How do you deal with the guilt on the days you can't function properly?

[Gallifreyan]

Hi this is my first time posting so I hope I'm doing it right! A bit of background, I've been suffering sever anxiety for four years now (I'm 33). I see a psychologist regularly and I know the cause of my anxiety, my Mum died of cancer when I was 19 and I cared for my Dad for three years until he died of leukemia when I was 29. I was also in a nasty accident just before he died which landed me in hospital. This has given me severe health anxiety, every little thing makes me think I have cancer or only a few months to live. Last year I finally got it under control, and didn't have panic attacks for almost a whole year. Bliss!

That's all changed now. I work two different jobs that keep me busy seven days a week. I work very hard and I'm good at my jobs. Usually I never ever turn down work, but a couple of weeks ago one of my bosses started having a go at me, really undermining my self-confidence and implying that I was a disappointment and that I wasn't living up to expectation etc. This would be fine, if it was the case, but I genuinely believe I've given 110%, and also it wasn't just a reprimand, it was a real dig at me as a person.

Since that happened two weeks ago I've hardly been in to either job. I've spiraled down into panic attacks and I've started having twitching muscles which has brought my health anxiety raging back and caused me to think I'm dying of some horrible disease. I can't sleep for the fear, and every little twitch makes me freak out and start crying. The clincher was when the phone rang today and it was my weekday job, probably asking if I was ok to come in today, and I freaked out so badly I couldn't even answer it. Now I'm wracked by guilt and imagining everyone hates me.

I don't even know what to do now. I have a doctor's appointment next week that I'm terrified of going to, I HAVE to go back to work tomorrow because I need the money and I'm scared I'm going to have a breakdown while I'm there, I'm worried that my only remaining family member, my Uncle, thinks I've lost it, and I'm SO frustrated because I had this monster beaten and everything was going so well!

So I guess my question, after that enormous rant, is does anyone else feel guilty when they can't do the things they need to do, and if so, how do you deal? I feel like such a useless, total wreck of a human being and it's driving me nuts!

[white knight]

Hi Gallifreyan, welcome

A few things come immediately to mine. Yes, your uncle is right "you've lost it" but only temporarily IMO. This does happen and working 7 days a week is highly likely the reason it has happened. Lets call it burnout!.

We often forget that the mind and body needs rest and separation from our daily environment. Yes, a break and that can be as simple as time in a tent on the banks of a river. Mind resets, bliss again for you.

Managers have some bad habits at times. They pick on staff just to keep them on their toes regardless of their work rate. So at times you are picked on and it is unjust. At this time "play their game"...let it slide. They are wrong but its pointless arguing now.

Being realistic. I was informed many years ago my thoughts weren't realistic. This was a revelation. What if's!!! They were controlling my thought processes. So here is the way out.

Plan a better future. Meaning- working only 4-5 days a week. Days off are essential. How you go about that is for you to decide. It wont happen overnight but plan it and it will happen.

Time for hobbies, sport, dating etc. This is normal living and anything abnormal has consequences.

Exercise. Relaxation. Good healthy diet. Friends.

Guilt is a huge issue. I've had it and it still lingers regardless of my actions to counter it and I'm 62yo.

So here are some relevant threads I've written on these topics. Use google and you only have to read the first post to get the gist of my messages.

Topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

Topic: anxiety, how I eliminated it- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: your own worse enemy- beyondblue

Topic: nip it in the bud ideas- beyondblue

Topic: holidays- beyondblue

Topic: running around trying to save the world- beyondblue

Topic: anxiety- plan your future- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: inexpensive recovery idea- camping- beyondblue

It's sad to lose both parents at such a young age. It will take planning and patience.

Your GP visit is also a top notch neginning.

Tony WK