Hi all,
I've been living with anxiety. One form it's taken over the last few years is a kind of brooding, ruminating thought process, in which I fear that someone (known to me or a stranger) will falsely accuse me of a criminal act (sexual harassment or violence against them), in order to express anger and/or profit from compensation. The fear is general and doesn't concern a specific person, location, etc. It's just a generalised fear of being victim of a false allegation.
I've done many bad things; I'm hardly a saint. I have made off-colour jokes that offended people, said hurtful things, broken promises and failed people when they needed me. I feel regret and tried to apologise and make amends when I could. I have maintained most of my friendships, but I also lost a few regrettably.
As far as I'm aware, I have never committed any act of sexual harassment or violence, or any kind of physical abuse, either threatened or acted upon. I was only subject to occasional low level of abuse (spanking) from my father as a child, and have been physically threatened only twice in my life, by someone I shared a house with. (I never reacted in any untoward way, but simply fled the situation.)
I'm not sure of the origins of these fears, but I worry I might have some kind of neurological condition. I had a phone conversation with a close family member. I was in a state of high anxiety and anger during the call, and unfortunately, I said some very unkind and hurtful things which I now deeply regret. During the conversation, she said that I was not in a healthy state of mind, and said that I need help and probably should see a psychiatrist and may need to be medicated.
I don't know how serious she was, but her concerns may well be justified. I've saw a psychologist regularly for years and she helped me a lot with my anxiety. The last year I stopped seeing her, because I was feeling much healthier and didn't feel the need, and she expressed a similar thought. But now, after that conversation with my family member, I'm strongly considering resuming my appointments with the psychologist and/or seeing a psychiatrist (or maybe both).
Thank you for reading and sorry for the long-winded message. It helps a lot just putting my thoughts into words.
Love and peace to all
