New job trauma & panic

[loonalemon]

I have been out of work for four years. I'm in my 30s and spent most of my life working retail. I'm late-diagnosed autistic, and have cptsd which I was only diagnosed with over the past few years. I used to feel trapped at my job and was in constant burnout, attempted suicide twice. Since then I was lucky enough to be able to move cities and get some space to take care of myself. I spent years working on my mental health, healing trauma, and improving my ability to function. For the first time, I had started feeling happy and wanting to live. My mental health had literally never been better. I was with a regular job provider for awhile, and changed to a disability provider. They have been great to work with, but the job market is brutal right now. I wanted to not do customer service anymore, and not too many hours to start with because I get overwhelmed easily, with the possibility of increasing hours as I adjusted. I've had a esat done and they put me in the 15-22 hours bracket. 

I finally got a job doing hotel housekeeping. Yesterday was my first day. I should have spoken up about how many hours I could manage, especially since I have the esat, but I'm not good at speaking up for myself or asserting my needs. I have a lot of job trauma and am falling into old negative patterns. They added extra hours to my original roster, so I have four days this week and five straight next week. I was already feeling very anxious about that because I know even if it goes well I'll probably be in chronic burnout by the end of that. I figured I would talk it through with my job provider but my next appointment is not until next week. I just want to talk the situation through with someone and discuss my options, and I'm starting to really feel my lack of support system - I have cut contact with most of my family, the two friendships I managed to make here fizzled out, and I haven't been in therapy for awhile (although I should probably prioritise getting back in while this is ongoing). I feel isolated. 

The first day was okay except I can't stay present when I'm in a new situation taking in so much new information, so I ended the day completely dissociated. I didn't seem to have access to my usual grounding and breathing techniques. I just checked out. After getting home I cried for hours. I managed to pull myself together and do some jouralling, processing, yoga, cuddling my cat, using distractions. I made a plan to continually check in and ground myself today, to not self-abandon. I got a goods nights sleep. Today was awful though. The person training me today was mean. No other way to put it. I started getting panicked and overwhelmed, then making mistakes. I tried to slow myself down, told the trainer that I was sorry, I know she was behind and I was slowing her down, but that I was going to be slow for awhile, I needed to focus or I would mess up. She didn't take that well. I ended up having a panic attack and went home. Now I am panicking about going back tomorrow after having a panic attack and crying at work. I'm so embarrassed - I know I shouldn't be, but I am. In the past I would have done anything I needed to get through a shift without showing too many cracks, until I could go home and break down in private, but today I knew I needed to remove myself from the situation. I'm happy I did that for myself, but I'm so ashamed and even more stressed about tomorrow. My confidence has evacuated, after feeling like I just couldn't keep up or get it right today. I felt like I needed to talk to someone but there is nobody who is safe so for now I am posting here, just to feel like I am seeking some support. I hate existing under capitalism. I have been doing SO WELL and it feels like this is setting my progress way back. I don't know what to do. 

[Lanzy]

Hello,

I recently have started up work after four years of unemployment, too. It's very daunting, isn't it? I think it takes great courage for us to stand tall on our two feet and step back into the workplace. My anxiety has been more about flashbacks to my previous job when I had a huge mental breakdown and lost my job & house I'd worked really hard to obtain with my own mortgage. I think I'm also concerned about the workload, and the stress and that it might overwhelm. The 'What if?' questions can really eat at you.

Personally I've found that if I just focus on each task and on one hour at a time, rather than think about the whole day day or week that's ahead and how daunting it looks, I can just concentrate on what's in front of me and what's happening right then. I'll take some breaths, and try to focus on 'what am I doing now?' Other times I'll try focus on things in the room or what I'm using, or what's in front of me. Then I'll tell myself I can 'just do this hour' and get through it. Then when the daunting thoughts come back 'I dunno if I can do this', I try and focus on what's in front of me again.

I don't know if these techniques can help you. And I'm not trying to teach you stuff you might already know or received coaching on. All I can say is that I think you've been very brave taking on work again. I have only worked in hospitality a couple of times and it is a very demanding and at times thankless job. It sounds like the trainer was very impatient and not willing to empathise with your situation. That must have been really tough to deal with. I think it's good that at the moment you knew your limits, and when you had your panic attack you took time to step back and go home. Some people at your work won't understand this, because they lack the knowledge to understand what anxiety is and how it can effect people. What matters is that you took steps to look after yourself and reset, rather than force yourself to stay and possibly end up in a worse situation.

I think it's great you're self aware of your condition and our limits. I think with this knowledge and some steps to help manage it you can find ways to help mange your work/life balance and your stress at work.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time where you're facing so much self doubt when it comes to your ability to manage.

Personally, I think you're a legend. The amount of work you've done in the way of greater self understanding and skill development is something to be so incredibly proud of. Something else to be proud of is the ability to feel or sense. Yes, I know, it's an ability that can feel more like a curse at times.

While some people just can't relate to what it's like to be a 'feeler' or 'sensitive', others who can feel or sense just about everything can significantly relate. You were all prepared to return to work. For a start, you wanted to feel just a handful of hours a week, to begin with. Perfectly reasonable. You were looking forward to sensing the supportive, compassionate and guiding nature of the person who was going to train you. What you weren't prepared for was taking responsibility for more work than what was agreed upon and a trainer who couldn't manage their own mind and emotions. If they were calm and compassionate, you would have sensed their calmness and compassion. 

I want to make it clear, it's not you. When I recall the last job I worked in, I can remember being told 'You do not want to be trained by (insert name). She's stressful and incredibly intolerant. She'll just stress you out'. Btw, I used to watch her train others and it used to stress me out, let alone them. I was actually blessed to be trained by a woman who is like and angel on earth. She was encouraging, reassuring, compassionate, calming and gave me the confidence I needed. While I was slow to begin with (very), she managed us not falling behind based on her experience. Over the years, I came to train others in the same way.

As a feeler/sensitive who has graduated to higher levels of ability, you were not prepared for the level you faced. Kind of like if you've graduated to level 32 (based on all your achievements in getting up to that level of managing), you could look at it as having faced a level 56. Just making up those numbers by the way. Imagine a 56 equates to emotionally detaching in order to 'Tell it how it is'. For example, you feel the trainer's intolerance and agitation and then you detach from feeling it before telling the truth, 'You know, I can sense your intolerance and agitation and it's not doing me any favours'. Speaking the absolute truth can partly be based on trusting what you feel. You actually did tell the absolute truth, that you knew she was behind, you were going to be slow for a while and that you needed to focus or you would mess up. She ignored the truth. You could say she was ignorant. What she was also ignoring is speed comes with practice and experience. It was your first day.

Something to consider might involve the idea that there's no time for attention to detail, until you begin to pick up speed. What finer details could you leave out? Forget dusting the rooms, for example, just focus on what's most obvious. And if the person training you says 'You have to do the dusting', just say 'I can easily feel there's just no time for that at the moment. I'll get it done next time'. When it comes to the added hours, you could consider mentioning 'Having had a better look at my schedule, I realise I don't have the time to manage some of the extra hours'. You don't have to say 'My schedule involves meditation, self soothing exercises and detoxing from the woman training me😁'.