behind the mask

[bigstreamy]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I have dealt with social/performance anxiety for about ten years now, and although I've made some good progress, I still experience the major downs from time to time.

Recently, after taking a few years off to work on my mental health, I have returned back to Uni. The biggest thing that plagues my mind is the fear and shame that people will see 'behind the mask', and see the real, weak, pathetic me, and ultimately reject me. My biggest fear is that I will lose control in front of my peers to the point where I look like a blabbering, pathetic idiot. I guess the worst case scenario is if I just started crying uncontrollably in front of others. I am a very sensitive person, and often feel on the verge of tears - but never let it show.

As a male, I feel I have a lot of pressure to be strong and stoic - but what I really want is to just be vulnerable and sensitive in front of others - and feel okay for it. I put on a tough exterior, and am terrified that people will eventually see through this and judge me severely for it.

I'm sick to death of pretending I'm on top of things. Do you think it's acceptable to cry/show vulnerability in public as a male?

Thanks,

BS

[white knight]

Hi bigstreamy, welcome

Every human is an individual, unique, wonderful and special.

Society has unwritten boundaries that pigeon hole us...cry baby, sook, arrogant, idiot etc society is cruel and unforgiving. My first reaction to you stating that you have a defensive exterior, hiding your inner self is c that you are lucky but not realise it. I have a soft inner soul and a soft outer one also. Thats less ideal because people judge me wrongly and hone in on my vulnerability. Its an ongoing issue.

Hence l wrote some of my threads here pertaining to that of which you might find intetesting for your situation. Use google for the following

Topic: want to be a hermit?- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse, what is it?- beyondblue

Topic: smoke and mirrors, its not real- beyondblue

Topic: realism, you are what you are, its your nature- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: the positives of fear- beyondblue

Be yourself. If others dont like it they have the problem. That is a good goal to aim for.

Tony WK

[purplemonkey109]

Hi Bigstreamy,

I like your profile name! This is also my very first post. I think I can empathise with you. I've often felt like society expects me to behave in a certain way, and trying to be someone I'm not has been taxing on my self-worth.

I guess I would be curious to know, what makes you sensitive, and how you think this might possibly work as a strength for you? I remember growing up, my parents would tell me that I'm too sensitive, too touchy. But, I'm also a very artistic person, and I'm caring too, and I see these as strengths. Being able to develop my art has helped me to understand the world I live in, and finding friends who share a similar perspective to me, has been so rewarding and wonderful!

I am sure there are lots of people out there, who would be thrilled to have a sensitive person as a friend, and would value you and your perspective of the world. I think perhaps there's only so much you can do to accept yourself. Maybe to go further in the process, a little trust and faith in others might have surprising results 🙂

Warm wishes,

purplemonkey

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

hi bigstreamy,

I agree with Tony & purplemonkey. Be yourself. Many people will value you and your perspective of the world. You have taken the time to get to know yourself. The insight and knowledge you have gained is priceless. It is the pay-off for the struggle you have survived. What a benefit it can be, if you can acknowledge it.

There are not enough men that are willing to show sensitivity and vulnerability. Hiding behind a mask is usually obvious, but what it hides can only be speculated. Most people would imagine the worst eg a conman or a manipulator or a liar. I know that it is hard to let your guard down, but if you can try to do it you might be pleasantly surprised at the response, (especially from women??!? Lol?)

In regard to men crying, times and thinking have changed. It is now considered healthy. We teach our young boys that crying is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you should be proud to be able to show your feelings.

We recently had a great discussion on a thread started by Tony WK: Crying, a gauge to our mental strength. (use search bar at top right). This covered many views on the topic, and may give you a few perspectives as well as a fascinating read. I have pasted a few relevant scientific facts that I contributed to the thread below.

.................

From wikipedia: emotional tears have a different chemical composition. They have more hormones, including stress hormones, + potassium & manganese.

The 'average' woman cries 30-64 times a year

The average male cries between 6-17 times a year.

There is no difference between genders before adolescence!

In very early times, tears were seen as the purging of excess humurs from the brain.

About function: as a reaction to pain, to elicit altruistic behaviour from others, is a mechanism to eliminate excess stress hormone when levels are too high (so crying makes you feel better cos stress levels are lowered- the ancients were right about purging the brain!)

......................

None of us are on top of things. We expect the ups and downs. Not much point in pretending, that is only trying to fool ourself. Life is a roller-coaster. It is a huge advantage to know this, we can strap ourselves in and prepare for the ride, (both arms up in the air, screaming and crying when needed!?!)

Warmest wishes, Lee 😉