Is it wrong to feel disassociated?

[Snaedis]

Hi guys,

So to make it all brief and give some back story. I am staying at home in a town and my classmates also in same town but on campus accomodation. I went into severe depression and anxiety since last year due to a guy and my friends. I decided to cut the guy off because it was just too much (like having anxiety attacks 2-3 times a day and unable to sleep and severe depression). Then due to my depression and anxiety my social interactions with my so called friends decreased and then I came to sudden realisation that they had all kinda just moved on like I wasn't there and made new friend groups. All this people are currently in the same town as me and some of them are nice but I just can't become very close to them. We are in lockdown so I can't see any of them but they all live together and sometimes I feel left out but now mostly I just don't give a crap about friends. IT's not just them but anyone, I feel very disassociated with everyone and don't really want to hang out with anyone, except my Mum at home. It makes me really sad that I feel like that and since I am graduating this year socialising is very important but I just dont care. Can someone tell me if this is bad or wrong to feel so disassociated?

Thank you Fam xxx

[smallwolf]

Hi. These times produce different results for each of us. For some people I know once they were used to the lockdown, didn't want to go out when it ended. For me it was the opposite!

With your anxiety and depression ... Are you getting any support for this? Are you talking with someone from school or a professional? There are some resources on the forums here.

Do you think your loss of friends is related to your issues? Or do you have different interests and likes? And if the latter, maybe new groups are possible for interaction? Just a thought. I know this can be difficult...

What sort of things do you like to do?

[Croix]

Dear Snaedis~

I'm sorry you have been going thogh such a hard time, not just now in lockdown but in the past. I remember you talking with White Rose and others about the problems breaking up with a special freind.

Now you have reached the stage where you are physically and emotionally distanced from the group you associated with, and feel most reluctant to form new friendships as a result.

I get a very strong feeling you are a sensitive and thoughtful person and look upon relationships as serious, not a trait shared by everybody I'm afraid.

You mentioned more than once that others have said "you overthink it". I don't see it that way. I'd guess you are simply trying to understand how friendships work, and why they do not seem to last.

Being with a group at school is not really friendships -thogh sometimes they do form between individuals in the group. It is simply natural to gather together and do things together. If you are not actually present then I guess over time there will come a distance between you.

As a sensitive person the takes such matters seriously it hurts when your feelings and understanding are not returned in the same way. Be it by a group or individual.

I've found many acquaintances in my life, people who may have been daily "friends" in a workplace but when they or I leave that reduces down to be just a "season's greetings" card every year. They may be nice people but are in fact acquaintances.

Proper friendship is something else, it is deeper and lasts, and can be picked up seamlessly after gaps in time. If, like me, you are lucky, you will have maybe half a dozen in your life. The most important being your parents and a partner, if you are lucky enough to find one.

Don't get me wrong, acquaintances are a necessary and healthy part of life, and if one group falls by the wayside please seek another. It enriches you life and has the by-product of helping you cope with people. Plus it can be fun.

As Smallwolf asked, do you think you can find others who share your interests, and importantly what do you enjoy?

Croix

[Sophia16]

Hey Snardis,

Yes, it is completely normal to feel disassociated during this lockdown. It is most likely associated with your depression. Don't feel bad about that. Everyone is struggling.

Firstly, do you see somebody for your anxiety and depression? it is really important for you to do that as you don't want it to get worse than it already is.

To get you in a great mindset during this lockdown, here are a few tips:
- Focusing on the good thing

- Having faith

- Removing any negativity

- Practicing to be grateful

Also, congrats on graduating this year!

[therising]

Hi Snaedis

I feel for you so much as you face so many challenges, such as the challenges that come with COVID, relating to friends, making sense of yourself and more.

Disassociation or detachment can definitely be a tough challenge to work out or work through, that's for sure. Hindsight's wonderful, when we can look back and make perfect sense of things but when you're in the process of making sense of things, it can feel impossible to hit on a revelation.

I suppose you could try looking at things from a different perspective and see if that offers any clarity. Eg: I can't associate with anyone who stresses me or brings me down. I can't associate with people who are neglectful. I can't associate with anyone who's not sensitive. Who or what can you no longer tolerate? There's nothing quite like forming a list of what you can't tolerate, to lead you to realise why you're happiest with only 1 or 2 particular people in your life.

Regarding detaching from insensitive people, would you say you're a naturally sensitive person perhaps even looking to develop your sensitivities? Say you're sensitive to 'feeling deeply for others', connecting with people who share this ability is what may have you grow it and master it. Kind of like finding your tribe who raises you to further developing your natural self. Maybe there's a part of you that's completely done when it comes to vibing with people who are insensitive.

Do you know why you're happy vibing with your mum? Is she similar to you? Can you relate really well to her? Is she a part of your tribe? I imagine there's a reason behind why associating with her is not a problem. Does she naturally lift your spirits and/or raise you to acknowledge the best in yourself? Is she like some brilliant sage? Some parents can have the opposite effect, still keeping us close to home though through the fear they've instilled in us in some way. How would you describe your mum? Is she a bit of a legend?

Personally, it used to drive me crazy, trying to figure out why I'd suddenly become so detached from people. So often I'd ask myself 'What's wrong with me?'. I've come to realise a variety of reasons

• Some folk can be toxic
• People, collectively, can become stressful
• Sometimes, without realising, I can detach into a period of reflection/questioning when it comes to what I really need to let go of
• I tend to gravitate toward one person, neglecting the rest, when there's a (sometimes unrecognised) need to learn something from that person

[Snaedis]

Hi Smallwolf,

I am kind of an introvert so I like staying home or maybe thats something I have made myself believe so I have a legit reason not to hang out with other people. It's related to losing him and then I lost everyone else around me because of my mental health. Those people will reply if I message but wont message me first, its been 10 weeks since i stopped messaging and I haven't heard any words. I used to see a therapist but I just feel like a lost cause and its all just pointless so I haven't seen her for a while now.

Thanks for your thoughts. We had similar likes. We used to play tennis everyday but then I stopped getting invited after that found the new group and that hurt like hell. I like hiking, working out, playing tennis and sports and doing nothing sometimes.

xx

[Snaedis]

Hi Croix,

I feel so glad that you actually remember my previous post. Yes it's all very connected. Yes I have tried to connect with them but I don't want to be always the one initiating things, I feel like an annoyance.

You're very correct I am very sensitive and take my relationships and friendships very seriously. I have been told that's a great trait to have but it doesnt feel like it. Yes I have been trying to understand what you said, but i can't wrap my head around that we had been really close for past 4 years and I feel so easily forgotten and pushed aside.

Everyone says you make lifelong friendships at uni and I keep thinking I will never have a chance to form great friendships after i graduate in 2 months.

To be honest I feel a little awkward with seeking out groups personally and I want to but I am just too scared to experience the same pain because I dont want to relapse again. As I mentioned above I love going for walk and working out and playing tennis.

I forgot to mention above but have tried going out for walk with my work colleague and in the moment it is great but after I just feel down for no reason and I feel so guilty about it and hate myself.

Thank you so much for your reply. It gives me a little hope maybe there's someone out there for me as a friend or partner.

[Snaedis]

Hi Sophia,

Thank you for your reply. I have been seeing a therapist since last year but I haven't for a while because as I said above I feel like I am a lost cause and won't ever get better. I have seen improvements but sometimes it feel like there's no hope and that the therapy doesnt help. I just didn't know if this disassociation is normal or if I have just become emotionally numb and shut myself off to new friendships and relationships. Yes I might consider starting to see her again. Thank you for the tips, I will definitely try to imply them. Thank youu

[Croix]

Dear Snaedis~

I'm afraid for every gift there may be a price, you are sensitive, thoughtful and a loving person. When others are not the same it pains you, however when you find the right person you, like I, will know the previous heart-ache is worth it.

Sensitive people can find groups hard, and are often better with one to one encounters, I know I am.

I would suggest you give therapy another try, and be honest, if it does not feel like it is going anywhere don't put up with it, explain it is noneffective. You are worth effective treatment, you are in charge.

4 years together then nothing, yes that is hard. I would think you are more mature and have found out a lot about yourself, your ex-friend was still at an earlier stage, still discovering themself. That's hard on other people, such as yourself.

Why not wait and see about the person from work, they may become a friend. Maybe you feel guilty becuse you think you have nothing to offer and it will fail. That's nonsense, but hard to shrug off.

Plus the saying you find you friends at uni is not really that accurate, a friendship can start anywhere, any-when.

I hope we talk somemore

Croix

[Snaedis]

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for your reply. It made me genuinely smile, which I really needed today. MY depression and anxiety appear to be relapsing badly this week so I might see someone. Sometimes I feel like I got this and I am strong but then like today I just feel weak and don't see a point in living. Currently, I am back at clinic and see him everyday. It hurts so much to just see him happy and getting along with everyone. I do get along with others but it feels like i am an outsider for some reason. I can't think of anyone to rely on except my ex-friend and I have this strong urge to reach out to him. Hoping that if I go to him everything will be okay and I will be okay. I don't know if that's good.

Yes I agree I prefer one on one but I don't mind group as long as I am close to them. I really want to believe and hope that I will make genuine friends in the future but it's hard to currently xx

Thanks