Alone and lost after marriage breakdown

[amanda68]

Hi, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for over 22 years. My husband was my help with this when I couldn’t do something like drive far or go to the shops. Now after 21 years, my marriage is over. I have the full time care of my 10 year old grandson. I only speak with my daughter and have no friends or other family. I feel so lost and sad, I have no one to talk to not even my neighbours. I put on a brave face for my grandson who has lost his Poppy after being abandoned by his parents, 3 years ago. My sadness is consuming me and I again am starting to have panic attacks. I’ve booked to see my gp on Monday, but I need to talk to someone. I do see my psychiatrist regularly by he doesn’t seem to do much for me. I feel lost and scared for the future. Thanks for listening.

[amanda68]

My love for my grandson is my strength to keep going. But I don’t want to disadvantage him by my anxiety eg. I can’t drive far, so example our “family trip” we had planned for the next holidays has been canned. Really they probably are petty, but I wanted to give him every experience I could, but always had to rely on the husband to take us anywhere outside my bubble. I have to worry about just one day at a time atm. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me while I feel so bad.

[Forrest]

Still thinking of you Amanda! Every little thing you do to help your situation is something you should give yourself credit for. You went to your GP. Great job! You've got an appointment to go back again. Fantastic! You posted about your progress here on this forum. Wonderful! You got out of bed another day, breathed in and out, cared for your grandson, ate food, put on clothes. Really really good effort. It's important to consider context and capacity when deciding where to give yourself credit for effort. My heart goes out to you on the issue of transport and having relied on others. If it is helpful to you might I suggest looking up depression support groups you can attend. The rules say I'm not allowed to name organisations and events so I won't, but depending on where you live there might be something. I happen to know of one that is right now doing "hybrid" kind of meetings where they are meeting in person but you can also join via skype. It can be very therapeutic to say some of your problems aloud and see some sympathetic faces nodding, and to hear other people's stories that can be eye opening to realise might have some remarkable similarities to your own. And the regular meeting times also help in the day to day where you have a thought or feeling but you can think "maybe I'll share this at group this week" and it can help you feel less alone in the moment to moment and give you a sense of being witnessed even when there is nobody there because you can know that you have a choice to share your story somewhere where it could be understood with empathy, as well as a regular loose appointment to do so. (The one I know of has no bad consequence for not attending, you can come and go as often as you please.) Of course these forums are here for you too. 🙂 But I thought it might help you to know a group option might be there even if you don't take it - feeling like you have options is a big key to not feeling so trapped and alone imo. ❤️

[Forrest]

Just another thought on attending support groups, because I know that anxiety can make it difficult to consider talking to other people (and to navigate relating to other people live). So I thought it might also be helpful to know that from what I've experienced it is generally ok to show up to a group and not share. You'd probably be encouraged to do so, or at the very least given the opportunity. But there have been various people at various sessions who have said "I don't think I can share today, it's enough for me just being here." And it's a perfectly acceptable way to approach a meeting. Just listening in can be helpful, and many times I have found that when I think I'm just going to listen in, the topics are so engrossing that I can't help but make the odd comment here and there and then find that even that small amount of involvement and human interaction was useful.

[amanda68]

Will look into this, thanks. At the moment I feel stuck in such a sadness, tears don’t stop.

[Forrest]

I understand! In times when there is a lot to grieve and adjust to, there can be this great fog of pain and anguish that won't allow the focus needed to organise new things. Maybe your daughter might be able to help with some of the organisational things in rearranging your life to have support? At the point of impact I think most people need someone to take them by the hand a bit when they're feeling a bit out of it.

This thread is hear as a sounding board if there's any way that venting some of your grieving thoughts and feelings helps in the small moments.

[Gracie63]

Hi Amanda

I’m so sorry you are feeling so lost and scared at the moment . I just thought I’d pop on and send you a hug and tell you I hear you and am happy to chat any time although I to have severe panic attacks Ihave found it comforting to come on hear and sometimes just write down what I’m feeling or even just reading others posts can be of great comfort to me as it lets me know I’m not alone. I do hope things get better for you. Iam just coming out of a bad panic attack and I really thought it was never going to go away but I can say I’m feeling ok at the moment . Hope the days ahead get better for you . Hugs .

[geoff]

Hello Amanda, if you are able to write down those difficult problems you may not be confident in raising to your doctor, then at least they will understand and will definitely approach this/these topics with great care.

I know this may not be easy and understand your predicament, but if I can say that they need to know what you are struggling with so that all the appropriate help can be suggested.

Please remember no question is certainly not silly, especially if the answer worries you.

My best.

Geoff.

[Forrest]

Thinking of you Amanda. How has your day been? How are you in general? Is there any difference between how you are feeling day to day? Much love.

[amanda68]

Hi thanks for checking in on me. I was getting so much better everyday. Then my husband came to go to the football with grandson and emotions got the better of me. I begged him to come back, but really I think it was so I wasn’t alone and I didn’t have to see my grandson struggling too. He back for now, I need to stop relying on him and now feel it was an awful mistake. Hope you are doing ok? Again thank you for helping me through this.

[amanda68]

Hi 

updating again, my husband has left again, it’s been a month now. And I’m feeling so bad, a complete failure. I’m so worried that I won’t be able to do daily activities without him being here. Even though when he was here, he wasn’t really here. No more! I can never have him back as it is so easy for him to just pack up and leave us, again my grandson is shattered. I can’t control my tears,  I saw something he used to buy at the shop and I burst into tears at a roll of chicken loaf!!!! Everything is overwhelming, I just don’t know if I can get through this, this time around. Thanks for hearing me.