Compassion Fatigue - How to Deal with it?

[Nowornever]

In this first post I want to say thank you to Beyond Blue, I called the line several weeks ago and it helped me went through my worst break down. Whoever it was on the other end of the line, you have a kind soul, and amazingly professional.

I'm 33 male living with my partner, she's 26. We are both young and even younger at heart. I myself went through some really bad episodes of depression in my late 20s. My partner has a pretty severe social anxiety. We both work, I'm a marketing manager with really fast paced work, she works part time in hospitality. I have supported her in every way possible and encouraged her to start her own business. She went from total isolation to being able to force herself to go to work although it will drive her to heightened state every time she needs to go to work. She doesn't took meds as she didn't feel very good on it and we are not sure we can afford psychologist help. We don't have friends, I couldn't care less for social interaction and she is too afraid of it.

I just feel tired of being supportive... Emotionally drained and increasingly apathetic towards many things. I'm constantly being viewed as an enemy every time we enter a argument. And we argue if I try to suggest a positive thing for her self improvement. She feels that she is under attack and I'm her enemy. I feel that I'm alone while I'm trying really hard to support her. I go under a lot of stress myself and all I can do is suck it up and go through it as I don't have support.

Our personality are polar opposites, I'm a type A and she is type B. She's an easygoing Cancer, I'm a structured Virgo. But we love each other dearly as we are different and support each other. She keeps me grounded and reminds me that I'm a human being with a soul while I help her see and navigate the realities of the world.

I feel we are drifting apart with each argument. How do I approach her when I want to share something that will improve her life? What do I need to do look after myself? What do I do if we enter an argument? Is there any technique to remind myself that I need to be more patient? How do I cope with holding back with myself? How do I grow a support network for myself when I don't have time?

I feel better already writing this rant. I know the reason why I'm posting this is so I can get this out to at least someone, who will read this. Does not matter if there is no solution, or there is no help. I feel thankful, I feel more content.

Cheers,

Depressed partner.

[Nowornever]

Just realised this post is probably better suited at the Supporting family and friends section, apologies!

Should have gone through the forums properly, sorry I was just trying to cope.

[Croix]

Dear Nowornever~

Welcome and please don't worry too much about where you put your first post, it does relate to anxiety anyway.

I think you are asking the wrong question, instead of asking how you can be a more effective solo long term support for your partner you might be better off asking how that support base can be broadened. Everybody finds as time goes on it gets harder and harder to keep offering the same things and finding them ineffective or knocked back for seemingly no good reason.

Continual arguments are destructive, too many and the relationship as a whole will suffer. Both of you have to try to look after the other's health, not just you.

It also sounds like a support network for you , something you did mention, is increasingly necessary. So do you have anyone you can talk with, family or friend? Getting increasingly tired, emotionally drained and apathetic is not good. If it was me I'd see my GP and set all this out. You don't really want to become ill yourself.

I'd also make sure I lived a life that included regular things for my own distraction and enjoyment, to keep a balance. A healthy lifestyle with exercise, nutrition and sleep is also needed.

From what you say it seems clear your partner requires professional help. Again this starts with a GP, setting out her thoughts and feelings in detail during a long consultation. Then being assessed for depression or anxiety and seeing what is recommended. It's no good wondering about expense, find out the facts first.

Unfortunately you cannot make your partner seek help, only encourage. Not only does she have to be the one to actually go to the doctor but if therapies are offered she has to want to actively participate and really want them to work.

OK, I've said a fair bit, I'd really be pleased if you came back and said what you thought.

Croix

[Nowornever]

Croix, thanks so much for your reply. I'm just making origami waiting for some response. Somehow this time it's much harder than usual, I guess all the pent up stress is coming loose at the same time. I have decided that I will be bluntly honest about my feelings and how I'm coping here at BB. And I want to keep posting, to share my journey and hopefully to give back as well from time to time.

We have never really considered the GP as we used to be barely able to make ends meet. The thought of having to take up medical care scares us, even now today when we are way off better than we used to be. I will seriously consider contacting a GP about this, at the same time the skeptical and apathetic me is worrying about finding the right GP that will care enough to listen to our problems. I don't want to see a GP only to be referred to a psychologist that will tell me to seek help from BB.

I will work on my support network more, if anyone have any suggestion on how to meet or develop this I will be very thankful. I hope there is a support group out there that I can get involved with.

For now I just have to suck it up as usual, Monday is coming and I have to be ready.

Will share more and again thank you Croix. Hope to stick around in BB and be strong.

[Croix]

Dear Nowornever~

Thanks for the reply. My first concern is you will run out of paper or be swamped in little paper figures. One of the hard things about this place is that it is not really made for quick turnarounds. Normally I look at places I've posted once a day, some people go longer, so it is pure chance if you get lots of replies or only one or two every so often - it is not a reflection on you or what you are posting about. It does take patience. Perhaps check ever day?

I agree finding the right GP -and other medical professionals - can be taxing. Many use recommendations of family or friends as a starting point. I seriously doubt any psychologist is simply going to refer anyone to bb, though they might say it is a useful extra support.

I guess you simply have to try and see what happens. As for support groups I'm afraid we do not recommend particular groups, sorry about that. The personal support I was mentioning was more in line with family or friends.

I hope things start to work out for you both, and look forward to hearing how you are going

Croix

[Nowornever]

Hi Croix,

Didn't meant to be passive aggressive and sorry if I looked like I was trying to look sad. I was just trying to cope and share about it.

I was up to my third paper (I'm slow) when my partner insists on me to go have a chat with Headspace online.

It helped immensely. This guy named Rob helped me walk out of the maze. Please don't tell him I'm actually 33 and in such case shouldn't have used Headspace.

I would actually try to get her to do this too when she's really anxious. Because I can say it actually works.

We will still avoid the GP.

I will post here when we have another argument, pretty sure we will. Hope that I don't need to update this thread so often.

Cheers,

Depressed partner.

[Croix]

Dear Nowornever~

You did not come over that way at all, I was simply concerned you were hanging out for a reply and did not want you disappointed.

I'm very pleased you have had some support and realy hope it makes things better

Croix

[Guest_1055]

Hello there,

This may sound strange but I really enjoyed reading your first post. It actually sounds like a beautiful relationship you have there with your partner.

I have a couple of suggestions coming from my experience being married to my hubby. Sometimes, well a lot of times I do not want my hubby to fix me or suggest ways I can improve myself. When I speak about myself to him, I just want him to really listen to me and to feel that he understands me. I don't feel attacked then, but rather cherished, accepted and like he his on my side. ie "not the enemy"

Anyway is it possible or have you considered your partner may desire the same thing. And not want to be fixed by you?? Just a thought...

Also I am in the process of learning about conflict and what it is and how to manage it in a healthy way in my relationship. Conflict resolution I think it is called. Maybe you could look into that if you haven't already? Less scary then arguments.

And agree with Croix , you do need to make sure you are looking after yourself well with exercise, healthy eating , proper sleep etc.

Anyway thanks again for your post, you main aim maybe was to receive some help for yourself but I saw beauty in your relationship as well. Yeah it may sound weird. But it does appear you love her.

Shell

[Nowornever]

Hi Shelley, thank you for your thoughts. Means a lot to me that someone else like you and Croix would care about me. Your thoughts give me strength.

She has shared the thing you said in the past. I think she wants the same thing from me. To be understood and not necessarily 'life coached' all the time. It's just when we argue things get incredibly murky really fast.

I feel that I need to understand my partner better, give her more breathing room to let her deal with her anxiety on her pace and grow up out of my frustrations about many things in life.

The little boy in me wishes things would go faster, 'fixes' are easier. I need to learn to let things go as it is, as with my partner. She is trying hard to empower herself, we are both trying hard in life to get things going.

We both understand many good things when we don't argue.

Will think more and reply about conflict resolution and self care when I get home from work.

[Nowornever]

Hi everyone, hope you have had lovely days and moments.Sharing again, hope you don't get tired of me sharing my meaningless and trivial problems. I hope all of you who struggle with anything find strength and peace in your journey.

We had a couple more fights, shorter and less destructive this time.

We both understand better, and maybe are just tired of spiting off each other.

She is working tomorrow, another anxiety episode sets in. She's trying to cope and wrestle with it. Communication is really hard. Can hardly get any interaction, not even body language cues or signals. It's like being in a quiet room. I feel frustrated as usual, and trying to stem my anger. My frustration feeds off her anxiety. I hate her anxiety, trying to separate it off her as a beautiful person. I wish it would go away, and not take our precious time together. I feel I'm wasting my life, having this day erased from my existence, being ignored and neglected.

Dramatic rant ends.

Thanks to anyone reading, and stay strong!