Anxiety as a response to emotional pain

[Annas1]

Hello fellow travellers,

I'm experiencing another anxiety spike at the moment - activated nervous system, significant sleep difficulty, fear of being seen in this state and consequent low mood - and while I understand the relevant trigger there is little I can do to change the situation. Or at least this is how it feels.

After considerable experience unpacking the deeper cause for my anxiety response I now recognise that I have an overriding habit of 'running' from my feelings of pain, fear and sadness. I think this defensive psychological pattern is well understood by clinicians and it makes a lot of sense to me intellectually. My task now is to face and feel into the original sadness/pain/fear and let it run its course - but of course this doesn't feel safe and my body has practiced heading off in other directions - any direction! - but feel that sadness and pain.

So, here I am, adrift on a cocktail of distress, exhaustion, shame and slow panic, knowing that the only way round it is actually through it, but unable to make any forward motion. Marooned. I have long used the evokation of films to get my tears and pain flowing, and I tried this yesterday without the release I sought. This can make me feel I've doubly failed ironically. I know this thought is not helpful (nor true) so I dismiss that silly critic and try to love myself along the way.

I will meet with my psychotherapist next week and hope I have the courage to go deep with him and access/release/experience the griefs I keep bundled up for fear of disintegrating and alienating myself. In the meantime I'm expecting family to stay, good people with whom I will try to be open and gentle and not hide myself too much. It is  probably my son's wellbeing I'm most concerned about. How hard it must be for him to see me struggle so much to be 'normal', to be happy, to live my life in forward motion. My self-development is now for his future as much as for my own. When I'm more free and available to myself I will be more free and available with him. Something all good relationships are made from.

So I'm very weary, less desperate than in the past, but trepidatious about how I can get myself safely from here to there, the place where I can set down my bundle and let it all flow.

Thoughts and reflections very welcome.

Annas

[therising]

Hi Annas

You've chosen a courageous and challenging path, with the first step being your proclamation that you will walk it as you seek to gain greater self understanding along it. Emotions or certain energies in motion that we can feel moving or churning within us can be so hard to identify and make sense of at times. I'm so glad you've found a trusted guide to help light the way for you.

I've found waking up to certain emotions to be surprising at times and also liberating in some ways. It's kind of like 'What is this feeling that feels so incredibly overwhelming?'. To wake up to the realisation that it is 'overwhelming heartache' or that is it is 'the feeling of having lost all direction' to a fearful or depressing degree or, on the lighter side, it is 'the feeling of unspeakable love through the experience of pure joy and devotion' can become an 'Oh, wow,' moment, 'I had no idea that this is what I've been feeling'. Of course, 'Now, where did that stem from?' becomes the next question on the quest. There is an entire language of emotion through which we can feel. It's strange to think we can spend more than a decade at school, mastering the language of English for example, yet rarely are we taught the language of emotion or feeling, something that is such a significant part of our nature, something we were born to come to understand. The need to eventually learn often comes out of a sense of desperation.

While it can be a challenge for children to manage living with a parent who suffers in ways through certain mental health challenges, I would have to say there can be some advantages too. As a mum to a 21yo gal and 18yo guy and as someone who's experienced the challenges of depression especially, we freely talk about depressing and anxiety inducing stuff. We talk about nervous systems, emotions, feelings, the need to master the ability to feel and so much more. There is no shame when it comes to how anyone feels in our house, it's all open conversation that offers a sense of freedom of expression. I'm not sure I could have offered such a home to my kids, if I'd never experienced depression and anxiety to some degree for myself, and I'm not sure they would have developed the freedom to openly speak about their feelings. One of the benefits to being a feeler and living with other feelers is...I can say to my kids 'I have no idea what I'm feeling'. Sounds kind of amusing but they'll try and get a feel for what I'm feeling and then once they've got a sense of it they'll tell me what the feeling or emotion is. Typically, they're spot on. Sensitive people exercising their ability with other sensitive people go on to become intuitive people. Not having anyone to exercise with can present problems, with a sense of loneliness being one of those.

I wish you nothing but the best on your path and I wish you revelations that, while being painful at times, will come to offer you a sense of liberation that allows you to truly feel your freedom and your progress through your evolution ❤️

[Annas1]

Your thoughts and encouragement are generous and helpful TR - I really appreciate the care you have taken to respond with ideas and reflections for me to consider. The path to growth is hard, but it is the path to our true selves and thus worth the effort and the struggle. So I will stay the path, encouraged by you and many others. Thank-you.

And I agree that our lack of emotional education is an extraordinary gap in schooling. Hilary Jacobs Hendel has some good resources focused on filling this gap, including helpful guides on basic emotions, secondary defensive emotions and behavioural defences. This has clarified much of my own experience and been another source of encouragement and validation as I travel closer to my true self.

Deep thanks TR.