Feeling so fed up right now 😢

[Whycantlifebesimple]

Im a bubbly nothing makes me sad care free kinda gal on the outside..... but ive managed to fool everyone. Im 35 and i use to cry every night up until mid last year. I have never told anyone that a friend of my parents abused me when i was 11yrs old. I cant stand the word molest. It makes me physically sick and i think my defence mechanism deleted that word for me throughout my younger years to help me cope in life. I get so nervous/anxious when i have to leave my house and front people. Its like i fight myself everyday. I also feel like a manipulator because inside i feel so small and broken but because i "force" myself to be social, my friends and family say im the life of the party. In saying so im not pretty at all but i think its because im funny is the reason they think that. People also come to me with their problems and i never tell them what they should do but i "advise" them. My thinking is they came to me for a reason so i should give them a reason why they did. I never compare my problems to anyones because big or small its a problem for the individual. I dont want people to think im easy to push around. Just lately ive been feeling really down. All i need is someone to appreciate me. I started going to church and every sunday i use to cry coz the sermons seemed as if it was aimed at me. Mind you i was not a believer. I realised when i finally forgave this man for what he did i then forgave myself for holding on to it for so long (it might not sound reasonable to some)but i never cried at night over it since mid yr last year. Mind you i cry when things get too much but i have a high high tolerance for things. I just needed to vent and i even feel bad for venting on here coz i dont want to burden anyone. 

[Moonstruck]

...You have told someone now. It was a terrible thing that happened to you...but it's over now. You can put that burden down...it's been far too heavy to carry around. It sounds like you are already on the way...ceasing to cry every single night  - that's an achievement isn't it?

Never feel bad for venting...you needed to. You will find support and understanding here. You don't have to "force yourself to be anything".  Perhaps you need time to relax now and stop trying so hard....stop struggling so hard...we've got you..we're holding you. .....take care.....

[Mike_101]

It's not easy to keep something to yourself for over 20 years and not feel a little mentally taxed. How people deal with past trauma's has a large impact of their present state of mind. It's good that it seems at least mentally you are moving on, if you haven't cried over it for over 6 months that's a start. Also talking about it is another great achievement (it tends to get it out of the head a little so to speak) - although the head tends to get filled with something else instead 🙂

I think you need to read your own post as you have complimented yourself and indicated that you are very much appreciated (although your friends might not openly tell you). You sound like a very good friend to have and your friends seem to agree by calling you the life of the party and coming to you for advice. So to me you sound like your already very much appreciated by your friends.

On saying that, you are allowed to have a down day every now and then as keeping a 'high tolerance' for things can sometimes be a little mentally taxing and can make us tired and worn down. So while others come to you for advice, it's perfectly fine to turn to your friends when you need help and advice or just want to vent. It's hard to find someone that listens and offers 'advice' rather than giving an opinion, so in that respect you should feel proud of the type of support mechanism you are to your friends.

Don't ever think your a burden - you don't have to reach a threshold on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale before your allowed to 'burden' anyone when you need to vent 😉

kind regards
Mike

[blondguy]

Hi Whycantlifebesimple

My name is Paul, and i can let you know you are not a burden to anyone here...you are very welcome 🙂

Moonstruck and Mike make good sense....

Its a Saturday Night and you have the strength to get on here let us know how it is.....Your words and constitution are strong!

Without advice...I also 'Force Myself To Be Social' It is awful and I understand how you feel....

Please be Gentle to Yourself

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Whycantlifebesimple]

Thank you so much for your reply. I was so overwhelmed by your last line. To me those words were like a huge set of hands holding me. Comforting me. Something i have never ever felt before. I cried reading all the replies. Thank you for your beautiful words. May you have a wonderful day. 

[Whycantlifebesimple]

Thank you Mike for your very kind words. I feel so uncomfortable reading your reply because right now i feel like i dont deserve it. I know they are genuine and beautiful words but i feel disgusted at myself for letting "my" secret out. When reading replies i cried wishing such positive, understanding and comforting people were present in my life. Thank you doesnt seem to be enough of a word to show you how much i really appreciate the time you spent replying. I am greatful.

[Guest_1055]

Hello, I just wanted to give you a hug this morning, and send out some love to you.

With love

Shelley xx

[Whycantlifebesimple]

Thank you Paul for taking time out to reply. No one around me knows how hard it is to even fill up my petrol. Somtimes id drive to the next station because there were too many people at the previous one. Its alot of work 😢 but reading your reply has given me great strength to carry on again. I thank you so much again for your comforting words.

[Whycantlifebesimple]

Thank you so much Shelley. I never thought the internet could be the place where i could receive so much comfort and i never knew there were people with beautiful souls like yourself and the other replies i received. I thank you and i "hug" you right back. May you receive love and appreciation from all you touch.

[Bluey_moon]

Whycan'tlifebesimple, 

thank you for trusting us with your secret, it takes a lot of courage! 

I am new to this thread but want to see how you are doing! 

Big hugs to you!