Why me? When will it go away?

[gflower]

Hey,

I've had depression for the last year or maybe two which isn't long compared with some people...

When I'm at school all I can see is everyone happy and laughing, although I know what the stats are - the people I go see always tell me - but it never feels like anyone else has an issue. I have tried telling some friends at school but I feel like it's too hard for them to understand or maybe it's too awkward for them to ask me what's wrong...

Some days I feel like I can't move and others like I can't talk. I know it isn't fair for anyone to be depressed but most of all I don't understand how it has happened that I'm depressed when everyone I know is so happy. I just want it to go away forever.

My parents hug me and then say the best thing to do is distract yourself but that doesn't always work. Nor does 'tough love' and 'it will be alright'. What if it's not alright? And what if I'm not the perfect person they want me to be, that everyone expects?

Anyone else?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi gflower,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

Your post hit home immensely; I'm not in school now but when I was that was exactly how I felt and exactly the things my parents would say - 'you'll be alright', 'could be worse', 'chin up'. My friends were always happy and laughing and when I was upset they would ignore me and I think it was because it was too hard for them to accept I wasn't okay. While they may all try to help in their own little ways like sayings or distraction, it's not what we need. So I think in many ways I can relate to what you're feeling, and I think it's hard because even though you're not alone (you have family and friends) you probably feel alone.

I think it would really help to try and talk to someone who can really support you; like a therapist. They won't tell you what to feel and can instead listen and accept that you're not alright. I know that there are times when we put on a happy face, but with a therapist we don't have to do that.

It's also important to know that anyone who expects you (or anyone else for that matter) to be perfect is, well, dreaming. Nobody is perfect. We all screw up, we all make mistakes, we all have ups and downs and that's just part of life. Maybe to you it may seem like everyone has it all together (I know I felt like I was the only one falling apart), many don't. They're all struggling with their own issues too. You're already enough just the way you are.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi gflower

I just realised that I forgot to answer the question in your title - when will it go away -

This is what I know about depression. It doesn't have a cure, and that really sucks. But that doesn't mean that we'll always feel this way. Depression can be managed. I've had it since I can remember, but there are many days where I forget that I have it - there are times where it doesn't affect me and there are times when it does. As to the 'when', well that depends on how you're going and if you decide to see a therapist. When people can find and develop coping strategies like managing their inner self-talk it can make a huge difference to managing it and having less days where we feel this way.

[Zeal]

Hey gflower,

Welcome to the forum!

What you're going through is tough, and it can feel isolating. Knowing on an intellectual level that many people aren't as happy and 'together' as they seem doesn't change the way you feel. Sometimes we notice more positive things about others and more negative things about ourselves. I can relate to this.

It's good that you've been seeing professionals for your mental health challenges. Are you currently seeing someone? It's often best to talk to one or two close and trusted friends about your emotional situation. People who are closer to you are more likely to empathise and be supportive. That said, there is nothing wrong with mentioning to others that you've been feeling down, especially if they are wondering what's going on in your life. If you'd like some tips on talking about mental illness, this page may help: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it#findwords

Why some people get depression and not others is not straightforward. Genetics, life events and stressors, the person's personality and overall health can be contributing factors. There is more info on this under The facts on this site's blue menu bar.

You are right in thinking that tough love doesn't work. Your parents sound caring, which is great. If they would like to know more about how to support you, they can visit this Beyondblue page: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety Talking to your parents about this feeling of needing to be perfect is important. It's likely that they won't want or expect you to be perfect. Besides, no one is, and if someone appears "perfect", that's usually not the reality.

If you aren't currently seeing a counsellor or psychologist, it would be worth going to your doctor (GP) for a referral. You could also see your school counsellor when you're feeling overwhelmed at school. School counselling is usually free, and is confidential.

Do you play any school sports at the moment? As hard as it is to find the energy and motivation to do certain things when depression is involved, sport groups and other enjoyable activities can have a beneficial effect on your mental health. I found this to be the case for me anyway.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi gflower,

Welcome and thanks for reaching out. You're right about the stats - I believe it currently is that 40% of all people will experience depression in their lifetime so you are not alone. A lot of people do act like they have it all together but they're having a difficult time. I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling.

You've said you've spoken to a few friends about it, even if they don't entirely understand it are they supportive? It's really great to have one supportive friend during this time. It's also really great to have an objective person you can talk to as Zeal said. You could check out Headspace or your school counsellor for some more support, or give beyondblue or Lifeline a call. It's really important for you to realise that it's not your fault you have depression. There is nothing wrong with you compared to other people. I really can't stress that enough. Exercise, journalling, downloading the app "booster buddy" (my personal favourite), talking it out and doing nice things for yourself can all help.

Do not worry about living up to other's expectations of you. It's okay to not be okay. You never have to be "perfect" or be anything you can't be. And that is okay. You could talk to your parents about how you feel when they said "it'll be alright", because you are having a hard time and things don't feel alright. I'm not going to tell you that things will be alright, but I'm going to tell you that you will get through this. Because you will.

[gflower]

Hello everyone that replied!

Thanks so much for your replies I really appreciate it!

I am currently seeing a therapist at the moment which is helping but my parents always ask about what happens in the room and I don't like to share as I don't want to concern them... I'm an only child so sometimes I feel a bit of pressure and our family doesn't really like to show people when we have a problem.

I am in quite a few different sports teams and I am a runner, so I run on a very regular basis which seems to be the best thing for me! I always feel so amazing running... nothing seems complicated and exercise is the best cure for me!

I just don't know how to handle everything at school on top of dealing with my head. I participate in a lot of activities at school as my parents and teachers say it will look good in the future but I really just need to get through the now. Only I want to not disappoint everyone... maybe I should ignore my feeling and push though. As one of my teachers said I should 'fake it until I make it'...

Thanks again

Gflower

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi gflower,

Thanks for your post.

I'm really glad these replies were helpful to you - so glad that you're getting value from the forum!

I can completely relate to your post and struggled with exactly the same thing - the only thing that was different for me is that I'm not a runner!

I'm not sure how it feels for you but when I struggled with these things I felt really overwhelmed, and I understand the feeling of not wanting to disappoint people. I'm an only child too and my parents would always ask about therapy, and I was very much pressured by my teachers to get perfect grades and head to a Uni pathway.

I think that the most important thing is to try and remember that it is not your job to please people. You do not 'owe' anyone anything. The only exception to this is if you borrow money then you owe it back. Other than that, nope.

If your parents are anything like mine then mental health issues were never really talked about and all lurking in the shadows. That was kind of the culture that they were brought up in and probably why they don't like to show people. When I used to come home I would try and keep it brief - maybe something like "we're working on my self-esteem and it's helping"; then I'd head off and do something else. You could also say that you don't feel like talking about it and hopefully they would respect that too.

As for your teachers, I imagine they're kind of similar. They push you because of all the benefits of doing these activities that will help later - like teamwork or independence. But it's also okay to say no. If you don't do any of the activities you're still going to do just fine in the future.

The other thing that I really wanted to say is that I think it's important we never 'ignore' feelings. They exist for a reason. If you can try and 'sit with it' that would be best. They will always come and go.

Finally - (sorry, long post!) I'm so glad that you are enjoying running! It's so good to have an outlet where you can be you and it feels good as well! Plus super healthy! Yay!