Why did I force myself to go to uni?

[bril4]

I've been set on going to uni for as long as I can remember. I think it's because my mum never went and she'd always done so much for me, that I wanted to make her proud. From a young age, I always tried to get good marks so she'd be happy. Then high school came along, and that no longer became possible. Especially with COVID, my motivation began to decrease, and I slowly stopped trying. 

Fast forward to last year, I finished year 12. I ended up with better marks than expected and was able to get into a uni in my dream city. I thought that since I'd finally be doing something that interests me, I'd be able to work harder. I was wrong. 

I joined uni without really knowing what I wanted to be in the future. I've always been a procrastinator and being in uni would never change that. I started off well, passing all my classes and even getting HDs. Now I'm at the end of Trimester 1 and I feel like giving up. I find my courses dull and excessive, which I should've expected as no one said uni would be easy. For some reason, I didn't think this would apply to me. My depression and anxiety are worse than ever before. I hate myself for forcing all this pressure onto myself. It doesn't help that since I'm in a new city, I have no friends I can easily talk to. All I have is my mum who knows nothing of this. 

Right now I'm writing this with 3 overdue assignments due 4 days ago. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. I know I should just lock in and do it, but my brain is telling me "what's the point?" and so I just sit around and watch youtube instead and drown in self-pity. I hate that this is my reality. I hate that if I don't hand anything in in 3 days time, I'll get a 0. I should've never enrolled. I was never smart enough for it anyway. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi bril4

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time at university and that you’re feeling unwell with depression and anxiety. Hugs to you.

I’d like to gently push back on the idea that you’re not smart enough for university. The evidence shows that you are—you got the marks and were accepted.

Do you think it’s possible that the real issue here is your mental health and whatever drives you to procrastinate? In my view, if you can deal with those issues, you could very well have a much more positive educational experience at university down the track—if you want to. 

I’d like to encourage you to do three things, not necessarily in this order. 

The mental health challenges and procrastination issues that you’re dealing with won’t go away because you leave university. But you can start to feel better with the right treatment.
I really think it would be helpful for you to see a GP to discuss your mental health. This would enable you to obtain a mental health care plan and find professional help. The doctor can also provide you with a certificate to explain that you’re unwell and unable to complete the assignments on time. You will need to explain how you’ve been feeding “stuck” and unable to ask for help sooner. 

This brings me to my next suggestion, which is to proactively deal with the admin side of this situation. If you contact student services at your university and explain your situation they should be able to offer you some advice.
Instead of getting 0, with a medical certificate you may be able to defer.  I’m suggesting this because once you get on top of your mental health, you may feel differently about continuing your studies.

I also think it could really help to talk to your mum. You are a young person away from home with a lot on your plate and I’m sure some emotional support would go a long way right now. If it’s too hard to speak with mum, the university should have a counselling service which could be helpful. 

Of course, feel free to keep reaching out here. You are not alone. 
Kind thoughts to you

[bril4]

Hi thank you so much for your response. I did think about contacting a GP to at least get a medical certificate but I'm just worried they won't accept now that it's been 4 days. I can still give it a try though. Talking to my mum probably won't help but I guess I could see if my uni offers online counselling? I'm honestly just very worried of failing at this point but not just because of validation, but also money. I paid for this trimester out of my own money and it feels like such a waste for me to fail it after everything. That's also what's got me really upset. I will give some of your advice a try though. Thank you again for the support. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi again

With regard to the GP … Student services will advise you on exactly what you’ll need from the GP.  If you already have a diagnosed history of anxiety and depression that will help when talking to a new GP. You may have to dig up proof of a pre-existing condition.
With regard to the case you put to the university … you have your strong track record of performance up to this point on your side. It’s obvious that something has impacted your current ability to perform. People fall sick all the time and ask for help and there is a process in place to help you.
With regard to counselling… yes, ask the university for help. Beyond Blue also offers a 24/7 telephone counselling service and web chat. Depending on your age there is also Kids Helpline.

With regard to failing … There is another way to consider this situation. Have you looked at the weighting of the assignments that are overdue? If they’re not too significant, it’s possible you could fail the assignments and pass the courses, particularly given your strong results thus far. You don’t have to get HDs, you just need 51%.
Also, if you have any work done you could hand it in. Anything is better than zero and could push you into a pass.

The caveat to this is that you have to feel well enough to carry on. Your health really has to come first.
What do you think?

Kind thoughts to you