Hello Guest_44066160 and wave to therising,
I very much relate to the thoughts you describe and have pretty much had the same feelings and words in my head. I have also dealt with both depression and anxiety. I can share what I've learned about myself, in case it helps, keeping in mind it is what has made sense for me.
With depression I have experienced this as a form of collapse and freeze, whereas with anxiety it is a much more active state (e.g. fight-or-flight). I've learned quite a bit about the Window of Tolerance model which you may find helpful to google. When the nervous system is too activated in one direction it tends to go into the fight-or-flight response, and if that goes on for too long it can go into a kind of freeze response which for me is when my system goes into depression. In order to get back to some kind of homeostasis, the body has to pass from the depression through anxiety (fight-or-flight) before it gets back into balance. So sometimes coming out of a depression can feel stressful when passing through the anxiety phase, especially if you get stuck there for a while.
What I have gradually learned over time is distress tolerance - the ability to understand that my body is trying to communicate with me about perceived threats and that I'm not really in danger, but my body is bringing up those feelings. I'm learning to just be present with the feelings and allow them to release when they are ready. But sometimes I can feel stuck again and kind of shift between depression and anxiety. The worst thoughts are from the depression which is the really stuck phase, but as I start to come out of the depression, that is when those thoughts get really active (because fight-or-flight is a much more active state). So it's like a physical patterning in the body that I've become aware of and I'm learning to ride the waves of those patterns without judging them and being kind to the messages from my body and mind which are actually, in their own way, trying to help me. In a sense I'm learning to care for my inner anxieties and thoughts as I would for a small child I was supporting. I have learned to be much more nurturing towards myself, and in that process the nervous system does learn to start calming down.
Those are just some thoughts from what is working for me. But what also helps and is integral for me is co-regulation. That is where your psychologist comes in. Ideally they should be really attuning with you which helps your nervous system to feel safe. So it's not just a case of not running away from thoughts, but being able to sit with thoughts and feelings with a safe other. Quite literally our nervous systems align with one another, and just having someone else be present with you can be the catalyst for the nervous system beginning to know safety. The more this happens, the more safe we feel, and the more confident and less anxious our mind and body become. With my psychologist I have learned to actually cry and be vulnerable in front of another person for like the first time ever. I just never did that with anyone before. That begins to break down the inner resistance to feeling my own feelings and knowing my own thoughts. I'm not saying you need to cry in front of your psychologist, though its's completely fine if you do, but that they can provide a safe holding space in which you can learn to release the anxious holding patterns and recurrent thoughts. You might be able to talk with your psych about the Window of Tolerance and co-regulation which they will probably know about. Take care and all the best.
