Confronting husband about his hoarding

[Ranga-1]

Hello, everyone.

Those who've seen my previous posts will know I have a husband who has been very sick and an adult son with some mental health issues.

The good news is my son has been making an effort to practise his drumming every day. My psychologist says it's a good sign that his mental health is improving.

I have mentioned my husband has isolated himself in the shed. The problem I have is that he has been hoarding rubbish (literal rubbish, but not food scraps, thankfully). He has cleaned the shed before, but it has started again. He had an ABI about 15 years ago, so maybe this is a result of that. 

I am at the point where I want to move out for my own good. I am going to speak to my husband after Christmas and tell him that I have to make decisions that are good for ME. It's not an actual separation, but we do need space. I am very unhappy with the dynamic of the house and our relationship. 

I am thinking of suggesting a specialised cleaner (who deals with hoarding etc) come in every two months if he cannot face the thought of cleaning the shed. 

Has anyone else ever lived with this situation?

[Croix]

Dear Ranga-1~

Hi, it is good to talk to  you again and I'm pleased that your son is showing signs of improvement, it has been a constant worry for you for a long time.

If I understand matters correctly your husband is always in his shed and hoarding material that may seem pointless to you.  You also say he has Acquired Brain injury and is not able to work.

This is a very difficult situation that does require skilled professional care rather than talking o him and  pointing out the matter needs fixing.

If one adds in ABI than the matter my be even more complex, and could account for his hoarding and being in the shed all the time.

I am not sure that explaining matters to him would be productive, perhaps professional help could have better results.

You are right that you have to look after your own welfare too, and balancing the needs of someone  you love with the burden it places on you is very difficult. The only thing I can say is that if you are for example burnt out as a carer both at home and at work you need to be in a better place ot look after others.

As far as a specialized cleaner goes they can do a good job however I'd suggest checking with his clinician to see what effect such a clean-up might have on him. For example he may feel lost.

Do you have anyone to support you with your children and this situation? A family member or friend perhaps? Going it alone is very hard.

Croix

[Ranga-1]

Thank you for your support. My immediate family (siblings) don't know and I don't want them involved. 

He knows I hate the situation of the shed. I have, pursuant to my psychologist's advice, asked pointed questions. He has admitted he does not know why has let it get this way, but I don't think he particularly LIKES the shed being like that, either.

I am worried about the health and safety. Although the rubbish is confined to the shed, I am worried about the safety of it. 

It's not fair - I have sunk my inheritance into payout out our mortgage and doing stuff/renovations, but this is likely not going to help with the value of the house. If he does not agree to intermittent cleaning, I will have to speak to his mother and ask for financial assistance to help me move out.

I will keep you informed. 

[Sol]

Hi Ranga,

I've read through your post and reply and it's a very difficult situation that you're in. Does your husband have his own psychologist? I wonder if a professional could help him unpack why the hoarding is an important behaviour to him. As for your comment about prioritising your own needs, I think that's a mature and healthy mindset to have.