Will this road end?

[Aimless]

I don't really like talking about my problems, but here goes anyway...

Im 18 and just finished school, the past like 3 years have been weird for me. I've woken up every morning with no real purpose, nothing to look forward to, the feeling of bing useless.

I havnt got a job, though I'm trying to work that out.

Got a bad ATAR score, should still get me into uni though.

Have never had a proper girlfriend, and this really bugs me for some reason. Not that I didn't have the chance, I either passed or stuffed up somehow.

Like just recently this girl that I've always liked and is a friend I completely
argued with her just so I wouldn't need to talk to her and be a 'friend'.

 I've really never understood, how the most  blokes get good looking girlfriends.

 i feel as though if I had a girlfriend everything would be so much better, which probably isn't the case. There's some underlying issue here that I just want to deal with.

 Will things change? it's not like I'm socially awkward or anything.

 I feel like dieing wouldn't be such a bad thing, but have never really considered
suicide, would effect far too many people around me. Like suicide or something wouldn't be so bad.

 Ive seriously considered joining the army, that way I won't feel so
useless and pathetic. But I'd rather things just change.

 this is so pathetic, any advice would be appreciated.


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[geoff]

dear Aimless, can I offer you a warm welcome to the BB forum and that's for being such a brave young man for doing so.

Your comments that you have made are really sad from someone who has no confidence let alone any self esteem, but it's important that you have contacted us, and you're no different as many people who suffer from depression don't feel comfortable in telling others of their illness, but as time progress's it slowly develops as they find out that some people do care.

You have mentioned many issues in your comment, all of which need to be addressed, which they may not in this reply, but certainly will over time, so can I urge you to stay with us, as it's only early and other people may still be asleep.

What you have said all show signs of depression, so a cure won't just happen overnight, because there will be many ups and downs, with the downs probably being more dominant, but what you have to remember is if you any ups then that's a positive sign.

You may not feel as though you do have any ups, but generally as the post continues those who are continually replying back to you will notice the difference in how you say things or what you do have to say, so in other words any of us who have experienced this awful illness can pick it up.

This is basically an introduction reply to you, to let you know that your comment has been picked up and will be addressed.

In between what you have said I'm sure there is a great deal more that you want to say, but before I send this off and then get back to you, what you have said in your last sentence, please I want to tell you that it's not pathetic to feel this way, you have an illness or we should call it a disease, and that's why this forum has been set up, because depression is a growing illness, and once it was referred to as being taboo, but times and progress change for the awareness of this illness.

Look forward to hearing back from you. Geoff.

[Aimless]

Thanks for the reply mate.

But is it mental illness? It just seems like mental weakness. Like my mind is just weaker than others. Almost like I do it to myself, I feel sorry for myself, but just keep going in the hope that it fixes itself up. Its gone on for like 3 years, and over that time it was only gone for 2 weeks. When I'm out with other people its fine, I don't care for it to much, but when I'm alone and just begin thinking it can really get to me sometimes.

You say a cure won't happen over night, it sure as did when I was seeing this girl a while back. But I feel as if having a proper girlfriend would just be a novelty and wear off. There's some underlying issue here, something that I can't see or pick up on.

Honestly, I need to just get my life on track, do something different , change it up. Its not like I don't have friends, have fun , socialize. Its just that when I'm alone I just think about stupid things, things I can't ever not think about.

 Like I'm in a bottomless pit of thought , mind you its not that bad compared to some of the stuff I've read on here. 

This is the first time I've really ever spoken about it.

I don't even know why I'm writing on here now, I was gonna reply earlier but talked myself out of it, not sure why.

Anyway thanks for the reply.

[geoff]

dear Aimless,, thanks for getting back to us.

From what I can see you're no different than how I felt, because I didn't have a girlfriend and when I did she was my first and we got married, but that was way down the track.

You just want a girlfriend, so that you can feel loved and have company, and that's when 'it will be fixed up', so my opinion has now changed from my previous comment, because of your reply.

Loneliness is a big problem, it can happen in depression, but I'm not too sure whether you are depressed, because you can go out with your friends and have a good time and perhaps jealous that they have partners.

This is how I felt as my wife (ex) was going out with someone else and all of us went out together, so our love for each other developed. Geoff.

[Aimless]

Hey Geoff,

Have had no internet till today so once again I apologise for the late response.

Nothing much has changed, much of the same really, although I've found that listening to certain kinds of music and gym make me feel better about the whole situation. That being said some of the lyrics can make me really angry inside, but its almost as if I like that feel. Not sure whats going on there aha. 

But still no girlfriend, still lots of late night thinking. 

Almost like I want to do something about it, but dont know where to start.

Anyways, thanks for reading.