Lonely

[2teray]

Hi

I had somehow made myself the one everyone was comfortable with the one who everyone knew would care support comfort & do all that they could to help. But being “the one” made me somehow a thing & not really a person. I would try to be heard but I was met with rolling eyes sighs & sometimes yelling because I wasn’t considering their feelings. I would even try to point out that I am only asking to be considered as well but me trying to ask for consideration & respect never went well unfortunately I wasn’t taken seriously I was labeled as moody & cut off until they had something else to share or get off their chest & I would instantly be “the one” again as if nothing ever happened
I started changing with family friends & work this was difficult cos people who had labeled me “the caring one” they would come to me & unfortunately the label was accurate I do care, too much if I’m honest. I have seen psychiatrists psychologists & counsellors but found no help with my biggest issue “caring too much” I wanted help to stop caring I wanted to learn how to be more like others I had witnessed my whole life starting with my parents & older brother I guess I learned how not to be from a very young age. I truly believed that treating others how you would like to be treated that they would pay it forward but not towards me however I have always received appreciation & compliments for the way I am but I see it as a curse not a good thing at all.

I tried treating others how I am treated by them, & I was tossed aside again.
I eventually became agoraphobic I rarely leave my house - I am in treatment because I am very much a believer of “well it can’t be everyone else”

nice people are what I am terrified of most because it’s been my lifelong experience that they use me & end up treating me really badly. I know it’s my fault I set it up every time by showing kindness & compassion & forgiveness (like you’re supposed to) but unfortunately no one learns to be decent towards me - Im lonely but scared to death to open myself up to others when my own family members have written me off as moody changed or simply as “unrespectable”

My partner disrespects me he admits he needs to treat me better but he’s as selfish as they come. I don’t understand it - get nice? be nice, not hard.
sadly Ive found no one learns from treating others how you would like to be treated & as for treating others how they treat you that teaches nothing either it just makes you lonely 😞

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Relationships are really complicated, and I’m sorry you’ve tried different things to make them work, but youve ended up lonely.

At the end of the day, we can’t control how other people behave, and whether that’s consistent or not. But we can control our own behaviour, and be someone that we feel good about being, regardless of how people respond.

Are you able to work on setting boundaries with people if they don’t treat you how you’d like to be treated? Maybe you could start with your partner?

Katy

[Petal22]

Hi 2teray,

I think it’s a great attribute to be a caring person.

If the people you are being caring towards aren’t giving you back the same gesture find a new circle.

”your circle should want you to win. Your circle should clap the loudest when you have good news. If they don’t get a new circle.

Please keep being you…… YOUR people are out there, please don’t hide yourself away.

[2teray]

Thank you Katy

Ive tried setting boundaries by explaining what I would like and it’s understood at acceptable at the time of discussion I choose a time when everything is going well to express my need to be respected and of course there’s no problem the problem comes when an issue arises disrespect or inconsideration and that’s when I’m a pain I try to remind them of the agreement reached but it is taken as a slap in the face and I’ve offended them by pointing out they are being disrespectful they become defensive and at times aggressive I am not sure what else to do

I have tried many times nothing works my son admitted he doesn’t know why he treats me the way he does he sees me as soft and easy to take advantage of I might say “hey” but in the end I forgive and it happens again and again

my father is the only one who made the choice for himself to stop taking me for granted and treat me with respect and kindness he acknowledges what I’ve done for him and brought to his life and pays it forward by being a decent person to me, we can talk about anything we respect each other and we can have a good laugh. That took YEARS to get here but I’m glad we’re here now. I’m grateful

I have family members who randomly contact me and I know it’s because they want to get something off their chest but I’m done being a sounding board and then abused because I’m not contributing enough to the conversation yet if I do and I have a different opinion I become the outlet for their frustrations with the world

I don’t know what to do when my requests for respect and boundaries are not considered so what’s the point?

I have tried many many times with my partner and others but nothing changes why would it? What I am going to do? I’ll get over it

im probably the only person in Vic who isn’t happy about visitors being allowed back I’ve been avoiding those who want to make contact because like I said nothing changes it’ll be as if nothing happened and I am offloaded onto again with no thought or consideration of me.
my partner was critical of someone on a tv show a week ago calling them selfish - I was stunned - I simply said “I’d like flowers or jewellery too for no reason or at the very least for birthdays and Christmas” it was as if I slapped his face because he knows he doesn’t bother and this is not the first time this has been brought to his attention so true to form he’s offended I’m unreasonable for bringing that up.
I had hope he would bring in flowers but nope

[2teray]

Thank you Petal

i used to think that too but it’s a curse

As a young kid I watched the tv show prisoner and I adored looked up to and wanted to be just like Meg - she was firm fair kind caring helpful and compassionate and I hadn’t seen that

My parents and older brother were incredibly selfish - I remember my mother telling me that I was caring and fought for fairness from a really young ago at pre school or at a park I would stand up for anyone being mistreated even an animal and she would say “I dont know where you got that from but it was embarrassing” now I learned how not to be from my mother but it backfired cos being a caring person gets you hurt disrespect and mistreated and forgiveness only gives chances to do it over again.
I couldn’t change how I was treated and I couldn’t change from caring so I was left with just being my own comfort and friend I had to because my inner voice was turning on me and I couldn’t have that it was all I had left so I hide

but I’m lonely