Dealing with regrets

[ScooterCat]

It sucks.

I missed out on a lot of opportunities in high school. 

I never talked to anyone, made friends or hung out with anyone. I felt everyone hated me and didn’t want me around. 

I kept isolating myself and staying silent. 

Now that my teenage years are over, I’ve slowly come to the realisation that no one actually hated me or didn’t want me around. It was all just anxiety in my head. 

I hurt a lot of people back in high school. So many people kept coming up to me and saying hi, but all I did was ignore them and said nothing. 

I just wish I could do something to turn this all around. I wish I could talk to all those people and say something back to them. I wish I knew people didn’t hate me at all. 

[Croix]

Dear Scootercat~

Welcome back, its good to hear from you again, even though you feel unhappy about the past. Thanks for your reply incidentally, I was gad to hear you were going to try to make peace.

OK, so when you were at high school you did not form relationships and now you see that as missed opportunities, which they may have been. However there may well have been a reason you stood off, I do know you mentioned before your father cooks, can I ask if you home life had problems?

For some people a separation or family arguments or even simply not having enough love and attention can change their view of life and how they regard others.

As you are now looking back on it you can see the influence anxiety had on your reactions, and just realizing that alone is a huge step. High School is realy only the start of your life -even if it looms very large at the moment - and the things you learn there assist you in the future. That's not just the book learning, but learn abut yourself, how you react and what to try in the future.

I really doubt anyone hates you, if you did not respond to their friendly greetings they would just have been annoyed or disappointed at the time, but it would not have gone much further. I suspect your anxiety may be building things up more than the actual facts. (I do this too for the same reason).

Can I suggest you go and see a GP about your anxiety and be assessed and diagnosed? It may well be there are things htat cna be done to give you more confidence and feel better about yourself too.

Would you agree?

Croix

[ScooterCat]

Hey Croix (again) 🙂

I never really felt close to my parents when I was a teenager. My dad would scold me whenever I did something he didn’t like, he’d ask demeaning questions like ‘why did you do that? You know that’s bad’ and sometimes he’d give me the silent treatment whenever I did something he thought was really unacceptable. 

I also felt estranged from my mother. She didn’t do anything bad like my dad, but I felt she was just in the sidelines not doing much. She wasn’t much of a parental figure to me - my dad would always be the one taking care of me. 

I didn’t feel like either of them loved me. 

It’s true high school sets you up for the future and teaches you how to socialise, act, etc. It’s just sad that all those experiences - dating, making friends, going out with friends, making mistakes - I’ll never get to know. 

I agree that no one actually hates me. It’s just anxiety saying so. I didn’t realise at the time that anxious thoughts aren’t absolute facts and that it’s possible people could like me. I guess I listened too much to my anxiety rather than looked at what was really going on. 

I’m actually seeing a therapist right now and I was diagnosed with social anxiety a few years ago. I’ve done a lot of Cognitive Behavioural work during that time and I find that helps a lot with challenging the negative thoughts I’ve had about myself. Knowing that there are no right or wrong answers in the world has also helped relieved my anxiety of having to do things ‘right’ and needing to be perfect.

Oh, and just a quick update, I did go talk to my dad about how I didn’t like how the noodles were made twice and we’re both cool now. He was all accepting of how I felt and he didn’t criticise me for my feelings. 

[Croix]

Dear ScooterCat~

I hope you don't mind if I say I'm impressed. That is a very hopeful and sensible set of thoughts. Having anxiety does colour how you think for the worst, and to be able to realize that makes a world of difference. I often have to rely upon my partner to point out I'm mistaken or overreacting.

It sounds that between your own efforts and the assistance of the therapist you are getting to be able to cope and see the world as it really is.

I'm also glad you were able to talk over the noodles thing wiht your dad and all is OK there now. I suspect given your account of how you have been treated in the past it took a bit of courage.

I do think you are wrong about one thing:

It’s just sad that all those experiences - dating, making friends, going out with friends, making mistakes - I’ll never get to know. 

It is precisely becuse you have seen where the wheels fell off in you school relations you are now much better equipped, and I expect a bit more confident, and will date, make friends and go out with them - realizing firstly they will be very likely to accept you and secondly you can  respond in a friendly manner and not cut them off. You can end up having a good time.

Yes, sure you will make mistakes about all sorts of things as time goes on, but then again everyone does.

Not feeling loved is something I had to live with too, my parents were.... well ...not that good. Strangely enough that has taught me as I grew older to value love a lot and far from not knowing what to do because I had no example, it worked  the other way, I knew from their behaviour what not to do.

I hope you feel you can pop in here anytime and discuss anything you'd like

Croix

[therising]

Hi ScooterCat

I feel for you, I really do. I'm a gal who remembers thinking, when I was younger, 'I wish I could become so conscious to the point life would be so much easier'. While wishing for greater wisdom, it became a matter of 'Be careful what you wish for'. I came to realise one of the toughest things about becoming more conscious involves learning in hindsight. Can be such a frustrating, painful and even depressing experience sometimes. It can definitely become even more challenging when becoming more conscious of how we impacted other people. I've found one of the most effective ways of managing self forgiveness comes from the idea 'How could I have behaved consciously of what I was simply not conscious of before?'. While it's logical, can still be hard to deal with the emotional factor. Forgiveness comes in time through even greater rises to awareness.

So, I suppose the question becomes 'Now that I know, what am I going to do with what I know?' or 'How am I going to proceed to open my mind through what I now know?'. How would you like to open your mind? Would you like to open it to researching stuff like 'Managing social anxiety', 'Managing to develop self love or self confidence' or maybe you'd like to open your mind to 'Managing the challenges of making new friends or acquaintances as an introvert'. Plenty of things to open your mind to. Find whatever suits or whatever happens to come to mind in the way of natural inspiration. Pretty much whatever pops in.

If it leads you to feel a bit better, is it possible to start some positive gossip. Kind of like...tell someone you went to school with (next time you happen to see them) 'You know, I had terrible anxiety when I was at school. While I appeared standoffish and as though I didn't care for anyone, that was my anxiety. And, to tell you the truth, I didn't thing anyone liked me'. If the person you tell loves spreading info or gossip, even better. Before you know it, it would have got around to a lot of the people you went to school with.

[justcant]

Thank you for reaching out ScooterCat 💖

When I was about to begin highschool I had the grand dream that it would just be like in the movie Clueless. I’d sit in class with my fluffy pen, drink diet cokes with my friends at lunctime and we would ditch and go on glamourous shopping sprees.

No. No, definitely wasn’t like that. I was bullied pretty much from the minute of the first day. I hid in the library at lunctime and didn’t dare go near the shopping center across from the school as I’d get bullied there too. Sure I did well with my school work, I had a few good friends. For the most part though it sucked. I felt hated by so many people  too and was bullied for the most shallow reasons, even by people that I didn’t even know their names. They made my life hell.l and as a result I never went to discos, social functions or anywhere where they may have been. I even faked sick on my year 10 graduation day as I was too terrified of what they would have yelled when I went up on stage to get my certificate. 

I have a lot of regrets about that time in my life too. Certainly wasn’t the highschool experience I imagined as I said. 

I still struggle with anxiety and the repercussions of what happened to me to this day.

Sadly, none of us can change the past. You were a different person then and you did what you thought you needed to do to get through it. There’s no shame in that. We must try to be the best people we can be for every situation 💖

I know regrets hurt. My advice to you would be to look at who you are now. Look at your achievements no matter how small, look at how you interact with others now. You will continue to grow 💖 And hey, you never know! You may just run into one of those people one day and you will have a chance to make a wonderful new first impression! 

All my best you 💖 Hold your head high and be the best person you can be 💖