Bad anxiety day - disgusted with myself.

[justcant]

Hi everyone,

I’ve had a really bad day with my driving anxiety. 

My uncle passed away last Friday and I was going to take the opportunity to go today and spend the day with my aunty. I had food and other things to bring her.

She lives a bit far away, way off my “comfort roads” and I was scared about it last night and this morning but I got up and got everything ready and set off regardless. I made it almost half way there and the anxiety kicked in big time and it was long before it was a full blown panic attack. I tried stopping places to calm down and continue on but I just couldn’t do it. I was terrified and exhausted and it just wasn’t safe. I felt physically sick. I managed to drive home on some back roads very slowly.

My next therapist appointment isn’t until the 14th of February.

And what’s worse is that my uncle’s funeral is Friday and my whole family are going together. And I know this sounds so contradictory but as much anxiety as I get, I hate it even more when someone else is driving and I’m not in control. And driving myself is really not an option as it’s so far away and I just can’t miss this. I know how selfish I sound. I feel so awful and I don’t know what to do.

I feel shattered, stupid and completely disgusted with myself.

Thank you for reading.

Sarah.

[Annas1]

Hello Sarah,

Thank-you for being so open about what is happening for you right now as you navigate both a very sad time for your family and your own painful, overwhelming feelings. I have been in a similar situation where I felt unable to act in a way that was both acceptable to others and caring of myself at the same time. It is enormously frustrating, anxiety-inducing and alienating. I also expect I will encounter this kind of two-way pressure many more times in life, and so I'm starting to see that I need to address the problem directly, rather than work around it.

Firstly, never judge yourself for having feelings - emotional or physical. This is our nature and our experience. Feelings of anxiety, grief, isolation, fear, anger are just as natural and valid as those of joy, connection, confidence and pride. This is my own life lesson, and I'm still struggling at the foothills of the mountain. But I am getting better at being aware of my quick negative judgement (shame, self-blame, self-loathing) of myself when I am feeling anxious/sad/bereft/alone/angry.

Feelings generally have a purpose - especially if they are strong and easy to identify. My anxiety usually relates to feelings of brokeness, lack of worth, anticipated rejection. I have a deep-set belief (i.e. not rationally chosen) that I am inadequate. Being anxious and upset can then compound the sense of truth in the belief, which I know intellectually is not true but remains hard to shift. It is going to take time and effort to rewrite this script. Acknowledge that you too will likely need time and space to identify and address the false beliefs that underlie your anxieties and self-judgement.

Secondly, I would suggest sharing your struggles with a trusted confident, someone who will receive your story with care and concern. Sharing our 'shameful' experience lessens its power and helps us feel less alone. It is an important part of healing and managing our experiences.

So, rather than judging your present situation and challenges, could you try to acknowledge that this is how things are at the moment for you? You are doing your best to manage what is happening for you and you want your family to know that through all this you still care about others' needs and want to keep connected. I think this is 'brave, awkward and kind' - Brene Brown's quick reference for navigating our complex, tricky lives. I find it so useful myself.

Take a breath, be loving towards yourself and know others have been there too.

Annas

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Sarah,

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful Uncle, my sincere condolences, may he RIP🙏..

Awe sweetheart, please try hard to not feel stupid or discussed in yourself, you are doing the best you can and that is all you can do…having the courage to even try is huge for you…Well done..You did so well…

My children live 7 hours away from me and for a number of years I developed a fear of driving to see them…then my youngest son had a major workplace accident…within 10 minutes of that phone call from my daughter in law I was in my car and on my way driving 7 hours to be there for them….without even a thought….Anxiety didn’t have a chance to challenge me…

 One thing that my son’s accident has taught me is…..that anxiety is just our thoughts making up all sorts of scenarios that more then likely won’t happen…it’s trying to get that into our head, now, that’s the hard part…

Panic attacks especially when driving can be hard to manage, I always have in my car a little grounding box that helps me ground myself asap while having an attack….instructions on making them and what to put in them as well as talking about panic/anxiety attack are on a thread titled…”Grounding yourself, what is it and how do we”…maybe if you feel up to it you can check the thread out…

Its hard to let someone else drive us at times, I used to need to be in control of driving, but now my friend drives me to my appointments, the ones that are over an hours drive from mine, on the drive their we enjoy each other’s company, talk about happy things, play songs we like and sometimes sing-a-long….Do you have someone who’s company you enjoy enough to help distract your anxious thoughts while they drive?

My kindest thoughts Dear Sarah, 

Grandy..

[yours_truly]

Hey Sarah, 

Please, whether now or in the future never judge or hate yourself for the things related to your anxiety. Of course in general don’t have negative attitudes towards yourself, but your anxiety is something that already makes everything so difficult for you. Just be kind to yourself. You must always take your side. 

Welcome to the forums and congratulations on gathering the courage to express yourself. It’s never easy to admit these feelings and struggles. Here at the forums we are always so grateful and ready to hear our fellow mates out! 

Your frustration in this situation is very understandable. It sucks when everything is ready and your anxiety just topples it all down. I can relate, in fact everyone can. We have all been there, done that. So please, never hate yourself. 

As your appointment is in February, I would suggest you perhaps take a look at the devices that behind blue offers. You can talk to another professional and get their perspective in the mean time. Beyond blue is a trustworthy and amazing plat form, that I can proudly say probably saved me in desperate times too. 

All in all, I think your situation worsens as you find the lack of control that comes with others driving also very intimidating. Maybe ask if someone you deeply trust is able to drive you there. If that is also not possible, perhaps you might find public transport with hundreds of other people and special pathways more settling. As you aren’t the only one there and there are specific tracks made for transport. If that is also not going to work, I might suggest that you walk. It is not ideal, but if the place is close enough you can drive a certain distance and walk the rest. 

I am so very sorry for your loss, 

Yours_truly

[justcant]

Thank you so much Annas for your detailed and kind reply.

It is so so frustrating because I like to be the kind of person that people can rely on. Up until recently I was. 

I was extremely hard on myself that day. I’m still not happy with myself but I’ve managed to pick myself up and continue on somehow. I’m so glad to hear you are on your way with dealing with your issues too 💖

I’m very lucky that I have my mum and husband who I can turn to and confide in. They have never experienced anxiety themselves but they believe me and support me which I’m incredibly thankful for.

I really am trying my best to go on as normal despite how I feel. I’m so scared of this taking over my life completely. I’m trying to be as functional as I can be. That quote does sum me up quite well right now hehe

Thank you again,

Sarah.

[justcant]

Thank you Grandy for your thoughtful reply and your condolences 💖

Thank you. I’m trying to accept that I tried even though I was terrified and that is an accomplishment. I was feeling so low that day I beat myself up very badly.

That’s incredible and so brave 💖 Just goes to show that we really are stronger than the anxiety, we just have to learn how to tap into that strength. I really hope your son recovered well.

Thank you for letting me know about it I will definitely check that out.

Ive just about always been the driver for years (my driving anxiety has only started recently) so I’m used to being in control. Quite hard to let it go even though I don’t trust my self control right now. I know how silly that sounds.

I’m so glad that you have a nice friend to drive you. Nice people are so important to our recovery.

My husband will be in the back seat with me which I’m so glad of 💖

Thank you again Grandy and all the best to you too,

Sarah.

[justcant]

Thank you Yours_truly for your kind reply.

It really is making everything so hard. I hardly even feel like myself anymore. I am trying so hard to keep myself going and do as many things normally as possible. I just don’t want it to take over my life entirely.

Thank you so much. It is a great place and I’m so glad I found it.

I have called the beyond blue line a couple of times and they were really helpful. It’s so nice to know I can call whenever I need. I really am hanging out for February so I can really get my recovery started. I hate this so much.

It definitely is the lack of control. I am quite a controlling person, not with people but I am with my environment you know? I’ve always been the driver for years (this driving anxiety is only a recent thing). The person driving me and my family is actually my dad who has been driving for 40+ years but he does get quite bad road rage at times which I find is really making me nervous and it’s also embarrassing.  He’s not the sort of person who understands mental illness well so I can’t really say to him to keep his temper so I don’t get worked up. Of I could take the bus I would but then again I’d have to explain to my dad why and I don’t think that conversation would have much understanding. Walking isn’t really on option I’m sorry, it’s about 30kms away hehe.

Thank you again for your kindness 💖