like what it is this? why am i this way, pls?

[Guest_18417928]

i don't understand why i react the way i do. i don't understand why i act and hurt other people the way i do. 

i’m not particularly suicidal; i just need advice, help and hope please.

i didn't see the sun today.

i sat inside all saturday, watching fleabag and new girl.

i'd like to change someone's life, to really pinpoint meaning into somebody else's life, to be a pillar of change.

but i don't know how to do that, and i don't know how to change.

i feel like everything else is beautiful in its way, and i think maybe i should get a penpal, in prison or something, and be grateful for all that i have.

even when i'm trying to be grateful, i feel selfish, comparing my life to somebody else.

i feel this weird mixture of extreme loneliness, but extreme gratitude for all the love i'm recieving in this mess.

gratitude is all i have to give

i could go to this party next week

full of people that i'm scared of, that i think hate me

and the boy that i'm on at the moment, that i kinda like

but i'm kind of scared of

i'm scared because i don't know anything

i never know how people really feel

and i had a dream that he told me that he was angry at me, because we did something really vulnerable, and then i kept hiding from speaking about it

i heard he likes me, and i validated that physically, before i knew he liked me

but i don't know how i feel about him

my two best friends, at school, last week cut me off.

they didnt really.

one called me to talk about the issues we'd been having

and then i sent things in a similar direction with the other,

that we're just not that similar anymore, or that good for eachother.

and then i walked away from everyone and sat alone.

because that felt like the only choice i had

even though i have a million choices

i shape my reality.

i box myself into this silence everyday.

where do i go from here?

when i think everybody already dislikes me,

and i'm so anxious i cant speak,

and i'm now alone

where do i go from here?

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum. When answers to things in your life are not clear it is a good place to come, as many others will have felt the same.

You have written a very clear account of your thoughts, the difficulties you have speaking with people, not knowing how they think - or on some occasions how you regard them.

Going ot a party is a chore -not fun. Talking with best friends is confusing and does not have the results you might like. You would like to make you mark in the world, help peple and be acknowledged.

I have an anxiety condition and at one stage felt interacting with others was too difficult and made me feel bad. As I result I tended to cut myself off more and more from others.

If everything had continued on that way I too would have

"i box myself into this silence everyday.

where do i go from here?

when i think everybody already dislikes me,

and i'm so anxious i cant speak,

and i'm now alone" -apart from pets.

Fortunately I received assistance, therapy and medication, together with family support. This has over time changed my whole life around, I enjoy talking with others, I do not worry they will dislike me, and if I say somethng that is misunderstood I go back and explain what I meant.

No, I've not managed to do anything earth-shattering 🙂 Maybe next week

As clinical assistance made such a difference to my life (and those around me) can I suggest you see your GPO and explain how you feel - or even print out and show your post. Ask to be tested and see what happens.

I'd be pleased if you wanted to come back and talk some more

Croix