Anxiety over a blackout

[Coconutpancake]

So I have a fear that I have cheated on my partner every time I drink and don’t remember something. I am in no way a heavy drinker. Maybe a few beers once a month or more on a Friday due to being locked down.
I drank the other night with my housemate while on a zoom video with some of our friends. We were having a great time and I remember majority of the night apart from the end. I woke up in the morning in bed with my partner in my underwear (I like to sleep freely). Automatically I panicked and though “shit, what if I kissed our housemate?”. So I got up, checked our ensuite to see where my clothes were and they were there, I must of had a shower before bed. Even while writing this I’m automatically thinking “I must have slept with him and he put my clothes in my ensuite to cover it up and put underwear on me. Aaah!
Anyway I got up because I had to work from home and I was nervous to see him because I had convinced myself already that something happened. I don’t remember anything, don’t have any flash backs but I found myself looking in his room, sitting on the couch where we had the zoom and even kissing my hand to see if I remembered anything. I have been looking on the internet for the past two weeks trying to find answers there to put my mind at ease. I don’t think anything is weird between him and I, but it’s like I’m trying to find things out sneakily. For example he called me hun and I’m like why the heck did you call me that?

I know this probably stems from one occasion years ago when I got drunk and according to other people I cheated on my boyfriend and kissed someone and then they said they were tricking me? Who does that?

Or is this just anxiety? I’ve always been an over thinker and think about my past and cringe and wonder what I could have done different. Like the time I was 10 and over thought so much that I thought I was a lesbian because my brother told me I was. Or when I put my dog to bed in the laundry and remember the tap was leaking and it might flood the laundry and he would get hypothermia.

I feel like I have something I’m hiding from my partner - why do I feel like this? Does it mean I did do something? Help!

[20girl101]

I believe you are just overthinking it. I have anxiety myself and overthinking and anxiety never mix! Our minds just make up things to try and feed the thoughts and then we spiral out of control and believe things that aren't true! Trust me I know! My brain has convinced me that I don't love my boyfriend, which in fact I know I do. The brain can play a lot of games with you, you need to stop overthinking! I know it's hard but try your best.

I'm here for a chat.

[Coconutpancake]

Thank you for your response. I truely hope so.
It’s just so imbedded in my mind. Like if someone mentions something sexual like a act or position, I automatically think “did I do that?”
my mind just feels out of control really. It’s hard too because his our housemate and friend. What if I did? Like would I know? Would he know? How would I know if he knows? Haha

this has been going around in my head for the past two weeks - goodness, you should see my google searches.

[20girl101]

I know exactly what you mean. I have done so much research as well it's crazy! BUT KEY IS TO STOP LOOKING UP ONLINE. It's the worst thing you can do it, it implants a seed in your head and then when you are second guessing and such, it uses that against you. It's really really crazy. It's just our brains feeding off our fear.

Talk more if it helps, i'm here.

[Coconutpancake]

Thoughts are getting worse over a sexual comment involving my private parts.
Now I am having thoughts of having sex on the couch and imagining images in my head. Would I know if I did? Did this actually happen? Would I know if it happened?

I am so scared and feel like I have something to confess to my partner, even though it’s most likely not true - it feels so real.

obviously not going to drink anymore because I feel I can’t trust myself and I cannot put myself through this anymore.

someone please help.

[Coconutpancake]

Has anyone had this before and it’s been true?!

[Emmen]

Hello Coconutpancake,

It sounds like you've been spiralling into this "what if" scenario. It's clear that this is your anxiety speaking. The question I'd like you to ask yourself is, what are the evidence that make you feel this way? From what you have shared, there's no concrete evidence to suggest you have cheated on your partner. Hiding your clothes in an ensuite, in a manner that's so natural to you, sounds like too much effort for your housemate, don't you think? As for waking up in underwear, you could have left it on yourself because you were drunk.

Your friends didn't help the situation by lying to you that you kissed someone else when you were drunk. As mean as that was, people do say stupid things after a night of drinking, so don't take that to heart.

I agree that stopping alcohol (for now at least), is a good idea. Once you have got your anxiety under control, you can start again, although perhaps not so much that you get drunk (since that may cause the anxiety to flare up).

For now, I really don't think you have anything to confess to your partner because, based on what you say, it seems nothing happened.

Take care,
M

[20girl101]

Trust me, it is all in your head! The mind is crazy! Best thing to do is just let the thoughts float in and just float out. I know how you are feeling, believing things that aren't true. My thoughts have turned my whole relationship upside down and it's not fun at all. Things will get better ! Go and talk to a psychologist, they do help. I have my next appointment on Thursday.
DON'T BELIEVE THE THOUGHTS

[bluegirl94]

Hey hun, 

This happened to me too. I went out on a night out with my brother and mate. I saw my ex out. My brother came up to me and said "did you just kiss" (about me and my ex and I said no as we didn't. I said im in relationship wtf? In front of my ex. Then later that night a girl went up to my brother and said she saw me kiss someone. I woke up in the morning remember most of the night (or so I thought) having no anxiety cause I didn't think anything bad happened I walked down and my brother told me that this girl told him that she saw me "cheat" and kiss someone. I immediately defended myself cause I didn't believe it to be true AT ALL. I then started second guessing myself and freaking out so I told my partner that someone had said this to my brother and was completely honest about saying I didn't do it but I want to be honest. He took it really well and believed me. I still don't believe it happened and know I couldn't do that but that anxiety lingers at the what if and cripples me because I know that's not me. Especially because I do have blackouts on nights out.

The only way I feel better about it is expressing to my partner that there was this accusation and that I was honest. 

Im giving up alcohol for a bit because it honestly makes everything so much worse. And no I still don't feel 100 percent about it but I know in all of my hearts if I did do something I would tell him and I can't remember that ever happening. 

All I can now do is back myself and let what will be, be. I can't punish myself for something that I don't remember ever happening. 

Instead of being in that grey area, maybe make a subtle comment to your housemate saying, we got smashed. I don't even remember going to bed. And see what he says. If he doesn't say anything like "do you remember kissing" then accept nothing happened and then move on. And everytime that anxiety comes up, disregard it and say out loud "nothing happened". That's all you can do hun. Goodluck. Anxiety is the worst 😞 

[EllyJoy]

I used to be just like this! 

And once I did actually flood a laundry at work LOL. 

Sometimes I'm so stressed I end up doing something silly because I can't concentrate. 

I feel you are stressing so much about potential things that haven't really happened. 

In my opinion the best thing you can do is talk to people you trust . 

I tell my boyfriend all my crazy thoughts like ,"I think all my co workers hate me" or "what if I'm never any good at anything?!" 

And he supports me and helps me to rationalise things. It's hard for me to always see situations clearly. 

So I would talk to someone trusted and say"hey I get really scared about drinking and doing something crazy, like kissing someone else or cheating. I would never do that and don't want to but I can't erase the fear. It's just what my mind tells me". Then they can look out for you, and tell you that everything is okay and nothing happened. 

Talking situations over with someone trusted to get their view point is really helpful to me.