Why am I like this?

[Shannanabanana]

Like most people I've struggled with things through my life at different points. But I've finally reached the point where my lying, skin peeling and anxiety are enough (i'm 17). I've done some web counselling on a few different websites and all of them tell me to go to the gp like I should but I can't. I just can't.

It's too hard for me to use words in speaking. I can't explain what i'm feeling because I can't feel it. I know it would help but i'd need to talk and tell the truth and recognise stuff I don't want to see. I really do want help but why is it so hard for me? Why can't I just go there and spill my guts?

Thank you for reading I am hoping to gain some insight from people who are maybe similar.

Shannon,

[Narniakid]

Hey Shannanabanana, welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

First of all, those people advising you to go to the GP are on the right track - a GP will professionally diagnose you and give you a referral to a psychologist. The psychologist will give you some sort of questionnaire, very easy to fill out, and from there they will help you figure out what is making you feel this way and teach you the right tools you need to get on your recovery. 

It is not about rushing into the session and spilling your guts out - it is a delicate process that everyone handles differently. But the main thing you need to do is accept that this is the way you currently feel and that it can be changed with the help of someone who knows what they're doing. You CAN do this!

Crystal

[Starwolf]

Hey Shannon,

By sharing your concerns via these forums, you have taken the first courageous step. Well done !

Making that first appointment often feels intimidating but there is nothing to lose and much to be gained.  Mental turmoil is a distressing head space to be in. Naturally, we want out of there.

The mind is a bit of a maze to navigate. Sometimes we get lost and can't find the way out. This is why enrolling the help of a professional will help make sense of if all.

If you can't bring yourself to make that first appointment yet, why not continue to post here and open up in all safety ? No face to face discussions and all done in your own time, at your own pace. Here, judgment doesn't apply. There is only understanding... and support when you need it. You are in control of it all.

I feel this could be a good place to start and hope you will let us know what you think.

[Shannanabanana]

Thank you Narniakid.

I do know what I have to do. It is just such a dilemma inside my head some days I feel like i'm ready other days i'm upset I even thought I needed help. I will do it, I have to

[Shannanabanana]

Thanks Starwolf.

I agree even though you may judge I can't see that expression so I don't feel that stress. Is it ok if I talk a little about What I am right now?

Typing is easier for me because I can edit and change what I want to say as much as I like. It doesn't feel as real.

Thanks again

[Starwolf]

Hi Shannon,

Thank you for responding.

Of course we are looking forward to knowing you better, then we can also interact better if you choose to do so. This is what these forums are for.

As you said, distance and anonymity do create a safe space for those of us who have trouble coping with face to face conversations. And yes, right again...we can re-read what was written and re-write or re-think it if necessary.

Please remember there is no judging happening here. There may be the occasional misinterpretation but those can easily be clarified. All in all, many of us are experiencing or have experienced the same symptoms and the anguish that goes with them. Reading other posts on different threads can also give better insight re our own situation. It also reassures us that we're definitely not alone !

So I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from you. Meanwhile, take care of yourself...you deserve it.

[Shannanabanana]

What I worry most about is my lying. I lie and I lie and I lie it's one of the reasoni do struggle with face to face communications. It's not as bad when I type because I pick it up but if I spot a lie I will tell people.

Also if I don't get a job soon my mothers going to kick me out. Everytime I try and picture myself working somewhere I get panicy about all the mistakes getting to know a new set of people andnot knowing anything about the job. So I just don't move.

Thanks

[Starwolf]

Hi Shannon,

Good to read from you again.

Re the lying issue, well done for trying to catch yourself at it. Even if it is only when writing, it is a good start. I understand that it is a compulsive thing. Compulsive behaviour is hard to check. The fact that you're giving it a go shows courage. Any idea why this lying is happening ? Do you know  what is at the bottom of it ?

For example, when I was a lot younger, my parents didn't trust me when I was telling the truth. They would go out of their way to spy on me when there was no reason to do so. So I started telling fibs but I didn't like it so I made sure the lies where so outrageous and unlikely that they would know what was happening and why. If they  asked me where I was going out, I'd say something like "I'm having a date with Dustin Hoffman on top of Mount Everest" or anything as unlikely.

There are many different reasons why people do not tell the truth. The problem is it can become a habit, then an addiction. A therapist could help you find the causes of the problem. Knowing what exactly causes it is a necessary first step towards having more control over it.

Have you thought of looking for a part-time job to start with ? Perhaps a type of work that could be done on your own like babysitting, cleaning houses or offices why the owners are at work or when empty ? These may not sound glamorous but could be a good start towards more independence. Could be a stepping stone towards something more suitable while you build self-confidence. This is only a suggestion of course but anything is better than being kicked out of home ! You only can know what you would feel more comfortable with.

I hope you'll let us know what you think. You have already made a courageous decision by joining these forums and opening up about whatever bothers you. So give yourself a pat on the back. The way to victory is one step at a time...at your own pace. Be kind to yourself.

Have a terrific Sunday.

[Shannanabanana]

Thanks Starwolf.

No I have no idea why I do.

I have tried looking for part time work desperately but can not find any. Because of my age a lot of jobs aren't relevant and then there are qualifications and then my confidence. I actually have a qualifaction in childcare so I thought babysitting would be a good option but i'm so nervous about what the people would think of me and the way I take care of there children I can't do it. I find it near impossible to be in a long day care centre as it is Very bad for my health. As it is a female dominated field and mainly young women I can't handle all the gossip and b****y ness.

I'll keep looking thanks again.

Shannon

[Starwolf]

Hey Shannon,

Well done for persisting...

Since you are qualified in childcare, why the lack of confidence ? I think most parents would be impressed as many babysitters' only qualification is their love of interacting with kids. I guess you must have this also if you chose that particular area of learning...that's 2 precious assets in your favor.

I'm with you re the shenanigans happening in some work environments, that's why I asked if you had thought about part-time or casual or temp jobs. Knowing it's only temporary makes it easier to cope with. Of course, it all depends on job availability in your area. Sometimes there's just not much choice.

Have you discussed your concerns with your parents ? I am aware that communication with parents may be difficult. This is an area where a mediator could come in useful. It is often easier for all parties involved if close to the bone info is delivered by an outsider.

Should you be kicked out of home, is there somewhere safe you could go to and feel comfortable doing so ?  You are in a bit of a predicament at the moment but there is usually some small steps which can be taken, one at a time, towards some solution. Please remember you don't have to go it alone. There are people who are qualified and have the necessary influence to help in similar situations. There are times in life when lack of effective support stops us from moving forward. Stagnation in unstable head spaces only gets more uncomfortable as times goes by. I know asking for such help doesn't come easy but sometimes, the alternative may prove even more unappealing.

I don't know what your exact situation is. Only you can decide where you would like to go from here and gradually work your way towards this goal. It may be a long road, with ups and downs, tight curves and obstacles but keeping the goal in mind + accumulating one small victory after the other will help you along. It will all be worth the hard work in the end.

And when the going gets tough, please remember we cannot be there with you, but we'll be here for you.