The trouble is more that your partner has trouble understanding anxiety and therefore in way he has trouble understanding you. What worked for my partner and I is we would sit down and I'd explain what anxeity is in laymans terms, i explain how it can manifest, i explain my known triggers and i explain how he can help me cope.
In doing this we became closer but also now he understands my struggles and how to help. He knows hell never fully understand it but neither will I in a sense but the point is weve found a way to communicate without my anxiety flaring. 
I hope this helped and didnt sound too self-rightous. It's just the sort of stuff i wish someone had told me when I was in a similar position
Good luck with everything!
Leo.