Increasing anxiety over relationship struggling...

[Beltane]

Not sure if this should be in the anxiety or relationships forum but here goes...

lI've been with my partner now for almost 18 months and we,Ve been through a  lot together- hes been here for me through my battles with bipolar, depression, anxiety. I was unemployed for many months and he supported us financially. Now I'm back on my feet, have a job and well...

we've been having problems for many months now and at first I thought it was the stress of me being sick and unemployed. Then I thought he was depressed, though he vehemently denies it and shows no real symptoms other than disinterest in anything, now I dont know what to think.

i guess I'm a bit of a hippy, I love Tiny Houses an want to build one in the country and be environmentally friendly. I love nature, I'm very much a person who's just full of enegy, even after a day of work, and just want to enjoy the world and all it has to offer. 

I love music and am always learning new instruments, I sew lovely things like quilts, I dance, I sing. I talk constantly of living I the tiny home, and because tiny homes are cheap to buy and upkeep, it'll give me lots of free money to travel the world. Id happily live life without tv and I only facebook because I.m lonely. I want my life to be filled with nature, music, love, and enjoying life.

he on the other hand seems to only work a nd then go to the gym and watch movies, he doesn't like nature or music, he doesn't shar my values of living life to its fullest, he wants a normal home with a mortgage. The thought of living the life we live now forever feels me with deep fear. I'm 27 and we're starting to talk about marriage....

I've had numerous talks with him asking for change over the past few months, which he promises, and he might try a little but soon resorts to old ways. Tonight I broke down Como,erect and said "we're in trouble". He promised me we'd spend tonight cuddling and discussing our future, finding compromises and solutions to our differences.

then he got on Facebook and watched a movie, despite my reminder of his promise. i cried alone.

i don't think I can save this relationship, I'm not even sure I want to!

yet the thought of leaving him causes HUGE anxiety, terrible nightmares. I've put my bipolar meds dose up twice with doctors OK, and yet my bipolar moods and anxiety are going NUTS. I have a brand new job after a long time unemployed, I can NOT afford this kind of stress right now, I can NOT afford my illness to flare either!! Help!

[HA1]

Hello Beltane,

I am so sad for you to hear that your relationship with your partner has got to this stage.  First and foremost, as Mrs Dools has said, please look after yourself.  Everyone here cares for you very much and understand that you have gone through a combination of very testing and stressful issues - including the stresses of commencing a new job.  Also, relationships can be difficult in situations when mental illness is involved.  Many of us can attest to that.

I should be the last one to offer you this counsel, but I will anyway. Find a calm place to distill your thoughts and to process your options.  Acting on your feelings and emotions when you are very low, can lead to wrong decisions being made.  It is important therefore, that you think about the relationship when you feel at your calmest (maybe you have already, I don't know).  My partner shares many of the traits of yours, but I think it is a means for them to find an escape.  It can’t be easy living with people like me, so deep down I don’t really blame her.  So like you, we have lived some testing moments.

Things boiled over in the last week, with a separate trigger event causing me to 'take a break' from the relationship. Right now I feel pretty awful that it has come to this and particularly so suddenly. Sure it was something that had been (amicably) brewing for while, but it is never nice when it actually happens in a knee jerk reaction way such as with me.  Especially when no one is ready for it to happen.  Maybe it means that I will now need to accelerate my plans for the future because I am not sure what the future holds for us (and I need somewhere to live).

So I think I understand your situation, your dreams, and your frustration.  My suggestion is, do not allow your emotions get in the way of a well considered decision, and when you have made that decision plan your move carefully and deliberately.  Avoid ill confrontation - it achieves very little I think.  You can still achieve your dream, with or without your partner.

I will now need to move on with my life and my dreams.  I hope you can too, but do so when you are in a good headspace.  

Thankfully, while quite confused at the moment with a million issues running through my head, I will be OK. I feel quite strong.

I am sorry if I have said anything to offend. Like the others, I am here to talk if you need support.

Take very good care of yourself

K 

[Beltane]

Thanks for the replies all, and thank you especially to Hideaway who had to repost this as it got lost in cyberspace.

I've been meditating and getting int touch with my nature spirituality, taking some walks out in nature wher so feel a deep calmness and connection. So him very much in a spiritual phase of my life, which of course my partner doesn't join.

for now I feel much calmer. I have made no decisions about the relationshup. 

i am now the leader of a meetup group of likeminded wormen in my area and haven oreads made a few close friends. So alone and with my friends I've decided to go out and "spread my wings" as dear Tony suggested. 

All through my life I've been trapped by anxiety, now that the anxiety is much less, I am far more free and able to go out and enjoy new activities without the anxiety keeping me trapped at home. So I've planned lots of fun things for my meetup geoup to do. I'm embracing my spirituality, I'm practicing my beloved musical instruments and pouring my emotions into them.

ive reached a calm acceptance of "what will be will be". I am going to go and live my life, even if he stays home on the couch, 

pas my father said to me, if I do this andr use enjoy my life the way I want, one of two paths will be taken, 

either he will "wake up" or battle his depression or whatever it is that is holding him back, and he will start living life too, and we might live that life together. 

or my path will start to go in such a different direction to his that it will become extremely clear to both so us (or at least me) that we are no longer walking together.

with my two new friendships and my new meetup group I am feeling stronger to accept whichever path, even if it is the path of the unknown that scares me- the one I fear will end our relatiosnhip and cause me heartbreak.

i have not given up yet but I have started to divert some of my energy to simply living my life. I will continue trying to connect him but have accepted that he needs to connect too.

what will be will be, and in e meantime I have new friends, new hobbies, new activities, spirituality and you dear wonderful peopl,e here at beyond blue to keep me going. Also obviously psychologists and selectors to monitor my mental health.

thankyou all so much 

[HA1]

Thanks Beltane

I am very glad that you now feel calmer.  

Live your dream,

K

[Neil_1]

Hi there Beltane

I could have sworn that I wrote you yesterday, but alas, I canny see my response to thee.

I was just wishing to chip in and say how proud you should be of yourself.  You’ve been in some tough and stressful times recently but yet you seem to have beaten all those things down and have come up with a new wave of positivity, that has really shone out – particularly in your latest post.

I hope that everything works out in the end how you’d like it too and that you continue to work on all the positives in your life and perhaps even create a few more.  🙂

Cheers

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Beltane

Wow, what a lot of great replies. I am also a devout atheist with a spirituality that I'm constantly exploring and enjoying every moment of it. My wife is a Christian and never talks about her beliefs but we do share this spiritual base. And there is the secret to our success living together, mutual admiration and respect for the others beliefs.

I'm afraid I feel negative about your relationship's future. I wrote a while ago, to articles here on stubbornness. - Does stubbornness have a place....and Is there room for stubbornness.  It tackles this denial issue.

Denial is not dissimilar to leaving a train wreck behind you as you go about your daily tasks.This essentially is a selfish mentality. Love and selfishness dont mix IMO - its one way.

We only have one life. There comes a time in a dysfunctional relationship when you have to find the courage to leave. I've done it twice. The first time came one week following my plan to end it all. There were kids in the marriage to which made it harder. The second time my partner of 10 years wasnt a good step mother which made it easier. However on both occasions once I'd finished moving into my new caravan or rented house I broke down heavily for a few hours. Then my new life began. And at the point when I recovered from my tears and hurt....I knew I did the right thing.

We are indeed here for you Beltane. Everyone of us would jump at the chance to open our hands to allow that butterfly to land.....

[white knight]

Beltane,

What I should have included in the above post is- that is if your partner remains on the same track as he is and has been.

People are all different. He might just come around one day to realise his issues and change.

Tony  WK

[Beltane]

I'd be lying if I said I'm coping perfectly but I always remember my mantra "this too shall pass". This stressful and sad period will resolve itself, one way or the other. In the meantime I know what to do to keep myself well and the warning signs to watch out for.

Im feeling very cared for and honoured by all your thoughtful replies, it's why I love this community and why I'm such a regular visitor, I like it here.

i must say I swing; from calm acceptance "what will be, will be" to totsl agonising panic and anxiety that distract me from my days work at my new job and have me messaging him to get him to reassure me that everything is ok.

isnt that just the strangest irony, that I need him to reassure me we'll be ok and stay together and be happy, when its really me who's got the issues. How odd.

i guess I have massive security issues, I've never had a particular stable home,particularly as an adult. Neuther of my parents are particularly reliable- they can be and other times they totally make it worse. 

And yet my dad has offered me a home, if need one, and even offered to help me get set up in my own home if it comes to that.

its really hard. I have this quilt wall hanging I sewd full of photos of our first year of out relationshop (we're just under the 18 month mark now) and its full of so many happy memories. He's been my best and most loyal friend, at times being the only person who stood true and remained a staunch ally when others were unreliable or downright dysfunctional. 

To consider losing such a loyal ally and friend is indeed a terrifying prospect, for someone like me who's never felt much security- if I had to sum him up in one word it would be "safety". As long as I'm with him I'm safe. The world can't hurt me as he is by my side.

now that's a very powerful and wonderful thing. Few would have stood by me when I was an unmedicated bipolar anxiety nightmare. He did. 

and yet I have the same negative feeling Tony does. We are very very different people. As my dad said, this may have worked when is ss me anxious homebody- we were both homebodies. But now my anxiety is gone I feel bery much in a "growth" phase of my life, really exploring who I am and what I want.its really hard do be in that phase when your partner is very much not. the reality is, I may grow away from him. Or he may start growing and his growth works with mine, I do not know.

so I flip from acceptance to utter panic multiple times a day,

[Beltane]

OhKay! Unexpected turn of events!

long story short I suggested couples counselling as "we're not ok". Instead of saying something vague he said "no, we're not ok".

this led to a massive conversation to I suppose sounds very much like a breakup convo, but didn't go that way.

we basically got real nitty gritty and turns out he's been acting so distant and deoressed cos while he loves me dearly, he's been deiressed thinking we're gonna break up cos he feels he can't follow his dreams with me. 

Sound familiar?

anywho it was a conversation full of tears and laughter. Where we admitted we were starting to resent each other. He wants to be an athlete and wants to train like hardcore 5 days a week. He's been holding back and forcing himself to stay home to spend time with me, which makes him resent me as his dream is to be this elite athlete.

and of course I resent him because, although I quite like Crossfit, I really only want to go one or two days a week, really I want to focus on dancing, music, etc etc.

We admitted to each other that we were each deeply distressed as we DO love each other but feel we can't be ourselves as the other person isn't happy. We knew of we kept going on this path we'd whd up hating each other and have an ugly friend.

SO. No we didn't break up. We decided we loved eath other so much we'd try something different. He's going to do his elite athlete training 5 days a week. I'm going to only gi to Crossfit casually so I can focus my time abd money on my music- lessons, joining bands etc. Friday nights and Sunday's will be Date Days. We're going to come up with a list of activities to do on those days that we both enjoy, and put money aside for such activities. Also we're going to tahe a weekend off occasionally to go camping.

to keep our lives connected we will talk more about all our fun activities of the day; I'll come to see him/ join him doing Crossfit competitions on occasions, while he'll listen to me play either at home or with my bands I join.

We don't know if it'll work. What we do know is that we love each other dearly and just want each other to be happy (and we know each other has been miserable). So we've given each other permission to follow our own dreams while staying together. 

It was a wonderful night, full of tears and joy, and we feel very relieved we've finally been honest and have been heard. We feel like we've refound our love for each other 🙂

I'm feeling hopeful!

[HA1]

Wonderful news Beltane!

Now you can move forward together - very pleased.

K

[HelenM]

That's really good to hear Beltane. I can imagine it must have been a very emotional and exciting time for you both.

Helen x