Dealing with the past

[Asg]

I have suffered anxiety and social phobia for 28 years now and even though I have my good days like everyone else lately it has been that debilitating I am suffering headaches every day and have little strength to get through the day , I feel I may have made one of the worst mistakes of my life bringing up the past , because I am what people refer to as a forgotten Australia last year I decided to seek justice for my treatment as a child and now think it was a bad mistake , I worked hard for many years to deal with my social phobia and anxiety and had it under control but now that's all out the window and I am back to that feeling like I'm dying all the time , if anyone out there has been through this and has any ideas on dealing with this and getting back on top I would very much appreciate your time to talk.

[PamelaR]

Hello Asg

Such a difficult space to be in. My heart goes out to you. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling at the moment.

It is good though that you have found the Beyond Blue (BB) forums. You'll find the people here are caring, supportive, friendly and respect individual privacy.

I am survivor of childhood abuse, though the treatment was from family members. They have all passed on now, so I am not able to seek justice. Though, like you I'm now not sure that I would go down that path.

In your post, you ask if anyone has any ideas on dealing with this and getting back on top. We are not counsellors, all we can do on BB forums is provide you some insight to our experiences and how we managed our lives. You'll find we are each different, what works for one may not work for another.

You have obviously done quite a bit of work at healing yourself. Well done. It may help you to understand your current journey and your life ahead if I share with you a little of my healing story, process and ongoing management. Rather than telling you what you should do. Let me know if you are okay with that?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[white knight]

Hi ASG, welcome to these forums.

Pamela has answered first in a great way.

I am 62yo and having read your other thread I must declare that I'm an ex prison officer from Victoria for only 3 years back in 1977-1980. The environment was terrible and trouble brewed between officers and inmate. So I'm declaring that because you might read that elsewhere in this forum and it might result in placing me in a manner that would not reflect my true self. Memories of institutions be it a boys home, jail, convent etc it can bring back memories of narcissistic behavior from staff. I'm the opposite. I detest violence and control. I hope I can help you.

A short story: In 1987 I faced a moral decision. I was a council ranger and I was directed to stop issuing fines to a politician. I was unaware of his job so I asked and was told he "is a mate of the councilors". I suddenly had a dilemma. Do I continue to allow this man to break the law or continue to issue fines.? Well I chose the former and issued more fines. I had a panic attack when arguing with my boss but initially it was diagnosed as heart attack- at 31yo.

So I began the fight. I fought for 10 months and had to make the decision whether to sue the council (I was eventually sacked) or cut my losses and try to put it behind me. not unlike your situation. I chose to not risk the financial pressure of legal fees, the health sacrifice of my family and myself any further and get on with my life. That was my decision, you are entitled to yours-fully. No judgement here. I cant begin to relate to your trauma.

The saga hit the local papers, the major Victorian paper and even the Hinch radio show. While being proud I was also devastated. I recommenced my life never to return to that profession. I was eventually very successful when I ran my own investigation company.

Does that sage still haunt me? Yes and no. See, I'm at peace that I was morally right. I'm haunted by how can such treatment of me be justified by so many. The lying to the ombudsman, the lying to the local newspapers, the altering of council documents (but I copied them before they did and the ombudsman knew it) etc etc.

This is why it is your decision and you can listen to others and make your own choice. Can you live with these memories? Or is the process of correcting an injustice worth the hurt in several ways. A dilemma.

A dilemma feeling guilty about any decision you've made isn't fair to yourself.

I look forward to reading more.

Tony WK

[Asg]

Thank-you Pamela and Tony for your replies , sorry I am new to posting on forums and may have not have worded my post the best I wasn't looking for someone to tell me what do but looking for coping mechanisms that other people have used as it never hurts to try something new , I was doing well until last November when I started the legal process and the memories came flooding back , I don't envy the years you worked as a prison officer Tony it is hard for all on the other side of those walls and reminds me of being transferred to maitland prison in 81 to find myself looking at my cousin in a corrections uniform it was a hard time as he tried to talk to me but I had to ignore him as you would understand because of prison culture , well having a good day and I'm not dying as my doctor informed me again for the 10th time just my old friend anxiety , thank you both again.

[Asg]

thanks for your reply Pamela.

maybe my post was not written as well as i could have done as i am new to forums , i was more asking for what coping strategies other people have used as i never hurts to try something new.

i am sorry to hear of your experiences as a child and seeking justice is not an easy process and nothing is certain as these events happened to me about 40 years ago i do not know if these people are even still alive.

i started the legal process last November and so far have found it to be nothing short of devastating having to give statements to lawyers and reading my ward records from all those years ago has just devastated me and i have found myself not being able to cope with this particularly well.

i would be very grateful to hear some of your story as i would like to share my story of institutional life with others.

thank you once again , Alex

[PamelaR]

Hello Asg

I'm truly sorry you had such a horrible experience by those that should have protected you.

I think your post was very good at explaining what you wanted, I just wanted to be sure before going into more details.

First I'll give you a brief summary of my past about why I have ptsd, anxiety and depression. Hope you don't trigger. I'm sorry if it does.

• About 7-8 years ago, I regained my memory of being raped when I was about 12 years.
• From 0-20, I was psychologically, emotionally and physically abused by my mother until I left home.
• In the last 5 years I found out both my brothers were sexually abused by my mother.

Around 7 years ago I had a mental breakdown. I was not hospitalised, but had a very good psychologist and a doctor. When I first started getting flashes, my anxiety went through the roof. Heart palpitations frightened me, felt ill and had headaches all the time, couldn't think properly, became hypervigilance.

My psychologist got me into a course to help me manage my symptoms. These techniques were:

• slowing down my breathe, by counting in for 5, holding my breathe for 5, out for 5, holding by out breathe. As I do this, I focus on my breathe as it goes into my nose, throat, chest, lungs and diaphragm. I keep this breathing up until I start to relax.
• relaxing to music, meditation tapes and hypnotherapy.
• talking to others in the course about triggers and what helped to reduce symptoms.

It helped me to reduce my symptoms when I was triggered. I was also prescribed one medication for depression and another for anxiety. The anxiety medication could only be used sparingly because it could be addictive. But it helped during the most severe moments I had.

After the course, when my psychologist thought i could manage my symptoms and was able to relax, she started to help me look at the flashbacks I was getting. This was an incredibly difficult time - crying all the time, became disassociated every now and again.

I think people 'may call it trauma therapy'. We explored my flashbacks. They began to become a story I could relate to. It was a dreadful time, and I think in someways it's possible to liken it to you reading your ward record. So I do understand how you feel and what you are going through. It's an awful place to be. My heart goes out to you Alex.

However, it does get better!! Believe me, I'm here now caring and supporting others. I'll continue my coping strategies later if that's okay (tomorrow perhaps).

Kind regards

Pammy

[Asg]

Thank you for your reply Pamela , I did do breathing and relaxation therapy several decades ago and had really forgotten all about it because I have had things under control for so long but having to talk with lawyers about my experiences for 6 hours over 3 days put me back to square one as I had never spoke of the things that happened to me over 40 years ago , recounting Tamworth boys home was the straw that broke the camels back , there we were starved and never allowed to talk to each other or be within 6 feet of each other it was total isolation at all times ,one day I refused the sexual advances of 2 male staff and for my troubles had my knee broken , my back cracked and my eye socket caved in and then was abused anyway after that I was left in a condemned cell in the prison with little food or water , it has been hard and I still haven't got my head back above water but I feel I need to do this the best way I can so people out there understand what happened to us children under government care , well that's enough about me for now it's time to dust of the old yoga mat and relaxation music I think , thank you for your support it's good to get it out of the system , take care and hope to talk with you some more : Alex

[white knight]

Hi asg

Coping strategies

Please google (just read the first posts)

Topic: anxiety, how I eliminated it- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue

Topic: when emotions take over logic- beyondblue

I hope you get just a little help from those.

I understand memories stirring up a hornets nest.

Tony WK

[Asg]

Thank you so much Tony , my old coping strategies aren't working too well at the moment so time to try new things.

[PamelaR]

Hello Alex

Your story brings tears to my eyes. Such a difficult time for you and now with all the recollections you must do with the lawyers and I'm assuming court eventually.

Alex, I'm not a counsellor or therapist, and I do not want to give you strategies yet until you think your are able to manage how you feel. You talked about getting your yoga mat out - wow, that is a good start. Love to hear that. Yoga, meditation and relaxation helped me through the worst of the initial flashbacks. For me and my psych it was essential to 'stablise me' otherwise I think I would have been hospitalised. So let me know when you think you are able to manage your anxiety symptoms. Basically, i.e. you are able to reduce your heart beat, cease sweating, clear your head, relax your body.

As an aside, I had thought the government has put some funding towards helping Forgotten Australians in terms of counselling etc. Ask your lawyer, or your doctor.

Sending you lots of precious energy to pick you up and help you on your way.

Kind regards

PamelaR