Loneliness and my thought patterns

oldmate322 · ‎16-09-2020

Hi guys, i am trying to be kind to myself and acknowledge that this is a problem I should talk about, even though I know this may not be as serious as others are experiencing.

I am a 32 year old Sydney resident for at least 5 or so years now. I have frequently experienced loneliness throughout my life, as well as GAD and some minor depression, and have had few relationships and/or encounters. The last serious relationship I was in was 2 years ago and I have not dated or indeed been intimate with anyone since that time until very recently.

For all intents and purposes I have a good life. I live in a nice suburb, in a nice apartment, have kept my job as a legal adviser during COVID and otherwise am comfortable.

Logically I have a good thing going, yet I constantly battle with loneliness and isolation. I have very few friends in the city, and tend to get very nervous and/or fatigued trying to find/engage in new activities.

Recently, I became friends with an amazing girl who has some of her own mental health problems. We became close friends and have been intimate at least twice. However she has since expressed that whilst she loves me as a friend, she is not interested in pursuing a relationship. I knew this when we were intimate and had resigned myself to this, but through helping her through an episode recently and through not having much in the way of other close relationships, I have fallen for this girl. I have expressed this to her, and she has let me down gently. I obviously don’t blame her, and do not expect that she will reciprocate my feelings simply because I have them, but nevertheless it has triggered me to have a strong bout of loneliness, which is bordering on depression.

Most importantly, my inner critical voice has stirred up as a result, and I am becoming very unkind to myself about my perceived failings in my romantic life.

Recently I have been taking steps to try and recognise these negative thought patterns, but every time I think about this girl, and the fact she has started dating others, I feel an immense sadness, which sometimes triggers off these thoughts.

I guess my question is: should I do something within these sad moments, or should I continue to allow myself to feel these sad moments to help process the pain. I’m concerned that whilst I should allow myself to feel sad without judgement, if I don’t actively take steps to combat these moments, that it may turn into a cycle of self pity.

Thanks

Sophie_M · ‎19-10-2020

Hi oldmate322,

We're sorry to hear that you're having to constantly battle feelings of hopelessness and anxiety. It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of unhelpful thoughts. This is something that many of our members have experienced - hopefully a few of them will pop by to relate and maybe offer some sage words of wisdom.

You might find it useful to take a look at some of our online resources for some ideas:

“Loneliness” -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/in-focus/loneliness-the-public-health-issue-we-sh...

“Coping with a relationship breakdown” -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/wellbeing/coping-with-a-relationship-breakdown

It's good to hear that you're seieng a therapist. If you ever find that you need to talk to someone in between sessions, MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

oldmate322 · ‎25-10-2020

Thank you, I’m a little better since when I posted this, was in a very bad state. I suspect that I may have progressed from anxiety issues to Depression, and that this may account for some of my dissatisfaction and disassociation with life lately. It was a strong emotional upset, and I am still not out of the woods yet, but I am a little better than I was. I’m hoping the therapy will help, as I am struggling to motivate myself to Go out and do things to better myself as I have been trying previously when feeling upset.

Thank you for the response

oldmate322 · ‎16-02-2022

Hi guys, have posted something similar before, but I’ve recently had an event which has caused a huge spike in feelings of inadequacy with my life and myself in general.

The short of it is that I am constantly feeling like I am struggling to keep up with everyone in life. This is both in terms of life experiences, sexual experiences and general social acceptance.

I am a 34 year old Sydney resident for at least 6 or so years now. I have experienced loneliness as well as GAD. The last serious relationship I was in was 4 years ago and I have had limited dating and intimate liaisons with anyone since that time until very recently.

For all intents and purposes I otherwise have a good life. I live in a nice suburb, in a nice apartment, have a decent job as a legal adviser. Logically I have a good thing going, yet I constantly battle with loneliness and isolation.

Recently I have had a weekend encounter with a girl who was absolutely amazing. Whilst I’m usually cautious about this sort of thing, I have been caught off guard and completely fell for this girl despite myself.

After the event (which included both physical and emotional closeness) the girl has indicated she was not ready for a relationship with me, gave reasonable grounds and generally handled the situation as well as could be expected when someone is not interested. I have no anger towards her, but it has really stirred up feelings of inadequacy in me. The girl in question was well travelled, financially stable and ahead, and had sexual experience which I somewhat lack. despite knowing this is a negative pattern, I am criticising myself for not being at the same level.

I am also judging myself because my life is not as bad as others, but I am either financially restricted, anxiety restricted, or just generally uncomfortable. I feel like I am wasting my life, as a result, and fallen behind due to my own mentality, rather than circumstance.

I know Im supposed to build internal strength, find contentment in self, but this girl was everything I was looking for. I don’t know if this was just idolisation, and I know I should rely on self affirmation, rather than a relationship, but this girl ticked every box for me and now I have to try and be mature about the whole thing, which makes it harder because I’m more upset than I think I should be for such a brief encounter. Additionally, Though I try not to, I am constantly judging myself for feeling this way.

Thank you for letting me vent a little

Sophie_M · ‎16-02-2022

Hey Oldmate,

Thank you for sharing this update with the community. We know that it can be really difficult to take that step and ask for some help, but you never know who might read your post and feel less alone in their own experience. You're always welcome to vent here.

We can hear you've been really struggling with feelings of isolation, inadequacy and self-criticism. That's an incredibly hard place to be, we're sorry that's been going on for you. We'll probably hear from the community at some point. In the meantime, here's some things around the site we thought you might find handy:

The Beyond Blue article on When your inner critic is giving you a tough time
This previous thread on Talking to your inner critic - can it be tamed? where community members have shared what's worked for them in dealing with some oif the feelings you mention.

Remember you can always reach out to our support service to talk things through, on 1300 22 4636, or online.

Thanks again for sharing here, Oldmate.

Kind regards,

Sophie M