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Alone and lost after marriage breakdown

amanda68
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for over 22 years. My husband was my help with this when I couldn’t do something like drive far or go to the shops. Now after 21 years, my marriage is over. I have the full time care of my 10 year old grandson. I only speak with my daughter and have no friends or other family. I feel so lost and sad, I have no one to talk to not even my neighbours. I put on a brave face for my grandson who has lost his Poppy after being abandoned by his parents, 3 years ago. My sadness is consuming me and I again am starting to have panic attacks. I’ve booked to see my gp on Monday, but I need to talk to someone. I do see my psychiatrist regularly by he doesn’t seem to do much for me. I feel lost and scared for the future. Thanks for listening.
18 Replies 18

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hey amanda68,

Thank you for your openness in sharing here. We can hear you're going through an incredibly difficult time as you process your marriage breakdown, and it's having a real impact on your wellbeing. 

We're sure we'll hear from the community once they spot your post, but we also wanted to let you know that you can reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service to talk this through at any time. They're on 1300 22 4636, and you can also reach them via online chat if talking on the phone isn't going to work for any reason. 

It's good to hear you have made some really important steps in making an appointment with the GP, and regularly seeing a psychiatrist. It might also be worth thinking about having a look for another mental health professional if you're not feeling very supported by your current psychiatrist. 

We can hear you're a really caring grandparent for your grandson. It's important to remember that looking after yourself is a really important part of being there for him. Another option for reaching out is Parentline, who'll be able to talk it through with you. The number for each state is listed here.

Thanks again for sharing what's going on for you here, amanda68. We're sure the community will spot your post soon. Hopefully you can find some comfort and connection in this safe and kind community. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

aisha123
Community Member

Hi amanda68, I have faith that your GP appointment will be a big help and give you some clarity/direction. Have you spoken to your daughter about you are feeling?

If your psychiatrist appointments are not helping, I think you need to make this clear to your psychiatrist too. That way you can work together to figure out the best line of treatment.

Perhaps finding a support group will help you feel more connected to other people.

You sound like a very strong and brave woman for what you've been through and what you are currently going through. Sending you a lot of love

Forrest
Community Member

Hi Amanda68.

This must be truly horrendous to go through.

Unfortunately, because of my own issues I'm not a reliable person to have an ongoing conversation with on a Forum like this; I tend to disappear and reappear and as much as I want to be able to make and keep promises don't have the control I want over my own availability. But, at least today in this moment, I want to send what love I can and let you know that you are heard, and I'm thinking of you.

Needing support to function (something I strongly relate to) can be such a constantly painful and chaotic dynamic to navigate in relationships and I know how devastating it is to also feel alone, and/or to be alone, when supports you once had burn out, change in nature, leave altogether or otherwise move on, especially in such a dramatic scenario as a marriage ending.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I can only imagine trying to hold it together for a kid at the same time. I'm no expert or professional and I hope this comment is ok to make; in my humble (but from where I sit what seems like experienced) opinion it's important to find some appropriate level of openness with children involved in a devastating situation about what's going on. A lot of times adults think that if they keep as much difficult grown up business away from kids as they can it will help them not to have to see or face all the negativity, but in my experience kids can often pick up more than adults think, and internalise it as being their fault or something to do with them.

So even though it's awful that they are affected by a negative situation, they are affected whether you are open with them about it or not, so it can be helpful to at least explain what's happening, and be "appropriately" real (not in a way that puts the burden on them of figuring out what to do or taking care of adults) about how things are affecting you, and that it's ok for them to feel whatever they're feeling as well.

It might even help them as they grow up to understand mental health issues better, doing the work of steps toward removing stigmas and through example showing them how to find the tools to cope or help where they might encounter similar issues in themselves or others down the track.

Forrest
Community Member

***section 2***

Of course, you should probably discuss these kinds of things with a professional which it sounds like you're doing your best to do, and hats off to you for slogging through the system, I know what a painful let down that can feel like as well, and, I do know that there are certain ways and moments that you have to "keep it together" for a kid (like basic functioning so they can eat and have routines etc) so credit to you for your incredibly hard work doing what you need to do for him.

Is your daughter or anyone else maybe able to spend a bit more time with your grandson more often for a while? And as I said, maybe it could be specifically and intentionally explained to him as not rejection but a chance for you to be looked after so you can do your best caring for him (and for someone who is maybe not feeling the devastation as heavily to be able to be there for him as well). I'm not in your shoes so only you can figure out what is right, but I think personally in that situation I might be looking for all the time I can get to grieve and process, and maybe around supportive people where possible.

You did say you're rather isolated, if I understood correctly, and I know that trying to meet new people and trying to find new supports is a lot to take even when things are going well, and the despair and devastation of a marriage ending can put you in a sort of fog that makes effort for new things all at once impossible and highly necessary.

I wonder if someone else maybe has some information about any agencies that can help in this kind of situation and provide some care for your grandson where it might be useful?
All I can say is try and keep trying, and be as kind to yourself as you can. (I need to take my own advice and am going through my own extreme stuff too, so I say this with a very real and raw understanding of how hard it is to swallow.) I know you're doing you're best and you have a lot to be proud of for that.
Empathy and love,
Forrest.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Amanda, hi and thanks for coming to us on the forums.

You not only have a huge responsibility being the carer for your grandson, but to try and keep on a brave face for him is certainly not as easy as it sounds, as their personality is growing so quickly, learning new demands each day which can be very time consuming for yourself, and won't enable you to have time to try and sort out all these difficulties on your own.

I wonder how the visit with your doctor went.

If you feel as though the psychiatrist is helping you, then tell them or ask your doctor for a referral to visit a psychologist who have a different approach to dealing with all of this.

From what you have told us there is much you have to deal with, starting with the marriage that's finished, the parents abandoning their young son, no one to talk to and the help which is not benefiting you.

You might have done this already but would like to hear back from you when you are available.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Forrest
Community Member
Just wanted to say am still thinking of you. I know it doesn't achieve much in terms of action, but sometimes it's nice to know you're in someone's thoughts. ❤️

amanda68
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Thank you, it is nice to know someone cares enough to reply. I have to stop the “what if’s”.

amanda68
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Thank you I was able to see my dr, today. It was really just a tell her what’s happened. I will be seeing her again next week. I just have to just keep showing up for my grandson, so one foot in front of the other. Even though I just want to hide away from the world even more.

Lila15
Community Member

Hi,

thank you for your post, you must love your grandson as he gives you strength. I understand how alone you must feel and how hard it is, but please remember that there’s help out there and if you do one little thing for yourself a day, that’s a great achievement.