fear of people/talking?

[Stormgrl101]

Hello

I have always been a shy quiet (anxious) person, even as a child. IN high school I started struggling with depression although I did not understand what it was at the time. As I got older I hoped things would change but I dont know what else to do. 
Had a family dinner last night and I became painfully aware of how silent I am. With family, friends, strangers, I just don't have anything to say, apart from "hello". I feel disconnected from the world, unsure of how I am meant to live. Its depressing seeing people around me living their lives, having a job/career, getting married, having kids etc. I dont feel like there is a place in this world for a person like me. 

I guess the point of writing this is to see if there is someone who can give me some sort of hope, see if anyone has overcome something like this. I don't know. I feel strange.

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[CrashCoyote]

Hi Stormgrl101,

I want to let you know that your shyness and quietness are more common that you think. There are all sorts of people in this world, loudmouth, opinionated and forward (like me) who will play Devil's advocate on almost anything. At the other end are people that do not like conflict, or feel their opinion is not as valuable, or cannot see the point in battling for voice time and so on.

My ex wife was very much that quiet person and rarely voiced an opinion or spoke a lot in groups. Just how she was.

I hope you don't see it as a sign of something wrong. It takes all kinds of people to make this world and being shy and quiet is no sin! There is a place in the world for people like you.

If you want to be more talkative or bold, maybe there are other places where you'd feel safer experimenting with that, like these forums, online chat rooms or your own blog. Stay anonymous, be judicious about what you share about yourself but have a go. Maybe someone that shares your experience will post something more helpful, but I hope my post has reassured you a little.

Kind regards, John.

[BenD]

Hi Stormgrl101,

As for not being sure about your place in the world I can tell you right now I appreciate people who are quiet and even a little bit shy. They listen more, are considerate, kind, sensitive and strong but also have the potential for tremendous resolve and strength of character.

One thing that has helped me a bit is having goals. Large, ambitious, selfish ones! It can be anything from the career/marriage/kids ones you mentioned above to learning a new language or being an astronaut. Whats important is that they are your goals and your desires. Part of being shy and socially anxious is giving a lot to other people and neglecting oneself. We might need to help you work through that?

Maybe you could ask yourself things like: what kind of person do you want to be? Where do you want to go and what do you want to do?

Once you know at least a little about what you want and you start moving in the direction of getting what you want, the small achievements along the way can be real self-esteem boosters.

For example, I can see you are trying to improve your mental health (good move) and you've already made some progress by visiting beyondblue and posting on these forums (well done). Some further moves to get you towards your goal of being mentally fit and healthy:

• Mindfulness (google "Smiling Mind", a fantastic free Australian program)
• Physical Exercise (releases endorphins and consumes energy otherwise used by a potentially bored and anxious brain)
• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy 
• Counselling (available via chat here on the BB website or through your GP and then medicare for 10 subsidised visits)

• Medication (works for me and many others in conjunction with the above therapies)

I hope that helps a little bit and I'd like to hear about any progress you make with those questions, if you wish to discuss them 🙂

Ben

[Stormgrl101]

Hi John, Thankyou!

Over time I've begun to accept the fact I'm never going to be that bubbly loud confident "normal" person I've always dreamed of being. 

[MisterM]

Nothing wrong with being quiet and shy.
I am the same.
Introverts have brilliant minds 😉

[MarkBt]

Hi Stormgrl101,

Your post really drew me in, I feel like I have been there at some point. I went against the grain for a large part of my life was never accepting or honest about who I was. After a long period of therapy I was eventually able to be more free and open, over time I have come to realise I am actually a people person. People also were engaged by me too. I couldn't believe it! That is my story and yours will be different but if you can accept who you are inside and that you are valued for being you. I found people will relate to that sense of awareness.

 Even more amazing I now have a 3 year old daughter who is a full on extrovert - well showing clear signs of it anyway. Who'd have thought and as a result I feel like she pulls me along with her.

 If you feel like the shyness is coming from anxiety and it's holding you back ( which you have indicated) then getting help wouldn't be a bad idea. I reluctantly started seeking help and never looked back.

Write back though I am interested to know how you get on.

[Stormgrl101]

Thanks people for writing back to me.

Im feeling incredibly hurt and angry. My best friend has decided to drop me as a friend. I acknowledged I made a mistake but she knew I have been struggling for months now and especially the past month after a medication change, and been broke ( only just moved out of a place where I was living with her and back to my parents so I could save some money and concentrate on trying to get better. ) I owe her a bit of money and she was always fine about it and I'd let her know I would pay her back as soon as I could after I moved back to my parents house. I thought she knew she could just come talk to me about anything and yes I'm sometimes a bit distant and quiet but we have always been fine. She said some mean and hurtful things to me and even posted a Facebook status about me so she could "expose me for who I really am". . I would never to do that to someone I was supposedly best friends with even if I was a little angry.

This just came out of no where and I'm a bit lost. She (and her partner) are the only friends I have apart from my partner. I've apologised numerous time for taking awhile to pay  her back and I did plan to in the next two weeks. But her calling me a fake friend really hurts, I've been nothing but loyal and always tried to keep her happy especially when living with her. She has always been understanding towards my mental illness. 

Even my partner said she seems to have changed recently (he is friends with both of them too ) but I feel so sad and alone. I never wanted to make her angry with me. I feel so anxious and my head feels like it's going to burst. Sorry for venting. 

[AndrewP]

Hi Storm,

Your shyness and being quiet is completely normal and there is nothing wrong with it.

Ask yourself who you think you need to be in this world?

For what reason do you think you need to be that person?

Who is it that you want to be?

Who is it that you are?

What is it in life that worries you most? For what reason do these things worry you?

It is very important to be 100% honest with yourself when answering these questions as honesty within ones self is the start of change.

If you have any further questions please don't hesitate to ask.

[Leeza]

Hi there.

I once smsed a lawn mowing service and told them not to call as i am deaf. I am not deaf i just occasionally have a huge phobia of speaking to strangers on the phone! 

I feel out of place in almost every social situation and feel like i have nothing to contribute to any conversation. I feel jealous of those social butterflies who always seem to be able to think of things to say.

I don't even like to go to the shops without my husband incase i run into someone I know.

The sad thing is i wasn't  always like this. From the ages of 16-18 I was very confident, very loud and funny and popular. I think if my 18yr old self ever ran into the 33yr old i am today, she wouldn't believe it and would not recognise me. 

It's probably always going to be hard and depression will always try to tear down my tiny self esteem but there is hope.

Start small. Force yourself to do things you think you can't. I forced myself  to go to an exercise class alone the other day. I wasnt going to go because my friend couldnt make it but then i broke it down into baby steps. I told myself "All you have to do is get dressed." Easy. Then "All you have to do is get in the car." Etc. Anxiety reared its ugly head once I had paid for class and was in the toilet but i took a deep breath, told myself that i have already paid and all  needed to do was walk into the exercise room. 

After the fantastic workout i psyched myself up, practiced what to say quickly in my head, took several anixety squashing breathes and walked over to introduce myself to the instructor  and thank her for the terrific work out. She was thrilled for the positive feedback and i walked out of there thrilled that i not only did something for myself and by myself but that i also spoke to a stranger.

I still suck at conversation at dinners and parties but hey; the loud confident self involved people need quiet shy people to listen to them. 

Hope this helps in some way. Remember baby steps and self praise go  long way. 😊

[stayingsane]

stormgirl i hear what you are saying.

for months now i have gone into a severe relapse of social anxiety. ive been in hospital one month and most of the time have been in bed. my fear of others judgement is ridiculous, and out of control. i do not know why some of us have these issues and others dont. i also feel the desperate need to hear that others have made it out of this and i think the answer must actually be that they have built on successes and pushed themselves bery very hard.