I’m useless, Mind is scattered

[LostAbusedSoul]

I believe I am mentally fucked up and there is nothing that can fix it, as much as I want to fix it I don’t think I can, society has taught me from a very young age that no one can be trusted not even family, but I would like to be loved and show love but my anxiety gets in my way as I don’t know what reaction I will get because I have trusted people in the past, pushed myself beyond the fear just to be mentally scarred and rejected, I am going on 35 years old, I can’t work as I trusted a so called supervisor to do the right thing which has left me with a irritated shoulder that causes pain, I have social anxiety, I fear the worse will always happen, I am broke, the chemist has somehow messed up on my medication refills and says I got them on a day, that I know 100 percent that I didn’t and now I have to wait a few weeks before I can get them, so I am in what they say withdrawals at no fault of mine, I am shaky, tired but not sleeping much, I get agitated quickly, I have these weird feeling inside my head kinda feels like a dull sensation and there’s a voice in there also telling me to kill myself as there is nothing in life for me, I can’t be fixed, I’m a hopeless matter, I want to die, I can’t be fixed people have tortured my mind and I’m broken 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

What I'm happy about is that you've reached out here, an important step towards hope to community champions like myself that has lived experience in exactly the same way as you have now. There is hope and I've finger crossed we can guide you.

Briefly- at 40yo I was separated and broke, I was depressed with a suicide attempt days before separation. I stayed in a caravan park and walked lots until one day I saw a block of land for sale. 1st lesson for me- distraction from my marriage and 2 little kids. So purchased it all on credit. My settlement was my shed I'd built so it was erected on the land. Built my own house. Frankly I was too exhausted to thinking about/grieve for my kids although I had them for dinners at take away. 2nd lesson- a direction, a vision and a full schedule. My ex wife remarried and her new husband stopped me once and asked what he could do with his new wife as she was lazy and played mind games. My advise- separate. 3rd lesson- build up your confidence and be realistic. I too was trusting, I respected everyone. 4th lesson- Trusting people are often taken advantage of. This is more of a reflection of your honesty and quality as a human being.

So, the best strategy is to place boundaries into your life with people. At that boundary have a in/out method whereby you discard anyone that breaches your trust, make it hard for them to re-enter. Treat them as acquaintances. In an inner circle allow only special individuals that give as much as they take but be prepared to reject them like the others. You might end up with 2 very best friends eventually but they will be special.

Due to mania I've had 95 jobs and 15 professions. I ended up with only one friend from all those people. At 70yo I'm happily retired and financially comfortable through hard grit and work, up to 3 jobs at a time including shift work. But here I am and for you its important that you have short term goals, medium and long term. The long term will be fulfilled when you completed the short and medium.

Short term- be selfish, think only about yourself. If someone wants you help give it a little bit only to keep them at arms length.  I needed help recently and asked a close friend, he hummed and was so non committal that I told him not to come, he was relegated to an acquaintance immediately. It was to help me unload a motorcycle 380kg, a 5 minutes job. I soon realised he takes advantage of others but doesnt like helping others.

Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. It's society, the company you keep and your pure mind. To survive like others you have to be crafty, cunning and selfish. By all means try to be (to survive easier)but never lose that inner self that makes you wonderful.

I'm here daily, reply if you desire to chat further.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi LostAbusedSoul

I'm so glad you've met with white knight who has offered such sage advice through personal experience. Given the incredible overwhelming challenges you're facing, I think sometimes it's so important to meet with people who can relate to the hard lessons learned throughout life and how brutal the learning process can be. 

When it comes to the so called 'School of hard knocks', the question can easily become 'When do I get school holidays?'. Where's the break from what can feel like constant hard work? Where's the break from learning people can't be trusted? Where's the break from not feeling loved? Where's the break from unreliable people or those who challenge us to have to step up our game and fix issues they need to take responsibility for? Hell, the list can go on and on when it comes to all the school subjects/issues that push us to learn something. And then there are the exams, where we're forced to examine what we've learned so far. How well have we learned to be discerning, when it comes to who can be trusted and who can't? How well have we learned to step up when others don't etc etc? I've found some of the toughest moments have involved the feeling of 'You haven't learned well enough. This challenge and you're inability to master it proves you need more lessons before your ability to cruise through can be examined or tested'. Personally, I think of a family member who I know is on the verge of testing me again. As a 55yo gal, I still haven't mastered not feeling their nature run through my nervous system at times. I still struggle to stand my ground with them at times before caving. You'd think I'm old enough to know better. Even as I write this I can feel my heart racing with the thought of our next meeting. What am I not learning? This last question leads me to the challenges of inner dialogue...

In my experience with depression, I can relate to how the inner dialogue works. The deeper you go, the darker it gets. At rock bottom it's at its darkest, something that led me to hospital when in my 20s. When people speak about 'the light at the end of the tunnel', I more so tend to see it as the light at the top of the tunnel or deep well (a depression). At rock bottom there's not even a pin prick of light. It's as though it's just completely gone. And any 'voice', such as the voice of reason, the voice of intuition, the voice of logic or guidance etc becomes pretty much inaudible. All that seems to be left is the inner dialogue or the 'voices' that are determined to take us out. To say the inner dialogue gets bad is an understatement. It can become unbearable, heartbreaking and soul destroying. My heart goes out to you while you find yourself in this place, a place that feels like hell on earth. In the dark, where you find yourself, something told you to come here to the forums and I'm so glad you listened and invited anyone who is willing to come and sit with you in the dark while you desperately long to raise yourself out of the depression you find yourself in. The more people with you the better. Btw, even in the darkest parts of depression, the voice of intuition can be developed. Not easy, to say the lest, but definitely still do-able. When it comes to that family member who I mentioned, intuition dictates 'You have not yet mastered emotional detachment, which explains why you can still feel that person getting into your nervous system'. I smile when seeing myself saying to them 'I can feel what you're doing to me. STOP IT RIGHT NOW or this conversation is over'. Whatever it is that speaks to me (whether it's the comedian in me or whatever), it also proposes lighthearted humor when speaking with that family member: 'You know how you're really good at shutting people down, you need to teach me how to do that because I suddenly feel the need to develop that ability'😁. Light hearted humour proves not all the 'voices' are dark.

[melodica]

Hi, and welcome to the forums.
I have been in that place where it feels like something inside you has been permanently damaged by other people’s actions. Your nervous system has probably learnt that connection equals danger and is a human response to being hurt repeatedly.
For a long time, I believed I was broken beyond repair as well. I thought the anxiety and hypervigilance meant there was something deeply flawed within me. What I eventually learned is that nothing was “wrong” with me, and my system had adapted to survive environments where I was not safe. Those adaptations can feel unbearable, but they are not proof that you are unfixable.
What you are describing right now also sounds like a combination of trauma and medication withdrawal. Some of the effects of medication withdrawal can include agitation, intrusive thoughts, body sensations, exhaustion, and suicidal ideation that feels frighteningly convincing. They are not you, and they are not permanent.
Being unable to work, being injured by someone you trusted, struggling financially, and then having medication disrupted would overwhelm anyone. None of that means your life has no value. It sounds like you have been carrying far too much without enough support.
The voice telling you to kill yourself is not evidence that you should die. your system, however, is in extreme distress and needs care right now.
If you feel you can't handle your thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out to someone immediately:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
If calling feels impossible, both services offer online chat.
You do not have to explain everything perfectly. For example, you can say, “I am not safe right now, and I need help.”
I am not writing this as someone who has it all together. I believed there was no future for me either, and later discovered that healing is an ongoing process. through ongoing weekly therapy, I have learnt to trust again to have my story witnessed and allow safety to happen. I know that with the right support, you too can experience healing. it may seem tough right now, and I hope you can find support and keep posting here.