Am I the only one?

[Just Sara]

Tonight I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety and am using BB as a means of staying connected. Writing feels good and is helping to curb loneliness.

This section on sexuality and gender doesn't seem to be visited by lesbian. Although I've received so much beautiful support from men on this site, having another woman to talk with (who can relate) would be nice. As it's early days for me living as my true self, talking about this subject feels new and a little foreign. Once I got real and didn't have to face the anxiety from not feeling normal, the calm has been spoilt a little due to feeling isolated from similar souls.

It's not just banter I'd like, but to learn...it's hard to say this at my age. I read posts from gay men dealing with coming out and leaving marriages etc, and this does help. But only in a generic way if I can say that. I don't actually know why women don't post here as much, I suppose this being a mental health space has something to do with it...not sure.

Feeling isolated isn't nice at all. I thought a connection might happen with someone earlier on, but that turned out to be a near miss. I don't have any expectations and whether this is a good thing or not I'm unsure.

I would appreciate some dialog if someone is willing to engage.

Dizzy

[Cornstarch]

Oh gosh Dizzy I’m tearing up. You may not be feeling this today, and this may only be how you have felt in the past, but what really came through to me in this post is sadness.

There’s been a lot of sadness hasn’t there Dizzy.

Sex, sexuality, intimacy, connection, feeling safe and seen in the eyes of another was hijacked by a monster. I completely understand. If you’re like me and you also had a female complicit bystander, or someone that
your immature, undeveloped self perceived them as one, a cascade of trauma can be set off and it can take years to work through.

It sounds like you have already done years and years and years of work so to speak, but it is not outside the realm of possibility that new feelings and emotions won’t arise. As I said in my previous post it can bring to
the surface stuff that you didn’t know you felt.

I don’t want to say all the platitudes that people parrot off simply to allay your fears because they are afraid of strong emotion and want the conversation to be sunny so they are comfortable ie: Yes, you are correct. Someone may hurt you.

I wish that possibility didn’t exist but that wouldn’t be a world full of humans would it. There are so many users and takers in the world especially with money and all things related to finances in general.

There are just no easy answers, it’s really hard meeting people.

[Just Sara]

Corny; I just wanted to concur with Kaz about your amazing post and the way you articulate. I'm sorry I didn't mention this in my earlier post, but being self focused can become like being in a bubble sometimes. It'd be nice to hear about you if that's ok. On BB we learn from anecdotes as well as advice.

Wow Kaz! Your post hasn't disappointed as expected. Passion, romance and sparkly bricks from abroad? Oh how lovely for you! And might I say for your man also...he got a great deal.

Thankyou for complementing me and my words; positive feedback feeds the soul.

Your description of the 'empty nest' is obviously born of experience and I know that's where I am at present. I've spent 26 yrs worrying and feel a sense of loss and value. My sons' girlfriend has been a sort of focus; you know...will she do the right thing by him and replace my protective instincts? But I also have to face the fact he's not a little boy anymore...that's a process too. And yes, he's my son forever.

Dr Kim talks about freeing ourselves from habitual thinking/worry. Mmm hmm, that's me in a nutshell. Just like my mother. OMG! What am I saying?! My sisters and I often cringe about how we've become like her. lol

This point reminds me of my goal to be more positive and let go of the temptation to be a negative grumble guts. My pro's and con's list is literally overflowing with life changing wonderment.

I read advice by Dr Kim on menopause and the mood swings that come with it. Anyone facing anxiety and/or depression might be thrown into worsening hormonal changes due to this. Ahh...to be a woman.

The thing that hits me right now, is how inexperienced I am at working on myself...just for me. When I think about losing weight for instance, it's how others see me. I try to do it for me, but old memories and beliefs of being too this or that or not enough, creep up. Meeting women and feeling green is probably fuelled by these fears.

This sentiment is reminiscent of my first posts on BB. Self blame and how I cause people to hurt me needs to be swiftly given the heave-ho. I am self aware though and the process continues.

It's been wonderful chatting about women things. Nurturers and multi tasking worry warts we is...

Warm wishes and thoughts...Dizzy xo

[Just Sara]

Oh Corny;

I really need to say this; your empathy and words of expression although well intentioned, are a little off the mark. I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments so much, I really do. The point you seem to be missing, is that my current feelings are based on 'current' circumstances, not past or future. My past with 'monsters' has been dealt with. Yes things creep back now and then, but only in response to triggers that occur from what I'm facing in the 'now'.

I'm concerned for the way you seem to be 'feeling for me'. The sadness I've gone through was catastrophic; you're right in this respect and at times I never thought it would end. My cup was full for so many decades, however my hard work and success in dealing with my past has grown dramatically and continues with each passing day.

My reasons for starting this thread is to continue to live in the present with mindfulness and gratitude, knowing I've developed great strategies to confront life and its traps. My disclosures of my sexuality, feeling green and stupid have no baring on other people. It reflects issues of self awareness and this is a good thing.

Instead of tearing up for my sadness, please share in my success by cheering for me and being a friend who can help me get back my sense of confidence and greatness. I'm certainly deserving of it and so are you by the sounds of it. I think you have triggers of your own going on, so please remember I'm here for you too. My wisdom is also born of pain, but it's wisdom all the same.

You've given so much beautiful advice, so I'd like to reciprocate in kind. Protect yourself from our pain; feeling helpless when others suffer can be just as debilitating as feeling powerless from invasion. I've learned this too well. Boundaries must be created to stop us reaching out too far, as well as stopping others coming in. That's why I avoid 1st poster's sometimes as becoming overly sympathetic can cause me grief.

This has turned out to be quite a thread. If I'm off the mark Corny, I apologise. I just don't want you going through unnecessary emotions on my behalf. ok?

You're a gorgeous woman...Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

Oh my god not at all Dizzy. I love good communicators. Lousy communicators and me simply do not work. I could never be in a relationship with a lousy communicator. I'm an all cards out on the table kind of a person. None of this silent treatment mind games rubbish.

Do not worry about me tearing up. Do you know what? It's actually a god damn frigging miracle. It's my milestone. To feel, is my milestone. It is actually evidence that I am in lots of ways the healthiest I have ever been. That must sound absurd on a Depression Forum. And I have had many many people assume that about me if I have cried in public etc or in a context that they deem indicative of clinical depression. But they're just ignorant.

There are heaps of posts on this forum that I can relate to but I am sorry to say that I am completely alone with one symptom that has caused havoc in my life - dissociation. A lot of people simply do not understand it and are very uneducated about it. I saw my clinical psychologist on Friday and she started to cry when she realised how far I had come.

If I told her that I wrote a post on BB that touched me and it brought tears to my eyes she would be so proud. The 'D' word that gets all the glory is depression. And someone with my background it could be assumed at times that I was depressed. I should be depressed, but I rarely feel depressed. When I have it has been a result of one particular horrible flashback I experience but the longest it's lasted has been a day and a half.

Dissociation is misunderstood and clinicians often miss it. But unfortunately when you have an NDE at a very young age it is extremely common. I hate it. But I have to live with it. And all of the stigma and assumptions that come with starting to alleviate it such as crying. I am the poster child of stigma.

You are at a new beginning Dizzy. I can feel fresh energy coming in and C_H_A_N_G_E. Thank god for positive change.

[Starwolf]

Hi Dizzy,

I don't think we communicated before on a "personal" level, but I always enjoy reading your articulate and thoughtful posts. This new thread compels me to share a couple of thoughts...

My parenting experience started off almost immediately as a single Mum with no family support. This quickly turned into single mother to a brain damaged child (due to a playground injury). 17 overwhelming and all-consuming years.

As time went by, I kept thinking of all the things I could do when I finally managed to reclaim my life...Foolish me thought that I would actually take it up again where I left off.

First of all, previously held in check battle exhaustion set in.

Then I realised that lack of motivation was not entirely due to burn out and sudden disappearance of tension. I just wasn't who I used to be before. Those years had of course changed me but I had been so focused elsewhere that I had failed to notice. So the transition was more a journey of self-rediscovery than resuming personal life after interruption.To some extent, I believe this is what happens to all parents when children become independent and leave home. Habitual perspective shifts from impersonal to personal. Hard to keep our balance when we're not sure what personal actually means...

Some dreams die a natural death, others are kept in some sort of induced coma throughout those parenting years. This feeling of no longer knowing oneself really pulls the carpet from under the feet. Stepping into unknown territory is exciting but it is also unsettling, scary at times...particularly when it couldn't be closer to the bone ! We women often give so much of ourselves away that we easily end up becoming strangers to our selves in the process.

Focus on ourselves becomes possible but we have forgotten how to do it. Like all things unused for some time, we find that it has ceased up under the rust.

But hey, what an opportunity to reassess the contents of our psyche...the mind can become a stuffy, cluttered place. It is good to fling open its windows, let in a gust of fresh air, clear it of useless accumulation...and figure what we need to dust up for the next stretch of the journey, what it is we want to fill the empty space with.

We wouldn't be here if we hadn't been bruised and battered. We may not know exactly what we want but have a clearer idea of what we don't. You so much deserve to nurture this precious self, for a change... Your courage and insight will blaze you a trail.

[Cornstarch]

My posted reply's aren't getting through today but you're a great writer Starwolf, you sound awesome.

[Starwolf]

Thanks for the compliment Cornstarch...I thought YOU are a great writer !

I'm just an old chook who's been through Life's shredder and had to take up the challenge of putting myself back together again...one strip at a time. Still working on it...some of the pieces were more confetti than shreds !

[Cornstarch]

Dizzy and Kaz my earlier poetry was so poignant that Gandolf has not let it pass, or he has taken it to the New Yorker for publication. What can I say. I will try again.

[Cornstarch]

If I don’t make any sense forgive me because my synapses are not connecting my PTSD as been
dreadful today, my heart is all over the shop. So over that symptom making me feel like a frightened freak for no logical reason.

Thanks for being so open and honest I love good communicators. Lousy communicators and me simply do not work. I'm an all cards out on the table kind of a person.

I have just realized how silly I am being on a “Depression Forum”, and crying and being overtly emotional is symptomatic of clinical depression therefore it concerns people. Yes, Dizzy you have mis-interpreted my crying. It is actually a miracle and quite literally a milestone that I am now able to, considering how chronic my dissociation was for my entire childhood. I wish I had depression it sounds so much easier.

It’s fascinating because this keeps happening to me out in the real world as well based on my bloodline. Lets just say because of my parents stencils of stigma have been held up to me my entire life. Not one health professional looked at me with fresh eyes and if they had I probably wouldn’t have PTSD.

Getting me to a point where I could feel anything has been a milestone. But getting me to a point when emotions arise no matter how awkward it is for others I can immediately flush them out of my nervous system with tears is a miracle. I’m coming up to my 18th year of meditation practice. What it has done has made me less braced and my nervous system more porous. It has helped me to gradually fragment my dissociation, and therefore lessen my arousal and my opioid numbing which I had to use after my NDE.

I guess appearances are just appearances and I’m used to people out in the world judging me based on my parents mental illnesses, it’s expedient and it categorizes me as a known quantity. A descendent of madness will never be able to shrug that off cos it sticks pretty damn well.

You sound like you’re in a great place Dizzy in the sense that change is happening and you know yourself really well and you are looking straight ahead. How exciting! I share in your success. It is but just the beginning of more and more to come. Maybe hook in to some online lesbian chatrooms as a start. They're obligation free, just don't reply if you don't want to talk to anyone. Good luck!

[Cornstarch]

I'm so happy that you found love Kaz. We have this odd social expectation that we will all find it before the age of 40 and that is the only person you will ever love, and you will love them the most.

I look around and that is just Hollywood selling soppy movies, not real life. Some people find it later in life, and others not at all. That's just how life goes.

It sounds like you've been to hell and back. This may sound like a very strange thing to say and I don't want to minimise your suffering in anyway but reading everyone's posts on here about Bi-polar I get envious on behalf of my Mum. Bi-polar is so much more successfully responsive to treatment and you can still live a full life, remaining engaged. She has schizophrenia, the world's most severe mental illness - and her world is so tiny. About the size of a pea.

Enjoy your week.