Is it wrong to feel disassociated?

[Snaedis]

Hi guys,

So to make it all brief and give some back story. I am staying at home in a town and my classmates also in same town but on campus accomodation. I went into severe depression and anxiety since last year due to a guy and my friends. I decided to cut the guy off because it was just too much (like having anxiety attacks 2-3 times a day and unable to sleep and severe depression). Then due to my depression and anxiety my social interactions with my so called friends decreased and then I came to sudden realisation that they had all kinda just moved on like I wasn't there and made new friend groups. All this people are currently in the same town as me and some of them are nice but I just can't become very close to them. We are in lockdown so I can't see any of them but they all live together and sometimes I feel left out but now mostly I just don't give a crap about friends. IT's not just them but anyone, I feel very disassociated with everyone and don't really want to hang out with anyone, except my Mum at home. It makes me really sad that I feel like that and since I am graduating this year socialising is very important but I just dont care. Can someone tell me if this is bad or wrong to feel so disassociated?

Thank you Fam xxx

[Snaedis]

Hi smallwolf,

As you said i have been believing getting through the day is enough and amazing for me. But the question that always appears is for how long. This getting through the day seems very sad and worse that no one understood and stood by me. Like people say I am here for you but then they are not when needed. My weekends have been okay, better than before. All the University people have went back home so I don't have any triggers i guess. I tried reconciling with the guy but he wasn't very nice and I decided to unfriend him from every social media platform. It hurts but there's a part of me that's at peace. I have been focusing on finding a job so that acted as a distraction too.

[Snaedis]

Hi the rising,

I am sorry my response somehow didn't get through so I am writing again. I can't put into words how much I appreciate your words. Thats exactly what I have been feeling and no one understands. The fact you do is very reassuring. I have been trying to completely eradicate the feeling but i realise I cannot. The feelings, emotion and hurt are gonna take a while to go away or maybe they never will, all I can do is decrease them and stop feeling sorry for myself. As you said there's no management plan hence why it feels like I keep going back and forth. But looking back I have definitely made some progress and will continue to do so.

I have realised the hardest part is when i start relapsing after getting better. I am scared of going back and feeling all that again all alone and by myself. But thats all part of grief depression.

Also, I have cut all ties with him and aim to focus on my future because he or my other friends definitely don't care my wellbeing. It's scary not knowing what future holds and if I will ever make close friends again who I can trust. As I mentioned in the comment to small wolf. It hurts and upsets me so much but it had went past my breaking point and I couldn't do it. Currently I feel okay but i know I can relapse anytime and just have bring myself back again. It's just so tiring sometimes, I empathise with people who suffer from depression and other mental disorders.

Thank you so much your messages and advices, it was like my light at the end of the tunnel. xxx

[therising]

Hi Snaedis

I think sometimes progress can feel so incredibly slow and sometimes what we experience doesn't even feel like progress, even though it is in some way. Sometimes progress can even feel depressing until we've worked through the depressing stage of a particular challenge.

With that last one, I think about my marriage. My husband and I started seeing each other more than 20 years ago. We started off as drinking buds. While I gradually progressed through my years in depression to eventually come out the other side of it, progressed out of being a drinker, progressed through the incredible challenges of raising my 2 amazing kids, as well as progressing in other ways, if there's one thing that didn't progress so extensively - it was the relationship within the marriage. While I don't believe we should necessarily set out to change a person, I do believe there's nothing wrong with bringing out the best in another. I've worked so hard to bring out the best in my husband. During times of bringing out the best in him, I've seen hints of who he truly is, which is different from who he believes he is. He has enjoyed the moments where he has found a different side to himself but then quickly returns to being the drinker and watcher of tv during free time outside of work. My 19yo daughter's advice, 'Mum, give up. He's never going to change'. To be honest, while I've been proud of bringing out the best in my husband at times, for him to enjoy, for us to enjoy, the most significant progress I've made so far is...to give up. Such progress has been depressing at times, while I face the loss of what I hoped the relationship would be, what it would become. While, for years, I appointed my husband as 'the man who would evolve with me', dis-appointing him from this role has liberated me in a number of ways. To have cared so much and to finally have let go of such an intense level of care has led me to become care free.

Perhaps it's the analysis stage of things that can feel most depressing, when we analyse the level of grief we're feeling, how things aren't working out, how we can't yet clearly see the way forward and so much more. Then there is the letting go stage, at the end of such analysis, the most painful part of all sometimes. Amongst the ashes of what was, something within us has the opportunity to come to life. A little like the phoenix. For some, what's born of the ashes is 'the sage' who begins to dictate 'You deserve so much better than that'.

🙂

[Eiffel]

No. (and congratulations on the graduation!)