Cannot deal with anxiety...

[Butterfly20]

I am not sure if I should be posting here but here it goes.
I have been having anxiety for the past 10+ years. Usually comes and goes. However for the past 2 months my anxiety and worry thoughts have escalated and I feel like i am out of control. I lost my appetite so only eat because it is ‘necessary’, i keep waking up every night at 3/4am with panic attacks or anxiety/thoughts, i cant focus and feel like i am not completely present.
I have been on unpaid maternity leave for past 10months and due to Covid i had to start looking for new job. I was lucky to have found a job which I am meant to start in couple of weeks time. I should be happy but instead I feel like a failure, feel not good enough, questioning my decisions, feel like im incompetent, etc. in addition to that, I worry about my baby and how he will be without me. Mum will look after him but he hasnt seen her that often due to Covid restrictions so is not relaxed with her, plus im not sure if she will feel anxious too. I was hoping to do only 3days but due to finances and the type of job i need to do 4 full days instead. This means i probably wont see my baby at all for whole 4 days! Im anxious that we will loose the bond and that he wont be happy or that i wont be happy. I feel like a terrible mother. Plus I worry about the new job and learning new things with my current mental state. Additionally, i will work in health field so i worry i will catch the virus and spread it to my family!
I really dont know what to do, i feel like i am being dramatic and ungrateful especially at this time but I just cant help my anxiety. It is killing me inside.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Butterfly20, thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums. We're so sorry to hear about eveything happening in your life at the moment. We can understand why you would be feeling overwhelmed and stressed, it sounds like alot to manage. 

It might be helpful to get in contact with the National Debt Helpline or to look at the resources on Financial Counselling Australia's website: https://www.financialcounsellingaustralia.org.au/  Financial Counselling Australia/The National Debt Helpline is a not-for-profit service that helps people manage their money and tackle their debt problems. They're avaible to contact from 9.30am to 4.30pm Monday to Friday on 1800 007 007 or visit www.ndh.org.au If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 
You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

[Egbert97]

Hi Butterfly20,

Firstly, good on you for reaching out on these forums. It’s a really great first step and I can strongly recommend searching through them to find other threads about similar issues you’re going through (you’re not alone!)

You’re not a terrible mother for finding a way to provide for you and your child. Leaving him with your mother is probably the best thing you can do right now and requires a lot of resilience, & strength. You’re definitely not incompetent. I’m not sure which state you’re in or what lockdown restrictions apply but we’re quickly leaving our second wave and restrictions will be lifted soon. I doubt you’ll lose your bond through it - you’ll always be his mother. Are there any benefits you can go on? Have you spoken to your mother about these anxieties? That can also help.

I know this sounds cliche but as someone whose dealing with heightened anxiety lately I’ve found reading these forums to give me lots of reassurance that I’m not alone; that and meditation/headspace. I’m seeing a psych for the first time in 5 years Friday and I think if you aren’t seeing one either, that’d be a good step.

Sorry I couldn’t help you more & hang in there.

[Flowertop]

Hey Butterfly10

You are still postnatal and are at a higher risk of these feelings. If you could it would be good for you to contact your local community health child health facility or see your GP and let them know how you are feeling. These feelings are not uncommon. When you had your baby, services would of spoken to you about this and hoped someone was there to support you.

Guilt is a terrible emotion especially in regards to your baby. You could look in the book they gave you when you had your baby and there should be a booklet or information on who you can talk to about this. Apparently anxiety is something that can be managed. Life has changed for you and I can hear you want it to be the best experience for you and your baby.

It’s not the time we spend with our children but it’s the quality and it can be a balance. It’s great you have family that can help.,You may find you enjoy working and mixing with people.

Warm wishes to you.,