Confronting husband about his hoarding

[Ranga-1]

Hello, everyone.

Those who've seen my previous posts will know I have a husband who has been very sick and an adult son with some mental health issues.

The good news is my son has been making an effort to practise his drumming every day. My psychologist says it's a good sign that his mental health is improving.

I have mentioned my husband has isolated himself in the shed. The problem I have is that he has been hoarding rubbish (literal rubbish, but not food scraps, thankfully). He has cleaned the shed before, but it has started again. He had an ABI about 15 years ago, so maybe this is a result of that. 

I am at the point where I want to move out for my own good. I am going to speak to my husband after Christmas and tell him that I have to make decisions that are good for ME. It's not an actual separation, but we do need space. I am very unhappy with the dynamic of the house and our relationship. 

I am thinking of suggesting a specialised cleaner (who deals with hoarding etc) come in every two months if he cannot face the thought of cleaning the shed. 

Has anyone else ever lived with this situation?

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome to the forums. And thank you for sharing your story.

As i was reading your story (as you told it) many things came to mind. 

I am guessing that when you were talking with your therapist, you did not get the chance to chat with them about how to approach the situation?

And then... regardless of that, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink. All I can control is what I do. Bit like the prayer of serenity.

This does not mean necessarily mean there is nothing that can be done. There are different communication styles that could be used (?) to get your point across and hopefully find some common ground. These are things I have spoken with my psych. about since I started seeing her. If you are interested I could talk more about that.

Putting that part aside, I can imagine (but not get the true extent) of what you would be feeling in this situation.  You just want to the best for the other person. And at the same time there are things are thing (the hoarding) this seems to be eating away at you. You deserve to be heard

[Croix]

Dear Ranga-1~

Welcome back. As I look back though your past posts and what you say in this one you have been having a very hard time with no easy solutions.

On the other hand some things do seem to have worked themselves out, or at least are a bit better. Your son is more motivated and active, you passed your second attempt at placement and have become qualified and now have a job. 

I can quite understand having put to much effort and money into the house, which is still not finished, that this is frustrating and even unfair. Having a husband who is no help and hoards junk in his shed can leave you realizing you carry all the problems yourself, with no help. Again unfair.

I'm glad you have psychologist for some support, I hope it helps. However that by itself is a bit isolated from daily life. Up until now you have not involved family in this, and It may well be his mum, or your kids, can persuade him not just to see a doctor for being unwell, but also to be diagnosed for his tiredness and lack of motivation and retreating to his shed.

Then hoarding may be a symptom of something else, the ABI perhaps, and does need specialist treatment. The up side is that it has not spread to the house, so may not be critical at the moment - you would be a better judge of that.

From memory (forgive me if I've made a mistake) you were planning on living in town during the week due to your job, something that might lessen the pressure on you. Can I suggest that you give things time and also see what his family can do? Calling in the lawyers is a very drastic and final step and really does need to be a last resort.

Wiht the correct treatment your husband may improve significantly, though I guess it is as much a matter of encouragement for small wins than an ultimatum.

I hope matters are better soon and good luck with the job

Croix

[Ranga-1]

Thank you so much. Yes, I am very excited about this block of work. It's a four-week casual stint whilst another teacher is on a placement elsewhere. I'm staying in this other town weeknights, which is going to be good. I like this town, too. I think this stint will lead to other work at this school.

I will speak to husband as soon as I can and stress that a disorder is NOT his fault, but it must be addressed because of the impact it has on his loved ones, as well as health and safety issues. Maybe he will agree to having a professional hoarder-cleaner in every few months, but he must seek help. I have informed him before that I resent having sunk money into a place that isn't finished or being properly looked after. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel resentful. 

I agree that encouragement is better than an ultimatum, but I will discreetly speak to the local women's legal service. I actually do have a legal background and heaps of lawyer friends and family, but I don't want to involve them. It would humiliate my husband and I'm not willing to do that. My sister and her husband are lawyers, but my sister and I have had a fractious relationship over the years (not so bad now), and she's always been a bit offhand about mine and my brother's spouses (I think my sister is a snot, to be honest!).

[smallwolf]

Hello again,

I am unsure exactly which reply I was posting to in this thread. Really sorry. But this time I am certain! You said...

"I will speak to husband as soon as I can and stress that a disorder is NOT his fault, but it must be addressed because of the impact it has on his loved ones, as well as health and safety issues."

My psych told me a story about a farmer and a sheep. Each morning, the farmer let the sheep into the paddock. At the end of each day, the farmer would then call the sheep back. In the day time, the sheep would make its way to furthest point from the gate. When called by the farmer to come in, the sheep would take a well worn track. The "problem" with the track was somewhat long and windy and take longer than it could. One day, sheep decided to run from that furthest point straight to the gate. On this first occasion, this was an unpleasant trip - there were stones on the ground and sticks getting in the way if not the longer grass compared with the smooth well-trodden path. Pained by what happened on the first day, on the next day, sheep went back to the old track. Again it took longer. For the next few days sheep would flip-flop between the old and new paths. As sheep did this, the new track, ever slowly, became smoother - the rocks and branches would be kicked off the new path. The existing path became rougher from lack of use. Then there came a point where the new track became smoother than the old track. The new track would become the chosen path. But every once in a while the old path, hardly visible, would be used.

Also, there are ways to addressing the situation that helps you to 'get what you want' without putting the other person down. And the fact you mention the health and safety issues also shows that you care about him. I hope it works out for you both.