Marriage Over, Resents Me, Hates Me, Wants Me Gone, Struggling

RichoC

Hello team,

So just thought I'd vent a little and try and make sense of things and hopefully get some tips and help.

My Wife today announced that our marriage is over 100% done. The end. She has so much resentment towards me for awful things that happened. I'm at fault to a degree but in her mind because it came out of my mouth its my fault. I have a high level of ADHD as told by my medical people. I'm on very potent medication which is good, keeps me super calm and very switched on for work. ADHD causes this I know that I've read up on it. She doesnt care at all. Blames me personally.

Now she has said she wants me out of my house that i have paid over $800K towards and done renovations, maintain the property well. Thousands of dollars in work I've done building, installing lights, plumbing you name it. This is my house. She has no legal right to do this as a lawyer told me.

So I'm dealing with that living here now. I sit in my music studio for 16 hours a day away out of sight from her, she loves that. I work here, site here, its not great.

I am looking for a place to go now. The benefits to me are I am not subjected to her emotional abuse and anger. I don't want this at all. This is my house too. She thinks I'm only worth 20% of the home. She's misguided. I've had legal advice that won't happen so I will pay and invoke that on her, she will be so angry. Oh well. Its actually the law, I've read it cause its my qualification in law.

So I'm living in this horrid state. Been forced into things I hate. Having my property stolen off me, illegally. I try to be calm, it helps drop my anxiety but its ramping up now. I'm trying so hard. I get abused, I am 2mm from calling Police and having her written up for a DV offence. I know that legislation and law and she has breached it multiple times. I have kept records.

Anyway, I dont know. Do I just move asap, disappear, go hide? I'm due a very large payment soon that I could retire on from my music, hit songs! Hope someone has an idea. Thanks, big rant sorry. I got nothing and no one here. Just me.

randomxx

Hi op.

Don't feel in any position to say much on the marriage itself front as mine hasn't worked out either.

But on the house. She can't take your house mate, that's just bs, tell her to go jump, she's delusional. Especially as it's your house and sounds like your the one that's paid for it and done all the work , what has she put in ?

ln a marriage these days that could still mean because of your marriage , it may be legally half hers now after certain time frames, l'm not sure that'd all be very subjective to all the specifics but eh ask a lawyer bout all that and l know sounds like you have. Then there's kids and things too.

But she def' can not kick out, l'd tell her that myself too, who does she think she is. She's the one that wants this anyway so you can kick her out actually as it's at least more your house than hers min' by the sounds.

And l'd also say don't you be forced into staying in your studio, in your own house, to hell with that. Get out and around the house and do whatever you want or need to. She can slam doors and act like a toddler all she wants .

At any rate, l did have a friend in almost your same situation back when. He was also advised that under no circumstances should he move out of his house and myself, under your circumstances no way known l would either.

Anyway, hope you can get on top of things.

rx

therising

Hi RichoC

It sounds like your wife wants what's easiest for her, to not have to see you every day. This way she doesn't have to feel and face such overwhelming and challenging emotions. By the sound of it, you can relate to not wanting to feel and face the challenging emotions that come with seeing her every day. Beyond the emotional side of things, there are the facts which you point to. The house is also yours, you have a legal right to live there and you also have what you could call a moral right to be there. You've invested time, money and a sense of devotion into the house and unless there's immediate danger involved, no one has the right to kick you out of your own home. So, the question becomes 'How do we go from living together as an intimate couple to living together as a couple of housemates?'.

While my husband and I are trying to reform our relationship in some ways, initially (a few years back or so) I said to him 'I'm done. I just can't do this marriage anymore. It's become thoroughly depressing and enraging'. While it definitely wasn't an easy conversation to have from an emotional angle, we also had to discuss the practical side of things. We both had a right to live on the property, so the question became 'How are we going to do this in a way that works for both of us?'. I should add that my husband loved spending a lot of his free time in the fully self contained bungalow in the back yard and agreed to start using the bedroom in there as well, while our 2 kids and I used the 3 bedrooms in the house. So that was 'the sleeping arrangements' sorted. Over time, the habits we were going to keep and the ones we were going to change had to be sorted. Just to name a couple: While I was in the habit of washing his clothes, this changed to him washing his own clothes. While I was in the habit of cooking for the family, I thought it only fair to continue cooking for him while he was partly paying the mortgage off for the house I was blessed to be living in. He was never going to kick me out, just as I was never going to kick him out. It's the way we were both raised.

I think what made things a little easier involved a revelation I shared with him, which actually shocked me when it initially came to mind. In the 20 years we'd been married at that point, we'd never been really good friends. Not even before we were married. We'd suddenly become a couple but we were never a couple of best friends. So, while living together separately, we had to develop a friendship that worked in some way. In no way am I suggesting you and your wife work on becoming best friends, what I am suggesting is that you define the kind of relationship it will take in order to live together separately. What that needs to look like, only you know. It can be the little things that add up to a workable living arrangement, such as if she has breakfast in the kitchen at 7, you have your breakfast at 6am or 8am when the kitchen's free of her. If you use the laundry on Fridays, she has 6 other days to work around you. With the added challenge of ADHD, I imagine this is not going to be as easy as it would for some people.

While I know it sounds simple, at the end of the day it's about meeting the objective. For my husband and I, at one point the goal was to eventually sell the house and divorce yet we developed a better relationship and the objective or goal's now changed. For you, the goal might be to sell the house in 6 months time and work out 6 months worth of living arrangements or it could be to pay her out with the money you've got coming. It pays to have some good guides to help us establish and work toward a solid goal or set of goals. One guide may be a lawyer, another may be a guidance counselor of some type. Another might be a psychologist, to help manage ADHD throughout these challenges you've never faced before. Btw, my 23yo daughter's been diagnosed with ADHD, so I'm conscious of what sounds easy is definitely not easy to manage in some cases (with a brain or mindset that can make things far from simple).

randomxx

For sure rising and to op too

l realize it's by no means easy, an emotional turmoil and a huge reason OP isn't using the rest of his own house l know but at the same time she's doing and acting the way she is. Bc she thinks she can, she's acting entitled to the worst degree, and worse.

So op is living the way he is, not only to avoid the emotions of it all but because of her tantrums, she's acting like not only a total b, but also a spoilt entitled brat.

So as hard and as heartbreaking that it is, it's better for op and it's better for her , that he puts he's foot down so to speak in going on using he;s own house as his own, just like you'd have to with a teenager , for their own good but yours too.

As heart breaking as it can be, just like with a teen or with your spouse , for things to be going this way, the worst thing you can do is cater to someone acting like she is.

rx