I'm not even sure where to start, seeing as I've never spoken to anyone about this before but I think I need to try. I guess I just don't really care anymore. Nothing seems to matter to me or hold any sort of significance or purpose, its just nothingness.
Up until around 2013 (when I was in grade 10) I had been getting awards for academic achievement and stuff, but I guess I started questioning why I cared about any of it and couldn't find a good reason so I just stopped caring altogether. From then on It's just gotten worse, I now feel like I don't remember anything good or from my past anymore either. People always seem to talk about defining moments in their childhood and how that has shaped them, but I can't think of any. In fact I can only think of when my actions have hurt others or myself. I've pretty much shut my family out of my life, barely talking to them anymore.
I feel like no one really knows me properly they just know this kind of facade that I put on so that no one asks if anything is wrong. I don't know why but for some reason I hate the idea of talking to other people about my feelings, emotions and all that crap, I guess I just don't want anyone to view me differently. I had a school phycologist at my school that I seriously considered visiting but I could never bring myself to do it because I didn't want my family, friends or teachers to find out.
I remember about a year ago the school career councillor while trying to figure out a possible carrier path for me asked me what got me up in the morning. I honestly had no answer, nothing. Also it might sound stupid but I honestly feel like I'm not as smart as I used to be and my thoughts are increasingly foggy and incoherent. I also have qualms about my appearance and such which I doubt helps.
Every now and again (when no one is around) I just freak out and start screaming into my pillow, throwing things around slamming doors etc. I don't know why, I just have this sort of urge.
This whole kind of feeling comes in waves almost, sometimes I feel much better and sometimes I feel much worse. If I'm honest writing about this has already made me feel a little better but I still can't really escape this feeling.
To be honest I feel like an idiot posting all of this, like maybe it is just all in my head and I just need to stop being a prick and sort myself out. This is also probably hugely incoherent as i'm finding it really hard to put my thoughts into words.
