Intrusive thoughts

[Elizabeth90]

Hi there, I, like many of you on this site, suffer from the dreaded intrusive thoughts brought about by OCD. I am in my mid-twenties and only since the last year, I have experienced the onset of intrusive thoughts. As a kid, I can recall checking things constantly but then for most of my teenage years, experienced nothing and then, up until my new job (which I love), I started to analyse in my head over and over, these horrible intrusive thoughts about my loved ones and general 'strange' thoughts of things around me. I will keep this brief. At first, it was debilitating; I had panic attacks, I lost my appetite and I avoided certain environments that I used to enjoy. The physical affects were as bad as the psychological ones and at that point, I saw no way out. I began meditation, reading up on the condition and educating myself of the facts. What started to ease my anxiety was to discover that I wasn't alone and that intrusive thoughts are thoughts, not actions. It was the shame and guilt I felt over those thoughts, I would ask myself, 'what if they happened?', or 'am I a bad person?' but what I came to realise and read up on is to let them be just thoughts. Everyone has strange thoughts but from my understanding, people with intrusive thoughts get them 'stuck' in their mind through repetition and worry. Another comforting thing that I read which I hope helps all of you out there too is that no, you aren't crazy or a potential 'serial killer' because the fact that you feel so guilty and sick over the thought means you are a good person who would never carry out the horrible thoughts in your head. I will admit, I am not 'cured' and mine does come in bouts where I go for days, even weeks where I think, 'finally, it's gone' but then unexpectedly, it can return. Luckily for me, and not involving any medication, what really helped me overcome the worst part of my intrusive thoughts was opening up to my partner. Trust me, I was so worried about doing this at first, especially because some of the horrible thoughts involved them and I was so worried about losing them that I battled for months but I recently opened up and I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding partner as well as pleasing outcome. I won't lie to you or to myself, they aren't completely gone and as I said, they can return in 'bouts' but the important thing to remember is that they are only thoughts. Everyone has weird thoughts...and I mean EVERYONE. You will get through this. 

[AnxiousOCD]

I agree that a mixture is good! I love how supportive he is and I know I'm only in this sad head space because he is away for the next 2 months and I miss him so much! 

I just spoke to him before and he listened and understood and together we talked about why I was having these thoughts and that I should learn to trust my first instinct and not doubt myself. I feel better being able to tell him about what I think and why I think it, I guess if I'm not scared to share it then I don't really need to fear it. 

It's really helpful to know other people go through this, I really appreciate your help chicken wings.

[Chicken_Wings]

Thats wonderful Anxious, you guys sound like you have it together. Good communication is so important.

Make sure you remember these things when you are in your most anxious state. 
I've found this forum is so helpful for not feeling like you're doing this alone. 

[AnxiousOCD]

Hello everyone, 

It's me again! I just wonder if you ever question why our brain does this to us? I always thought it was my brains way of trying to tell me something but as far as I can see these thoughts have done nothing positive for me, they make me doubt myself and tear me down. Why would our own brain want to tear us down? It must be amazing for those that don't have to experience intrusive thoughts. 

[Chicken_Wings]

this is an interesting question I think Anxious!

I've had it said to me that everyone has intrusive thoughts of some kind, but those with different forms of anxiety just have worse thoughts and tend to dwell on them and catastrophise them.

Like if you catch up with a friend who has had a baby and they ask if you want to hold the baby. Its not weird for people to suddenly imagine themselves holding the baby and dropping it. The difference is that most people can disregard that thought knowing they won't drop the baby. The thought passes and life continues.

However, someone with anxiety might avoid holding the child and believe quite strongly that they will drop them. They might then think about that at other times, worrying about holding any baby, ever. 

[AnxiousOCD]

You are right! I guess everyone's brains work in different ways. I think OCD/anxiety is something I've always had even as a kid, I was always too scared to go to this other school we had to go to once a week for cooking class etc, my fear was the social environment and also having to catch a different school bus home and I always thought the driver would forget to drop me off (it probably happened once so I continued to fear it). I also hated cross country and athletics days and I would always try to get out of them somehow. 

My current fears around having cheated on my boyfriend stem from the fact that I did cheat on him in the beginning and I wasn't completely honest about it. Now that I am a better person I fear that situation happening again so much that I over analyse past events to figure out if I've done something wrong or lied, but in obsessing over the past I end up believing that I have done something wrong and that I'm a bad person when I didn't think it originally. My boyfriend knows all of this and is understanding. I just need to find a way to get over it? 

[AnxiousOCD]

I think I struggle with letting go of things because I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I think that the anxiety keeps me safe in a way? And that if I let go of my anxiety I will turn into some crazy person with no morals? 

[Chicken_Wings]

Letting go is the hardest part.

Are you working with anyone to help you work through why you feel the way you feel?
I was going to a psychologist for a while who was really helpful in getting me to challenge some of the thoughts I was having.

[AnxiousOCD]

Yep I was seeing a psychologist and it was helpful and I know what I need to do to get through this. Since I have moved though I haven't been able to see that same psychologist and so I tried going to another psychologist but she wasn't very helpful, she didn't really get me and she tried to tell me things that went against what my previous psychologist had taught me. I have the option to do phone sessions with my old psychologist so I may take that up if I need the extra support. 

[Captain_f]

Hey Elizabeth! Thanks for sharing your story. My intrusive thoughts are uncannily similar! I too walk around thinking that I'm capable of doing the most awfullest things to my loved ones. It is debilitating and it just consumes me 24/7. Not long a go, I was hospitalised for an anxiety attack I had at work which cost me my apprenticeship. For as long as I can remember I've always overthought everything to the point where I convince myself of the stupidest things that aren't going to happen by my mind still obsesses over them. As a 13 year old boy, I convince myself that I had cancer and I was going to die, as an 18 year old I convince myself that I was gay which I'm not, now it is thoughts about hurting the people that I love. I have the most beautiful girlfriend who cares about me a lot. I have too opened up to her and she has been nothing more than great help to me. I say to my girlfriend all the time, I wish there was such thing as fairy dust so this can all go away! I wish I can enjoy my time with my girlfriend, mates and family without fearing that I'm going to hurt someone. 

[Elizabeth90]

Hi captain f, thanks for opening up about your intrusive thoughts, I know how scary it can be to open up but it's such a great feeling knowing you aren't alone and that the people around you understand. I still have by odd thoughts here and there, sometimes I can ignore them whilst other times I panic but the good thing to know and I always tell myself if that the only way is up from this current point, no matter how bad things may seem, they won't be as bad as they did the very first time you had an anxiety attack or intrusive thought because you have since grown and come to understand things much more clearly. All the best and God bless 🙂