First post and seeking advice and experience

[BlueBen]

Hello all,

Currently living through the worst personal crisis I have experienced so I have come here for support and advice.

12 months ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, I have PTSD due to emotional and sexual abuse from a previous relationship and only very recently have I realised the extent of my sleep apnoea. All these combining to create a personal health crisis that I am trying to fight my way out of.

The catalyst for this crisis came about a month ago when my partner left me. Living in a brain fog for the past few months in the lead up to the separation, I lost my ability to communicate fully due to the effects of the complete and utter physical and emotional exhaustion. I was, and remain absolutely devastated that this has happened and that we couldn't work through this crisis.

First of all I visited my GP and had blood tests and a general physical examination, a MHCP and a referral to a psychologist.

I have started seeing the psychologist which has so far been mainly backward steps due to the emotional stress I am feeling and the additional problems the sessions have so far released. I had tried to block out the abuse from a previous relationship, all I was doing was trying to ignore it and the emotional and physical symptoms have continued to haunt me.

I have finally realised the effects that my until recently undiagnosed sleep apnoea, and had a sleep study test completed. I am tomorrow seeing the sleep apnoea specialist to start a 4 week trial with a CPAP machine. Having not slept properly in maybe a couple of years I am exhausted physically and emotionally and cannot wait to have that one decent nights sleep.

On a daily basis I am still emotionally vulnerable, when distracted by work or tasks I am less anxious. I still have trouble falling much less staying asleep (on average I get 3-3.5 hours sleep per night) I wake most mornings at 3am and remain wide awake until my alarm goes off.

I have begun taking supplementation to try to boost my immune system and also stress management. I have begun taking over the counter medications for anxiety management.

I have had anxiety and panic attacks due to the delays in the time it takes to see psychologists. I have no one to talk to apart from my sister and I am struggling to deal with any of this. I am trying to be pro active and practical but it is not that simple. Mental health is not something that is easy to share or talk about with friends.

I am suffering in silence.

[BlueBen]

Today is not such a good day.

The son of my former partner has his 3rd birthday today.

I fell in love with him the very first time he climbed up onto my lap and asked me to read him his bedtime book. Having 2 daughters he quickly became the son I never had and we were at times inseparable. When he was sick he only wanted me. His relationship with his father is virtually non existent and I was more than happy to help him grow into an awesome little man. My girls loved him to bits and he called them both his sisters.

I miss him more than words can express, I write this through the tears. My heart is broken.

I sent a quick Happy Birthday message to his mother.

The CPAP trial I have had some issues with not being able to breathe fully through my nose. Switching face masks has done little to help so tomorrow I am back to my GP to see if I can get a referral to a ENT specialist to see what might be the problem. Maybe, just maybe I won't actually need a CPAP machine after all. In the interim I am using a nasal allergy spray to try to reduce the problem until I can be properly diagnosed. I believe it to be a breathing restriction through my nasal cavity more than likely the result of 3 broken noses. A restriction was noted during my initial CPAP sleep study testing so will get checked out.

I just need good, consistent sleep patterns/habits.

The "brain fog" from the exhaustion is still evident and I have become much more aware of my symptoms throughout this ordeal. I can much more easily recognise when I am "not present in the moment" or when I get anxious and panicked.

I have also spent time researching and recollected many signs and examples of just how long I have been experiencing these symptoms and just how long I have been effected. Approximately 7 years or more.

A fortnight ago I switched workplaces to another venue within the same Franchise Group and the change has been as good as a holiday. Leaving behind a micro manager and the stress and anxiety to work in a much more relaxed workplace has been a massive improvement in my mental health and well being.

Chi Energy (reiki) treatments are also helping reduce my stress levels within and I will continue this and my (too far apart) psychology appointments.

I have also tried to maintain my "normal" physical fitness and a healthy dietary uptake as both have suffered amidst the turmoil of my recent times.

Negative thoughts creep back in so easily unfortunately.

Happy Birthday Lincoln x

[BballJ]

Hi BlueBen,

Sorry for the delay inbetween posts, I read your last message and can see you were struggling. How have the last few days been since your last post?

My best,

Jay

[Ruby44]

Hi Ben,

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time at the moment! How have the last few days been?
I hope you have found some others you can also talk to about this. Sometimes you will be surprised how many people have battled with mental illness when you open up about it. Unfortunately there is still such a negative stigma around discussing these things but it is such a big issue and we need to move past this. There are some really good groups on facebook as well. I've heard there are also some particularly good ones for men in similar situations and to try to encourage men to be more supportive of each other.

Try to stay positive and keep up the things that are helping you!

Ruby

[BlueBen]

I feel really depressed at the moment. I can let go of the past that I had, I feel incredibly sad.

Its been nearly 2 months since the split and I still cannot understand or accept it.

Psychologist appointment next Tuesday is about all I have to look forward to at the moment.

BB

[Mel...]

Hi Ben,

Just reading through the thread, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Loss is so hard.

I was wondering if you ended up calling the helpline in between your appointments?

Mel.

[BlueBen]

Hi Mel and thank you for your words and thoughts.

No I haven't yet called helpline but I have kept up conversations with both my Mum and my Sister. This helps to be able to just vent and get it off my chest/out of my head and I know I am supported by them without judgement.

Similar for posting here 🙂

Ben

[CMF]

Hi BlueBen ,

i have read through your thread and I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. It breaks my heart to read of how much you miss your little buddy. You're so right, the negative thoughts do creep back in and the end of a relationship is always hard. How do you find reiki? It's something I wanted to try.

I'm glad you are starting to get some good sleep, I hope this continues to improve for you.

take care

cmf

[BlueBen]

My heart is broken over losing him as much as his Mother.

Reiki I was skeptical about from the outset, I tried this type of treatment years ago for sciatic pain as it was recommended at the time. It did nothing for me or the pain that I had at the time and I dismissed it. This time didn't realise what type of treatment it was but having read great reviews (aren't they always, and with a money back guarantee) I felt I had nothing to lose. I was as much hoping for some stress and anxiety relief as much as anything. For me the trial session gave me a strange tingling feeling throughout my body and I definitely felt more relaxed and relieved of some stress and anxiety after the session. I have continued to both feel this sensation and after 3 sessions I am certainly feeling less anxiety than prior. For me it has definitely helped. It is not for everyone but it is helping me at this time. Not cheap but no mental/medical health help comes cheaply but for me is worth it. I am still curious as to what and how it works though hahaha it really is strange, I will be lying on my bed at home, relaxed and on the other end of the phone this guy is performing the treatment and I can sense it and I can feel it. Weird...

Ben

[BlueBen]

This morning I had a CT scan on my sinuses to check for restrictions in my breathing when using the CPAP machine and it appears I have small(ish) polyps that a nasal spray can hopefully assist with. In the meantime I have been putting a couple drops of lemon bleach into the water bowl inside the machine which has helped me breathe through the last 2 nights where I have had vastly improved sleeps.

heres hoping for another good nights sleep tonight.

Ben

[BballJ]

Hi BlueBen ,

I know you're not feeling great at the moment but each day is a chance to get better and grow a little bit stronger, missing your ex partner is ok and those feelings will come and go for a while, it's accepting them and then letting them go one by one as they come into your mind.

My father has the polyps as well when he had sleep apnoea which he ended up having them removed which helped him although he uses the CPAP machine now and has helped his snoring dramatically. Hopefully you can start seeing some better results.

My best,

Jay