I Can't Make Decisions

[Indecisive_Butterfly]

I can't make decisions. I have severe anxiety coupled with OCD and it is pretty much impossible for me to make decisions on my own (if at all). So my current problem: I am a teacher who has been offered two very different jobs. This term I have been doing casual/substitute teacher work with 2 days a week on a special education class (whom I adore). I have been offered this part-time gig for next term but it cannot be guaranteed past then. I also applied for a full-time position as a Year 5/6 teacher at another school. I applied thinking I probably wouldn't get it and was shocked when they called me in for an interview and offered it to me on the spot. What's worse is I said yes to both jobs and I feel terrible (I have a very hard time saying no).
The full-time position would be a dream for most people. Most of the units are already planned, I would be working together with other year 5/6 teachers who understand that I am a fairly new teacher and they have said they will support me. I could learn a lot from them. But I am scared of meeting new people and being in a new place. I had a full-time position in a school last year and I cried every weekend, my stress-levels were through the roof and I developed depression. I also made everyone I love miserable. In saying that, I had no support last year, so this might be different. If I take it I also worry that I'll miss my kids in my special ed class. I love my class and I love special ed, but it's less days (meaning less pay) and only guaranteed for another term.
I have asked everyone around me what I should do and when their answers differed (which they obviously would) I became more confused. It now doesn't matter what they tell me to do because I have overthought every possible benefit and risk to the point where I'm just going in circles. I am crying all the time, and feel like I'm going mad. This agonizing cycle feels like it will never end (and even when it does, there's another horrible decision lurking around the corner). Often, if possible, I end up leaving decisions so long that the choice is made for me by time or by someone else, but it's not possible this time. I have lessons to plan for next week but I am so paralyzed by stress and fear that nothing is getting done.
I can't tell what's real anymore and what is just anxiety. I fear that I won't be able to choose and mess the schools around and ruin everything. I'm also scared that I will be like this forever and that maybe there's no help for me.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to our caring BB community IB;

Oh I do know this dilemma really well I can assure you. Anxiety has a way of creeping into each and every decision, sometimes with intensity. I totally understand ok. Having a brain like mashed potato can challenge the best of us, so asking for help is a great way to fend off fear.

As I don't have a lot of time, I'll get right into it. What I see as an onlooker, are options that could work big time in your favour. It's your method of analysing that needs work; it's based on 'ifs' and 'maybe's' instead of using tenacity.

If this was me, I'd take a leave of absence for a while, (maybe 6 weeks or longer if possible?) and trial the full-time job while still retaining your contract with special ed. This way you get to choose which one you prefer from an experiential perspective.

And don't forget that with a full-time position, there may be opportunities down the track that could see you developing your own special ed programs ok; foresight!

Personally, I find govt jobs fraught with stressful situations/people that challenge anxiety to the hilt, but please don't let this sway you ok. Keeping both positions open puts the power in your hands, not theirs.

I hope I've helped; I'd loved to have said more, but I have commitments to attend to. Please consider this option and get back to let me know how it goes. Hopefully I'll have more time to chat and shoot the breeze.

Sincere kind thoughts;

Sez

PS...just to be clear, I'm only offering my opinion and not telling you what to do. The final decision's yours.. S

[Croix]

Dear Indecisive Butterfly~

It's a horrible position to be in, and that applies to the anxiety and OCD too.

There are obviously pluses and minuses for both positions, and by now you will not doubt know them all by heart. I'd assume you have talked with everyone possible and sorted out all their views. Short term doing a less stressful job you like and know versus a long term job with more stress in fresh fields.

One thing to say before going any further is that if the options are so close then choosing one will probably have no worse consequences than choosing the other - a fancy way of saying maybe nothing to lose. Life will go on anyway and you will have problems to face whatever you do, and you will no doubt deal with them.

If logic cannot help what's left? Humans, unlike machines, have to make decisions without knowing all the facts or consequences. It's something we do. Does not make it easy.

I was in a situation when I first was invalided out of my occupation and had to decide what to do. I have no idea, and any decision I made would have life-altering effects. With the encouragement of my partner I opened a book and chose with my eyes closed using a pin.

While I was not exactly delighted with the choice I stuck with it and it worked. Opened up new avenues and it is safe to say my life took a different path and I've always benefited from that decision.

So what am I saying? It might sound as if I'm not treating your problem seriously, I am, but you are stuck. I realize the effect such a decision can make on your life. Flip a coin once and stick with the result. Then put your efforts into trying to make that alternative work the best it possibly can.

Just after you have flipped that coin is the worst time when all the doubts and reservations well up. It gets easier as you become engrossed in that new prospect. It will most probably feel a lot better than you feel now.

Do you mind if I ask if your get medical support for your anxiety and OCD? In my own case I never improved until I did.

Please talk here as much as you would like, I'm sure others will have different views to mine

Croix

[Indecisive_Butterfly]

Hi Sara,
Thank you so much for replying to me! It's so reassuring to know that I am not the only one like this. Sadly, I don't really have the option of trialing the job before I take it, I'd have to sign a contract. I am still sick with worry sadly. I'm just so stuck. I have wasted all my time worrying, my work I needed done for the week is still unfinished because I'm paralysed by fear.

[Indecisive_Butterfly]

Hi Croix,
Thank you so much for replying! I feel a lot less alone after reading your post and I did try the coin-flip idea! Sadly, my overthinking brain just wouldn't stick to it. I've been having panic attacks all day and I still don't know how I'm going to figure this out by tomorrow.

To answer your question about medical support, I have been seeing a psychologist but they only seems able to fit me in once every 2 or so weeks and I'm not sure they're helping much anyway. They tell me meditate and to identify when I'm having OCD or anxiety driven thoughts and to pull back when I'm having them, but sadly, identifying these thoughts does not help me to control them.

[Indecisive_Butterfly]

So general update, I am meant to be going to do a day with the full-time position school tomorrow but I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! They're meant to give me keys tomorrow and I'm scared that tomorrow will be the day they ask me to sign a contract.
I have driven myself and everyone around me insane and I still have no idea. I asked my parents but they have conflicting opinions and in the end tell me to do what I think is best, but I don't know what's best for me.
I worry that I'll miss my kids in my current class and that they'll miss me, but I only have one guaranteed term left with them. Still, it feels selfish to leave. In saying that, I am notoriously bad with the "ending" of things and worry that I'll miss an opportunity because of my anxiety caused fear.
I generally want whatever decision I make to "feel right" but at the moment nothing feels right. Everything feels unreal. I can't believe I have gotten myself into this mess.
I don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling but scared and very alone. I have people, but I know deep down they still don't understand what it's like.
I know that if I don't decide, I'll end up in the full-time position because they already think I'm committed (and the part-time will understand passing up their offer for full-time work), but do I want the full-time job or am I just too scared to tell them I've reconsidered? I feel so weak in my identity because I don't even know what I want in life anymore.

[Kris92]

Hi!
I'm also a teacher too, and love working in special ed as well! that's a big coincidence 🙂 my advice is to ease into things. Try your hardest not to even pressure yourself in making a decision. The most important thing isn't to make a decision about your career, but to make sure you're feeling ok. Teaching can be so stressful. People underestimate that. It's ok to admit that you might not be up to teaching full time yet, or that you're overwhelmed about the idea because of what happened to you last year. Concentrate on what makes you feel good and what you can handle at the moment and go from there. Take care of you first, and then your career. That is my advice xxx

[Croix]

Dear Indecisive Butterfly ~

It's a difficult situation. There is only a couple of things I'd like to say at this stage.

The first is that I doubt whatever happens you will have the luxury of it 'feeling right' straight away. That might take months. In my own situation it did take months before I knew I'd made a good decision. So perhaps searching for that 'right' feeling may not be successful in time for you to make a decision.

The second thing is not about the decision but dealing with thoughts. I've found that while I can't meditate as such - I'm hopeless at it - I can use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. This takes practice to get used to but is pretty effective at steering my mind out of anxious loops and generally destructive thought processes.

Good luck with which ever career move you make

Croix