Is it wrong to feel disassociated?

[Snaedis]

Hi guys,

So to make it all brief and give some back story. I am staying at home in a town and my classmates also in same town but on campus accomodation. I went into severe depression and anxiety since last year due to a guy and my friends. I decided to cut the guy off because it was just too much (like having anxiety attacks 2-3 times a day and unable to sleep and severe depression). Then due to my depression and anxiety my social interactions with my so called friends decreased and then I came to sudden realisation that they had all kinda just moved on like I wasn't there and made new friend groups. All this people are currently in the same town as me and some of them are nice but I just can't become very close to them. We are in lockdown so I can't see any of them but they all live together and sometimes I feel left out but now mostly I just don't give a crap about friends. IT's not just them but anyone, I feel very disassociated with everyone and don't really want to hang out with anyone, except my Mum at home. It makes me really sad that I feel like that and since I am graduating this year socialising is very important but I just dont care. Can someone tell me if this is bad or wrong to feel so disassociated?

Thank you Fam xxx

[Sophie_M]

Hi Snaedis,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.
 

[Snaedis]

Hi therising,

Sorry I took a while to get back to you. Your reply was very thoughtful and I needed some time to think. Just looking at things from different perspectives, I have tried that but then I feel like I am being too rigid and won't have any friends if can't deal with it. I tried making a list but then realised everyone to some degree end up on that list. Yes you are right, I am naturally sensitive, I believe its due to my childhood that I am also very emotionally vulnerable.

Sometimes I don't agree with my mum, to be honest she's very emotionally weak and naive and that's something I don't want to be. I believe I vibe with her because I don't have that fear that she's gonna leave me, no matter how bad my depression or anxiety gets, she will be there. She's got a good heart and it really angers me that that's passed down to me and I have to be like this. I feel sorry for her and want to be her support so I think thats why I like spending time with her.

Yeah from what I have heard all the people from my University are toxic. But how can everyone be toxic? Am i judging too hard or is something wrong with me. I understand if its couple or few but if its majority of them then maybe I am overthinking?? People are stressing me out generally. I hate socialising because of how it makes me feel. I feel lonely but i can't take feeling that anymore.

Thank you so much for your reply. It helped me reflect and question things I hadn't considered. xxx

[therising]

Hi Snaedis

Can relate to what you say in regard to being raised by a mum with a good heart. My mum mentioned to me just the other day how she feels disappointed when it comes to her not having woken up to certain people earlier in life, being too tolerant toward them for way too many years. She's now in her early 80's. As I said to her 'Better late than never' 🙂

I'd never given too much thought to the phrase 'Waking up to someone' until I actually started to wake up more in life, in general. I'd have to say, waking up is more about waking up to a constructive sense of wonder more than anything. Say, an example might involve a university situation where you can wonder why you don't fit it but then all of a sudden something comes to mind which can flip perspective/reality. Just say you wake up to the fact that a majority of the people you meet drink. Then you start wondering why they do. Then you start wondering why they can't live without drinking. Then it hits 'Oh, my gosh, they actually can't live without it. I wonder what's wrong that leads them to rely on alcohol, in order to get by in life'. If you're a non drinker, you may begin to wonder why you can get by without it, why you can naturally feel what they need to drink to feel. So, you could say what initially appeared as simply toxic is actually quite interesting - the observation of human nature is always interesting. Another lot which can be observed involve cliquey groups who tightly vibe together not letting anyone in, compared to those who see someone on their own and naturally bring that person into the fold.

I think just about everyone has elements of toxicity. If we're studying what's toxic in a person, we'll eventually find it. Why it exists is the question. Does an alcoholic drink to feel what they can't feel naturally? Does a people pleaser put themself last and allow themself to be walked over just so they feel loved? This behaviour can of course prove toxic when it leads to low self-esteem. A closed minded cliquey group's behaviour can be toxic for someone genuinely seeking friendship.

Sounds like you're sensitive enough to be able to read people. Developing this natural ability definitely comes with challenges. May sound a bit strange but I can easily imagine you sitting with another 'reader' as you both discuss, with accuracy, the nature of others at uni. No gossip, just comparing notes 🙂

See if you can read people's insecurities, instead of their toxic nature. See what you notice.

[Snaedis]

Hi therising,

I really find it interesting and see your point of view. I have been trying to look at things differently but it still doesn't get rid of that feeling of emptiness and loneliness. As you said I don't really like gossiping because I wouldn't want to be talked about for my actions.

What you said is something I heard in a podcast. But doesn't this mean that you keep giving someone the benefit of doubt? Of course, everyone deserves a second chance but you can't label their toxicity with insecurities? Does that mean my ex-best friend was insecure and maybe I understand why he acted like that. So, should I be reaching out to him to reconcile with him?

[therising]

Hi Snaedis

The benefit of the doubt is an interesting one. I suppose it depends on what it is we're doubting and whether there actually is some benefit to that doubt or not.

You can have a friend who behaves out of character and is suddenly abusive toward you, like they've never been before. If they're behaving out of character, this points to a possible upset in their life. You can cut them off, following the abusive outburst, or you can listen to the doubt in your mind which may be saying something like 'Don't take it personally. You know this is not like them'. You speak to them and they reveal they're going through the worst time of their life. You've both benefited from doubt.

On the other hand, you can have someone in your life who's abusive on a regular basis. In this case, there is no doubt that such abuse is depressing, such a person is depressing. You cannot doubt yourself when it comes to ending that relationship, especially if that person has no intention of changing, no matter hard hard you lead them to be conscious of their behaviour and its impact.

From my experience, mental health issues tend to make things appear less clear. While during my years in depression I questioned many times whether the people around me really loved me and cared about me, I was never able to put my doubt to rest during that time. It was only after coming out of depression that things became much clearer. The people around me did love and care about me to the best of their ability. Looking back, it amazed me how very few people in my life knew how to help manage depression in another person. What I was witnessing was their inability to love me out of depression. This takes a very specific type of love. So I stayed in it until someone with a bit of tough love hounded me endlessly to go to depression group therapy. That therapy was where things changed.

Depression can be incredibly hard for friends and family around us to manage. Some people around us can't manage it, as they don't have the skills, ability, experience or the endurance to stay. Even the most brilliant psychologist, a professional, can take years to constructively lead a person through and out of depression, largely based on the depth, intensity and pain associated with that person's challenges.

I believe there's nothing wrong with doubting/questioning a person's commitment to their relationship with us. For better or for worse does not just apply to marriage. Often, it can apply to depression.

[Snaedis]

Hi therising,

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I think this situation is more like the second one, I have given him many chances, even now I want to. Thats why I don't like how I can't hate or not like him for his actions and stuck in this loop. I have friends but I don't feel like can go to anyone when I am feeling down or sad because they just tell me to move on and feel like am never good enough. Like thats what I am trying to do but I can't seem to do so. So, I really appreciate this platform and especially you for acknowledging my feelings, it means soooo much.

Also, you might be right people around me maybe doing their best but not enough to help me out. I hope i am able to find that some tough love soon because I think 2 years has been enough and I don't know how long I can go with being depressed. Its becoming so chronic that I am scared that i am gonna be like this all my life.

Thanks again and much love xxx

[Amanda2000]

Hi Snaedis

I've been feeling the same way. I'm even feeling disconnected from my own family. My husband & 2 teenage kids are having so much fun watching tv till late every night. I feel like an outcast inside my own house. I get so annoyed by their noise and movement. I feel overwhelmed that they're always with me. I need alone-time and total silence to recharge. I hide in a room all day to get away from them.

I've been using various coping strategies to get through everyday. However I find life has become a daily endurance exercise. It's like I'm just existing rather than living.

[therising]

Hi Snaedis

It's amazing how triggering a lot of 'advice' in depression can be. I recall a lot of those triggers. As you mention 'You need to move on'. Other's can be 'You just need to get on with life. If you smiled more, things would be better. You need stop feeling sorry for yourself. You should be grateful for what you have, others have it worse' and the list goes on. I think the triggering part is...none of it involves any significant management plan and none of it offers a clearer perspective.

While depression is undoubtedly a chemical experience to some degree, with our internal chemistry behaving in literally depressing ways, I also found it to be such a soul based experience. 'You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself' becomes significant from a soulful perspective. In looking back, I wish someone had asked me 'Why are you feeling such sorrow for your self? What sense of self are you grieving over?' Not sure but perhaps the answer would have sounded a little like 'I feel sorrow/sadness for the sense of self who believed life would be easier than this, the sense of self who believed people would be kinder, more considerate, more productive in their guidance'. I think people generally don't address the grief depression as well as the many ways we can come across grief throughout our life.

With grief typically associated with the physical death of someone, not many talk about the kind of grief that can come with losing friendships, having to leave a home you love, losing a job you enjoy, finding out the marriage you're in is far from what you happily expected to be and so on. So it's like you can spend a lifetime moving in an out of grief without having been given key ways of managing all those different types of grief. Even in lockdown in Melbourne here, people have lost time and some are grieving over it, especially the elderly who don't have as much of it left.

These days, while a part of me can feel incredible sorrow at times, there's another part that dictates 'You can't stay here (in sorrow)'. I believe it's in our nature to constantly be moving forward. it's undeniably depressing to stand for too long in our sufferance, observing our self suffering in unbearable ways. The question remains, how to let go and move forward. I've found the common factor in every great challenge I've experienced involves letting go of a particular belief system within each challenge. For me, one of the toughest to let go of was 'You need to please everyone'.

[Snaedis]

Hi Amanda,

I completely empathise with you. It's like I am watching everyone enjoying and living life while I am just surviving through the days. I understand and this really sucks but hope it gets better soon. I am glad you have a loving family for the support. Sending lots of love xxx

[smallwolf]

@Amanda - what would have to change in order for day to be a little better for you?

@Snaedis - you can answer that if you want?

Elsewhere I also posted that getting through the day is enough. I understand that we (including I) would like the days to be better than they are. I wish I knew what to do to make it so.

How have your weekend(s) been going so far?

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