Anxiety about trip and friendship

[WritingDamsel]

Hi,

I could really do with some advice on how to deal with the upcoming trip I'm heading off on tomorrow morning.

I'm going on my first interstate trip by myself since the death of my mother in January of this year and over the last few weeks I've found myself getting more and more anxious about it. My two predominant anxieties about the security accomodation I've booked and the friend I'm meeting.

At my friend's insistance, I ended up booking a room in a pub/hotel, which is having an all night party the second night I'm there. The hotel mentioned on its website that it prides itself on the security of its rooms but I can shake the image of a couple of drunken guys breaking into my room. I'm aware that I've seen a much darker world view since my mother's death, and this mental image is likely a result of said worldview, but I still can't seem to shake my anxiety about it.

The second anxiety about my friend feels worse, because I think it might actually be reasonable. My friend has a several severe chronic illnesses, and has also had a quite difficult year. This has lead to her asking me for several favors since my mother's death, including her living with myself and my partner earlier this year. We found the period she stayed with us intensely difficult both emotionally and financially as she wasn't a particularly considerate house guest. My partner decided he didn't want anything to do with her as a result, but I put her behaviour down to the trauma of her year and stayed in touch. I am now travelling to meet this friend to attend a concert together. When planning this trip, I outlined some needs for myself, such as a need for a hotel room I felt secure in and the ability to have some space to tour the city we are visiting by myself (having travelled together before, she doesn't tend to be willing to visit attractions that I'm interested in). This morning I received a message stating she has made plans for us throughout the trip.

I'm incredibly anxious that I've made a huge mistake booking this trip, but I feel unable to cancel or change it and so am preparing to be utterly miserable for the next few days. I'm also terrified that I will end up having a panic attack or breaking down in hysterics while I'm away from my support network.

Any suggestions for coping with experiences you know (or at least a fairly certain) will trigger anxiety?

Thank you for taking the time to read all this!

[Here_I_am]

Hello WritingDamsel,

It sounds like this is a really horrible situation surrounding what could be a very exciting and happy event; heading away from some time out to see a show and a different part of the country is usually something that is a positive experience. I feel for you that it has become tainted with these concerns and worries.

Are you able to change your accommodation? Most cities in Australia - even regional cities - have myriad accommodation options, and if you're the one staying in the accommodation then you're the one who has every right to choose it. Do you feel confident enough in your communication with your friend to let her know that you'll be staying in a hotel of your choice; "thanks for the suggestion of the pub, but I'll be staying at the Novotel." 🙂

Secondly, clear communication is pretty much all anyone can do in regard to getting their expectations and needs met. You have stated to your friend that you want a window of alone time during your stay; it may pay to reiterate that. "Thank you for planning activities for my trip, but again I need you to respect that on the Thursday (or whatever day you want for yourself), I will be having a day on my own and will not be available for any activities."

I know this is very formulaic, however it is sometimes of value to ensure your boundaries and desires are not lost to someone else's emotional bullying (not saying this is what's happening) or their inability to recognise your needs. Some people just genuinely believe they are that awesome that you will naturally want to be with them and that you will enjoy everything they suggest more than anything you could conceive of on your own! 🙂 Stating your expectations and your boundaries around what will and will not happen consistently and without compromise will help break down these overbearing and - at times - unnecessary intrusions on your ability to choose for yourself the things that appeal to you.

If your friend is unresponsive or not respectful of your wishes in these regards, it would stand to reason that a more pointed conversation about the balance of give and take within the friendship is required! 🙂

You have every right to enjoy your time away. For that to occur, it's is important that you have control over things that matter to you. Do you feel confident in restating these boundaries to your friend; perhaps even letting her know respectfully that you feel she has crossed some boundaries you already made clear?

[WritingDamsel]

Thank you for replying so fast. Those suggestions really did help me feel more in control.

I did managed to have a conversation with the friend about overstepping boundaries and that she'd already overstepped ones I'd talked about when planning the trip. The first time we had the conversation she tried to tell me that I'd made the decisions I was unhappy with about the trip. The second time she seemed to hear me though, but immediately when back to the old behaviour about half an hour later.

I suspect this is a friendship I will need to reassess, but the suggestions in this post, and from my partner, have given me the tools to not feel guilty or anxious about doing so and I really appreciate it. Thank you.

[Here_I_am]

Hello WritingDamsel,

I am glad you found enough clarity and power to have what would be a difficult conversation for anyone to have with a friend. Hopefully this leads to a more equal and unbalanced dynamic between you and your friend. You're right that it may cause you to evaluate more carefully, and - funnily enough - when we do this it is often the other party that chooses to dissolve the friendship due to the new (healthy) boundaries and more balanced role negotiation; the anxiety we feel about being 'the bad guy' often is unwarranted as the other party becomes confronted with their own behaviour and changes, or is unwilling to change and a natural end to the relationship occurs.

All that aside, how was the concert??? 🙂